Post # 1
My pastor has given us how should I say it certain rules, requirements guide lines. The main ones are.
1.) Modest dress (mine and the bridesmaids)
Which is fine by me I got a strapless but I’m wearing a bolero and the bridesmaids will wear a dress with high neck line, but sleeveless.
2.) No booze
Which we don’t drink so that’s not a main issue. Plus some of my family member and friends get pretty rowdy when they get drunk.
3.) No bad musc
Rock n roll, hip hop, rap. County (no j/k!).
5.) I’m not sure about this one but I don’t think they like dancing too much. Which we are going to have anyways because I really want to dance the first dance, the father/daughter dance, and the money dance.
Anyways, how do I explain this to my bridal party, guests and friends that I’m having a very traditional Christian wedding based on bible principles. I mean what verses or quotes from the bible can I turn to.
Most of the reactions especially from my parents who are Catholic (I’m Christian), my family members, and even my bridesmaids say…
Why do you want to go to a church that makes so many rules? Why don’t you just get married some where else?
I think part of the reason is because I have told them… The pastor this the pastor that. How do I explain that is biblically correct and traditional to have things in the manner I’m having them…
How do I build a bridge between my wedding party, family members and friends AND my church??????????????
Post # 3
If dancing, drinking, wearing revealing clothing, and listening to rock and rap are inconsistent with your religious beliefs, I would imagine that that has become apparent to your friends and family already. You say that you’ve been explaining things by pinning it on the pastor, but it seems you’re ready to make the transition to owning up to the fact that these are your morals too. I would say that you are at an important point in your faith journey and your relationship with your loved ones. I’m guessing that the statement I made in my first sentence here probably isn’t correct, since you said your loved ones are expressing surprise that you’ve chosen to go this route – in other words, they haven’t already seen you living out these principles in your own life.
My advice is that you should take a long, hard, prayerful look at your own beliefs regarding drinking, dancing, clothing and what types of music are appropriate to listen to, and make decisions about what you feel is appropriate in your life. If you think these things are okay, then you’re probably getting married at the wrong church. If you find yourself agreeing, through prayer, reflection and reading the Bible, that drinking/dancing/listenting to rock and rap/wearing revealing clothing are morally and Biblically wrong, then explain that to your friends. Tell them why you believe that God wants something else from you in the way of your behavior, and explain the great benefits you feel from living in a way that is consistent with your conscience. If they see that you really believe in what you’re saying, and they don’t see you ever drinking, listening to rock or rap, or wearing revealing clothing, then they won’t be surprised at all when you choose a church that upholds your morals.
Post # 4
Your pastor should be able to give you Bible verses and reasons why your church has those rules.
It sounds like your family and friends are looking to understand why you joined this specific church and why you feel at home there. Some words from your heart would probably be better than Bible verses at explaining this.
Post # 5
To each his own. If this is how you want your wedding to be, then go for it and enjoy it. But, I don’t think its necessarily right of you to try to make your friends and family believe in the same values. Maybe that’s not your intent, I could be misinterpretting. But if you expect them to even understand, that may be difficult to do. I think the only thing you should require is that they respect your faith.
Regarding the specifics you outlined- I think a wedding without alcohol, while uncommon, nowadays, is fine. As long as your not making it so your guests feel condemned for enjoying to drink in moderation, outside of your wedding that is. I think if you’d like your BM’s to dress in a more conservative dress, that’s absolutely acceptable, most brides tend to want that.
Now, I don’t mean to come across as being rude, but how is rap or rock “bad music”? There are artists/songs that incorporate a positive message without vulgar content. I think its a bit harsh to exclude an entire genre.
Post # 6
Thank you for your quick response to my post. I appreciate that you gave such an eloquent answer. Your advice is so right on the money. I wasn’t raised Christian/Baptist. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into when I joined that particular church. I wanted to switch from Catholic to Christian because I felt that God was calling me to be a Christian. Now some may argue that it’s the same thing but in my heart it wasn’t. I told my friend about this and he suggested that particular church. I was looking for a Christian church to call home and get married in. I did pray a lot before joining my church. I have been reading the bible and praying. I also have been doing marriage counseling at my church for about 6 months. At first it was once a month but as my wedding gets closer we are doing twice a month. Since I was baptized and became a born again child of God I moved out of my FIs apartment and moved back home. I have been working on my morals. I stopped drinking (I was only a social drinker) and I’ve been dressing more modestly. I do hope that my friends and family would see how much I changed for the better. You’re absolutely right we have been pinning everything on the pastor and I realized that. Thats why I asked if there were any other ways to explain things to my friends and family with out pinning it on the pastor because I really want to build a bridge and not destroy it. I will be in prayer and I will have a long conversation with my Fiance.
Post # 7
Thanks I will definitely ask my pastor for bible scriptures that pertain to his guide lines so it will be easier to explain to all of my bridesmaids, friends, and fam. I will definitely try my best to speak from my heart. Thanks.
The reason why I believe that Rap and rock are “bad music” is because it promotes/glamorizes sex, drug use, suicide, gangs etc. Plus personally I think it’s loud and it has too many bad words. I mean If it were played to glorify God like some of the more contemporary Christian music then I suppose it would be okay.
Post # 8
One thought, from someone who married into a Catholic family: all of the Catholics I know consider themselves “Christian.” I can’t speak for your friends and family, but my in-laws would be much more open to hearing about your beliefs if you use language that does not imply that Catholics are not Christians. Obviously, as Catholics they will have beliefs that differ in certain ways from those of your new denomination, but this would be equally true if you had joined a Baptist church after being raised Anglican, Methodist, Presbyterian, etc.
On the specifics of your beliefs, you really just need to let them know that you feel called to follow these rules, that they are not impositions on you from your pastor. I would be wary of getting into theological debates over these issues–you don’t need to convert your family to your new denomination in order for them to respect your beliefs. Pointing out specific Bible verses is unlikely to make the suddenly revise their own interpretations. Rather, just let them know respectfully that this is what you now believe, that your prayer and reflection has led you to these conclusions, and that you hope they can be happy for you.
Post # 9
Well, I respect your opinion and I understand your point. There are a lot of artists that promote negative things. But an entire genre shouldn’t be deemed negative. For people who aren’t fans of the music, its harder to find the postive. But its out there. And for rap specifically, there’s a history behind it, and a powerful one at that. Unfortunately the music on the radio is the stuff that does create a negative imagery. But the sad thing is that is the kids that are idolize that lifestyle.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to offend you. Music is important to my Fiance and I so I just wanted to understand a bit more 🙂
Post # 10
“How do I explain that is biblically correct and traditional to have things in the manner I’m having them…”
I would be very careful how you phrase this to your friends and family. Telling them YOUR wedding is biblically correct implies that theirs won’t/isn’t. And if they are christians, too, they will take great offense to this. So tread carefully
I don’t see why you have to back up your reasoning at all. just tell them you’re having a traditional christian wedding and it’ll be a good time! There is PLENTY of contemporary christian music out there for people to dance to.
They know you go to this very conservative church so I doubt they’ll be surprised, particularly in addition to the changes in your behavior and lifestyle. I think if you try too hard to justify your own wedding, you could end up being too self righteous in the long run and upsetting all your friends and family. A simple explanation of “i believe this, this feels true to me” should be enough. Dont’ go overboard.
I have a very devout christian friend and she always manages to put everyone else down around her because they’re not Christian JUST like her, the same exact way. She is not tactful about handling the situation, versus my very devout catholic friend who is always very gracious and speaks from the heart about what is right for her.
Post # 11
@ Jennifer espos
Honestly (I hope I don’t sound like a complete hypocrite), but my Fiance considers himself a “Rapper”. I used to listen to rap. He still listens to rap. He recently asked me if he could perform in a rap show. After some convincing I said yes. He promised me that he just wanted to get it out of his system and it would be his last show ever before we get married. Me and him have a lot of differences but we have a great amount of respect for each other. So I’m not really even trying to knock down rap or rock. It’s a personal choice what one chooses to listen to. I mean r.a.p. stands for rhythm and poetry and I like poetry. Nothing wrong with it as long as it doesn’t promote/glamorize sex, drugs, suicide etc. and has bad words. My point is simply that I don’t want to play it at my wedding, but if someone else wants to play it at their wedding go for it.
Post # 12
You’re absolutely right I should speak from my heart and keep it simple. I wouldn’t want to make anybody feel bad and make them feel like I’m putting them down. And I especially don’t want to impose my beliefs on any one. I should tread carefully I will try my best to remember that.
Post # 13
I know it’s tough. My friend’s self righteousness has really aliented us. She can’t be a good friend anymore because she’s too busy being holier than thou (and she doesn’t have that many friends any more b/c of it). I know not everyone is like that, but from someone who’s experienced the extremes of two VERY devout friends, there’s always the “good” way of handling it while still sticking to your guns =]
She uses the “it’s right for me” line a lot and acknowledges that her way isn’t for everyone but it gives her peace and makes her feel like she’s doing the right thing. Actually she almost became a nun. So yeah, very devout
Hopefully your pastor can give you some insight.
Post # 14
I am confused when you say that you are having a biblical wedding and there is no dancing or drinking….. It doesn’t say those things are bad in the bible. Wedding banquets were mentioned with Wine – used in parables and Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. It does say that getting drunk is bad. But not the drinking itself. Jesus drank wine. I do know that this is a common belief and it is how you read into the scriptures. My grandparents are Baptist and do not believe in drinking. But I think that it should be out of your own calling whether to drink or not.
I don’t understand the no dancing though- did he provide you with scriptures for this?
I am not shutting you down or anything.. I am honestly wondering where it comes from 🙂
Post # 15
I’m interested to hear why you don’t feel that Catholic is Christian. If you’re willing to share, I’m all ears.
Post # 16
I am so encouraged that you are looking to stay strong in your beliefs. Do you mind if I ask what denomination your church is?
I am a believer in Christ also, and so I understand some of your points and the points the pastor is setting out. I do think it is important to not turn legalistic, but make sure the Bible backs up these ideas, like a few of the girls earlier said. Because if we are making up rules to follow outside of the Bible, but don’t have a basis for them…we tend to put conditions on the gospel. 🙂 Just make sure there’s back up. 🙂
Modest dress is good! We are supposed to help others not stumble..and that def. helps! Yay you! There’s a lot of super cute choices out there! The Bible never says drinking is wrong, but getting DRUNK is…which is probably where the pastor is coming from. You can’t allocate how much your guests drink, so he’s probably avoiding an awkward situation. 🙂 Music, is another gray area…a wisdom choice. Obviously swearing and sexual talk and not uplifting speech won’t be encouraging anyone…but yea, picking uplifting music. That’s good. We have Christian and mainstream country/pop for our reception/ceremony. And dancing isn’t wrong either…as long as its not dirty! Have FUN with your dances!!! It’s a great time!
For your Catholic family/friends and anyone else, I’d look up in your bible and see what backs up those decisions. If you disagree with something but are going to follow it for the wedding anyway, let them know that too. A big difference between Catholicism and Christianity is that we know we are saved and only by asking Christ into our life for us to live for. They DO things, works, to be saved, and we know regardless of if we do or don’t, we are saved. 🙂 So just make sure they know you aren’t doing it becauase you HAVE to, but because it is a “thank you” :).