(Closed) HELP: Need Advice, Bullied by SIL

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@shinebrightlikeadiamond:  Dont you just want to kick the crap out of her? LOL I know I would but all kidding aside. Familial relationships are important but I will say what many bees would say. If a familial relationship causes you pain and frustration and hurts the core relationship you have with your SO then its time to cut the strings.

That being said, if you feel like that not maintaining a relationship with them would be detrimental to your relationship with your SO and you absolutely find it necessary to continue a relationship with them, you should be polite and extend them courtesy but I wouldnt stretch my neck to do it.

They have proven time and time again that they dont care about your feelings. I would be polite, speak when spoken to but I wouldnt go out of my way to make them feel better especially after you have been the one who was bullied.

Post # 4
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

OH lordy i have similar problems but with my Mother-In-Law. People can be so petty immature sometimes. While I do think its important to try your best to work on a relationship, if she is toxic in your life then there is no room for that. I would politely remain civil but you should not have to bend over backwwards trying to befriend her…Good luck 🙂

Post # 5
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would have to say let it go… or rather, let THEM go.  It’s ideal when you can get along with your partner’s family and you should make every effort to do so, but it sounds like you’ve already done that to no avail.  Relationships are two-way streets–give and take from both sides–but it sounds like you and your fiance are the only ones working at the relationship while your brother and sister-in-law aren’t even trying.  If you’ve honestly done your best, that’s all that anyone can ask of you.  If after all your efforts to extend an olive branch you still can’t get along with them (or rather, if they can’t get along with you), then that’s just how it’s going to be and there’s not a thing you can do about it other than them ignore them and refuse to let them upset you anymore.  Unfortunately, that’s just how it is sometimes in families.  It’s sad but there’s nothing we can do about it if the other person/people are not willing to change or put in any effort.  Remember, we can’t change other people, we can only change the way that we react to them!  I wouldn’t be tolerating any further abuse from your nasty sister-in-law, though.  You do NOT have to take this crap from her just because she’s family!  If she mistreats you again, I would have no qualms about cutting her out my life entirely–enough is enough!

Post # 6
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I was engaged before and had a hell of a time with my ex’s family so I absolutely feel your pain.  Eventually they caused my wedding to be called off 2 hours before the ceremony because they held an emotional gun to my ex-fiance’s head.  Happily I have now moved on and met a wonderful man. 

 

I think you have two options.  You can limit contact as much as you can and be civil when you have to, wait until your wedding celebrations and return the favour (petty I know but I soooo would, I know you’re legally married, I’m guessing you’re planning a celebration of your love).  Or you can call her out either in writing or with a witness and try to thrash it out.  Personally I wouldn’t give the witch the time of day, it sounds like she is jealous of you.  Some folk are just born nasty.  It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong or you deserve her ill will.  It just means she is a bitch.

 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this though.

Post # 7
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@shinebrightlikeadiamond:  I don’t think it’s important to have anything more then a polite and cordial relationship when you are going to be around eachother, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to try spending time with her otherwise.

Post # 8
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

*HUGS*  I know how much it sucks having ILs that you just don’t get along with.

I have stopped trying to build a relationship with my SIL.  Every time I thought that we were making process and we would actually start getting along she would all of a sudden get in one of her moods and not want anything to do with me and would be a complete bitch to me and Darling Husband (her brother).  Then all of a sudden she would want to be my friend again.  Then she hates me. 

I don’t believe that you have to make nice with your SIL.  She has made it clear that she wants to make your life hell.  And she has made it clear that she does not want you to have anything to do with the family.  And she is clearly never going to stop.

The thing that is important is how your SO stands in this situation.  If he is on your side and he is defending you then you have nothing to worry about.  But I would definitely say cut out the CRAZY SIL

Post # 10
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

IMO, the only need is to be polite to “family” members; not everybody is going to like everybody else just because they are “related”. My future SILs apparently do not like me (I think it is because I have a successful career). I totally refuse to let their little “head games” trip me out. I pointedly ignore when they whisper back and forth and I am downright obnoxiously polite whenever I am around them. I smile and say all the right things but any village idiot can tell that I don’t give a rat’s ass what they think. I do believe they can sense my F*ck you attitude, but I do it without saying a word and with a smile on my face.

Now Future Mother-In-Law is on THEIR backs because of THEIR “childish behavior” and I am now officially the “good one” – all without any effort on my part. Maybe it’s because I am older, maybe it’s because I have been through hell and back but for the most part, I have given up trying to make people “like” me – either they do or don’t. If they don’t, it’s THEIR loss!

Your SIL has NO power over you unless YOU give it to her.

Post # 12
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ugh, what a tough situation! Here’s my take:

 

First of all, your SO is your first line of defense. He needs to be the one who speaks to her when she is out of line. He needs to do it in a calm way and make it clear to her that the behavior is not acceptable anymore. That may mean leaving parties earlier if she doesn’t behave, but it’s better than being bullied.

Second, no one– family or not– is allowed to bully you. Your mental health is not worth a relationship with anyone. You need to understand that you may not be able to have a relationship with her.

On a more positive note, I think you can build a relationship with her sloooowly. I would always have your SO there so you have back-up. Stick to short visits, family events, and lighthearted activities. Again, your SO needs to take the lead and if he wants everyone to get along, he needs to help you figure out how to do that.

Post # 13
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Think of dealing with your sister-in-law as a game of chess–it is you who control the pawns, how they move and what happens to them. . . . Play the game by your own rules. It really is that simple. Nothing your sister-in-law says or does should be able to upset you, but only you can make the change.

You don’t have to be buddy buddy with them, but when you see or talk to them (which, thankfully, sounds rare) you do need to be polite and respectful (even when they don’t deserve it). I struggle being polite to my SO’s brother’s girlfriend a lot. She’s pulled a lot of shit over the years and has been a huge b**** to the people his brother cares about, including me… however, I do my best to suck it up and deal with it because its in my boyfriend’s (and his family’s) best interest. I don’t get to chose who he dates or marries or associates with, but I can chose how I react to a given situation. It definitely hasn’t been easy, but I try.

That doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be bullied or abused. Ignore her bad behavior, but if she resorts to abuse (physical, mental, emotional) then you have MY permission to rip her to pieces.

The most important thing to remember is that your SO is on your side in all this. He knows whats going on and he does his best to support you. That says a lot about the quality of his character and about the kind of relationship you guys have.

 

Post # 16
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

What a bitch. Maybe she feels threatened by you, like you are her competition? Either way she seems very sad and pathetic. Don’t let het get to you. As you said you never see her anyway. Screw her. If she gets off by being rude and mean to you then that is pretty sad that she feels like she has to do that to make herself feel better.

How you have not put her in her place is beyond me. Don’t even let anyone insult your intelligence or bully you/push you around. Who is she to make you feel this way? To make you go out of your way to post about how she makes you feel? You shouldn’t give her the time of day.

Personally I wouldn’t want to establish any type of relationship with this childish woman. Don’t lose any sleep over it either. She is just your SIL. If it was your SO’s sister that is one thing, but its your SO’s brothers wife. Again- Screw her.

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