Post # 1
Hi bees, i’m posting this in wellness, because to me it is an issue of psychological wellbeing and wellness.
So much of whats been a the front of my mind in the past week or so has made me think about bullying. FIrst of all, i work in an upscale girls private high school – so bullying kind of always has to be at the front of my mind. But then – in attempting to organise a friends 30th birthday party, I was accidentally copied in on an email trail where there was bashing and slandering of 3 people involved in the party planning, including myself. And, now, this crazy insane drama going on about the “circle of snark” message board created, ostensibly, to talk about people and things on weddingbee (please don’t worry about judging my interpretation of whats really going on – i don’t get it at all and haven’t really bothered to waste any time trying to understand it – i’m just commenting on the overall idea of it, not accusing anyone of anything).
Basically – i’m becoming despondant at the amount of hate and judgement inflicted on women by other women. Where does the need come from to talk behind people’s backs? Why do so many women buy into the pack mentality of bullying? Why do 10 year old girls feel its appropriate to judge other 10 year od girls on their weight, hairstyles, and family’s financial standing? WHere are they learning this behaviour? I’m completely guilty of it myself – i’ve been there and done that, but i don’t know what my motivation has been or why its okay. And the internet has just lent a dangerous degree of anonymity to it all…
Its all enough to make me want to cry…..
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
Women are our own worst enemy, it’s really sad. You think guys like size 2 waif girls? Nope, that is something women strive to be and end up with eating disorders over. Women overlook each other for promotions or helping each other professionally because “women aren’t as smart as men” or “like to gossip” or *insert whatever you want here*. It’s really unfortunate the the boys all have boys clubs, and the women tear each other down. Maybe it’s just human nature.
Post # 4
“You think guys like size 2 waif girls? Nope … It’s really unfortunate the the boys all have boys clubs, and the women tear each other down.”
And yet you just tore down other women by that comment. I’m a size 2/4, that doesn’t mean guys like or don’t like me. People have different tastes; some guys do like a size 2, some would rather have a size 18, that doesn’t make either right or wrong.
Post # 5
@ScarletBegonia: I dont know-I have no idea where it comes from or why it happens. I have guesses- maybe we really are competing because the society we are raised in gives us a gender role that dictates that the only means of gaining power and status are by tearing down others-maybe at a young age we are conditioned into believing we have to be the best at the gender norm given to us.
As far as WB goes, my SO tells me all the time that the boards dominated by men are often far worse-is that because they have to be (gender norms again?) and does that mean WB has to be snarky at times because we are conditioned into believing we must compete in order to be noticed, normal or the best? I have no idea.
Even the nature of weddings is often posed as a competition- stealing thunder, the spotlight, etc- all these words have to do with being the best and vis a vis status. Perhaps the conditioning of our gender is simply that in order to gain something over another woman, or to gain over some insecurity in ourselves we must orchestrate and outline the shortcomings of others.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
@abbyful: That’s not what I meant and I’m sorry I didn’t phrase it better. I actually had an eating disorder, so maybe you can understand where I’m coming from? I meant the beauty myth that women who are not naturally thin or don’t look a certain way have to starve themselves or do something that is painful to be a certain way. Women reinforce that idea for each other.
Post # 7
@ScarletBegonia: It boils down people’s own insecurities.
Post # 8
@berkie: yeah, i think you’re right…i know that times when i’ve participated in backstabbing its usually because i didn’t want to be on the outs so it was a damn them before they damn you type of thing.
It still makes me sad though…i’m just so over girls getting hurt. I wish there was a reset button i could hit for my students so they wouldn’t feel the need to participate in these types of behaviours.
Post # 9
I guess I have a very different view of bullying because I grew up with a significant stutter other kids loved to pick on. I have it mostly under control, but I’m never going to be a perfect speaker.
Ocasionally I’ll have a block while talking to a CS rep, client, anyone ..and they laugh or say something rude. Most people would be bothered. Me? Not so much. When people attempt to make me feel bad about myself I know they have their own set of insecurities or maybe they’re just intolerant/don’t like me. Whatever the reason is, I’m happy with myself.
People can only make you feel how you allow them to. When someone is able to make me feel bad I take a hard look in the mirror and ask myself why I feel the way I do. The other day a classmate who I considered a friend stopped talking to me and asking questions. It sort of hurt my feelings- I went home and thought about it and realized I haven’t been putting in the effort to the class. Of course she’s not going to ask me about things. What I’m getting at is after you read what your friends are saying.. are those things true? If they are, are you okay with your actions? If you’re not totally proud of those actions you should think about changing them. If your cool with your choices, it sounds like you hang out with some insecure women.