- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2016
So, almost 4 years after we began dating and 3 months into being engaged and we’ve been ostracized by my future husband’s family. What now? What a terrible feeling-not to be accepted by the man you love’s family. It leaves a gaping hole in your heart-filled with guilt, diappointment, and sadness. So how did it all begin you might wonder. Well, that’s something I’m not even quite sure of…but I have my theories…
When I began my journey with my now fiance, I discovered right off the bat that his parents were rather cold, and definitly on the strict side when it came to raising their kids. I was warned by him that his parents would be judging my every move, especially in the beginning, and that it was crucial that I ooze politeness from every pore in my body at all times. I tried my very best-I clearned my plate after dinner, cleared the family’s plates, made beds, brought desserts, cooked and brought food to the house, always said hello, goodbye, and thank you at appropriate times. etc. I made it a point to talk to his parents, get to know his siblings, and do all that I could to ensure that I was accepted and deemed “good enough” for their son. All was going well until about a year or so ago. I began sensing that his oldest brother (he is 1 of 5 kids) and his brother’s girlfriend were treating me differently, not in a positive way. I felt as though they did not like me for some reason. I noticed that they did not include me in gift exchanges during the holidays, they did not acknowledge my birthday, and did not seem to make an effort to talk to me much anymore, but they were as friendly as always to my now fiance. In the meantime, my fiance and I started having problems and I focused all my energy on fixing those issues instead of concerning myself with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. The problems my fiance and I started having back then revolved around a house his real estate broker father pressured him into buying without my knowing. My fiance was specifically told by his father that I was not allowed to be included-not sure why. I suppose he did not want me to be involved financially and felt it was best I did not know at all. Afterall, his father kept bank accounts and properties hidden from his wife, so lying was something that was all too familiar to him. Well it didn’t take more than a few weeks for me to figure out that something was going on and when I confronted my fiance about it, he revealed what was going on but still refused to include me in on the whole thing as per his father. Well to add insult to injuy, I found out through no fault of my own that my fiance had also recently bought a ring for me and that he had planned to propose to me on our most recent vacation to Disney, but ultimately decided not to because both his parents, and his oldest brother and his girlfriend told him not to, because they had just gotten engaged a month or so earlier and it would be stealing their limelight (really?). It started to seem to me that my fiance’s family was going to be calling all the shots in our relationshio-where we lived, how and when we got engaged, and who knows what else. So as one might assume, this caused quite a bit of stress between me and my fiance. Well, this did not go unnoticed by some of his family members. His brother and his fiance saw that we were having issues even though they had no idea regarding what, and of course blamed me for our turmoil. This in turn caused his parents to dislike me. Did I not have a right to be hurt that my fiance was making major life choices without considering my feelings or even his own? Who is anybody to tell someone how and when they are to get engaged to the person they love. Now I must tell you that his parents were never very kind to me, which makes this whole situation that much more disturbing. His mother was the kind of mother who felt threatened by the significant others of her children, especially those of her sons. She was not above name calling behind my back, excluding me from family events, never allowing me to be in a single family photo even after years of being with my fiance, refusing to meet my parents even though they asked multiple times, raising her voice to me, etc. She once called me a “house whore,” which to this day I do not understand the meaning of or the cause for such vulgarity. Well needless to say, once I got blamed for the problems that my fiance and I were having regarding the house I could not be a part of in any way, shape, or form (not even knowing the address) and the engagement that we were denied, things really went sour. My fiance and I approached his brother and his fiance regarding their blantly rude behavior toward me and the things they had said about me behind me back to other family members. They denied having any problem with me and thus refused to have a conversation about it. We pressed the issue because it was something that really bothered us both and they decided to tell me that I had no business bringing this up and that I was a trouble-maker. Again I was blamed. Yet, all I wanted was to repair our relationship with them. My fiance’s parents also felt a need to blame me for the problems me and my fiance were having and the problems that we now had with his brother. I was told by them that I was selfish, insecure, and immature and “not someone we want our son to date or marry.” They told me that I was disrespectful and that it must be how my mother raised me. When I burst into tears during this confrontation, they reacted callously and indifferent. My fiance and I broke up on the spot because I was horrified at how his parents spoke to me and that he did nothing to protect me from them even though he was present for all of it. Several weeks later, we decided to get back together and he apologized for everything-lying to me about the house, not proposing when he wanted to, letting his parents rip me apart. We decided that we wanted to repair our relationship despite everything that happened. His family, however, decided they would NEVER allow that happen. So, now almost a year later, we have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and feelings with regards to his family. They have basically disowned us because of our decision to be together and bad-mouthed us to friends and other family members. For months, my fiance was receiving phone calls and text messages detailing the the huge “mistake” he wa making by chooisng to stay with me and about how my family was horrible and would make his life hell (mind you, they met my parents one time and it was a positive experience or so I thought). They blamed me, yet again, for destroying their family and begged him to break up with me, even offering him monetary bribes amongst other things to break it off with me. He has stayed true to me throughout everything and even swore off his family for treating both of us so terribly, which made me love him even more and able to forgive him for hurting me and allowing them to hurt me.
So now what? As much as I dislike them and know it is best to have them out of our lives, I can’t help but feel this overwhelming guilt for what has happened. Questions run through me head…”Was I not good enough?” “Should I have kept my mouth shut about everything-the house, his brother and his fiance, our postponed engagement?” “Am I selfish for staying with him knowing that he will never have a relationship with his family if I do?”…it kills me to know how people who have heard only half of the story judge us, more so me. It makes me want to tell everyone what really happened and how his family mistreated me over the years, but at the same time I want to just forget about everything that has happened and continue on with my life and my relationship with my future husband. It makes me feel diappointed that I will never have in-laws and that my children will never know their paternal grandparents. Is this a tragedy or a blessing in disguise? I toil with this question day in and day out.