Post # 1
I hate having to write even this post, but I am seeking advise.
Last night, I was laying next to my boyfriend (3 years also living together). As I was starting to close my eyes, he picked up his phone and made an effort to turn the screen away from my eye sight. Well about two seconds later an app came up and he began swiping left. yes I could see there was images of people that he was swiping. With my eyes open, I asked “What is that?”. He responded by hitting the main button and saying “I am just on my Phone”.
In response to that – I flew out of bed with a giant loud “What the fuck are you doing?” “Is that a fucking dating site?!?!” “What the fuck are you doing?!?”
He immediatly rose as fast as I did, very nervously and almost choking on his words trying to tell me its bumble bizz where you can network with people. I felt I lost my fucking mind last night listening him trying to explain to me what it was and reliving those moments of realizing what he was doing with his phone.
I already have major trust issues thanks to my last relationship where I was cheated on in a 4 year relationship. For the past 3 years I have tried really hard to swallow that pill and trust my new boyfriend. It hasn’t been easy but I knew he was a different person and he was commited. Now I am just as lost as I was in a store when I was 3 from my mom. I ugly cried. I was in shock, and I am still in shock.
I want to trust him that it was just bumble bizz… but his reaction to me was he didn’t want to tell me because he thought I would blow up and he wanted to keep it from me in that regard. Which only makes this worse. Last night was the first time we fought.. in three years… and it wasn’t fun.
I kept telling him if it was “no big deal” and just the bizz side of bumble – why didn’t you just tell me square away and not have to go through this terrible mess… He told me he didn’t want to feel like a child and ask for permission to do something. First of all, respecting your partner and telling them something like this before things get messy would be greatly appreciated. Second, I don’t think its like a child asking for permission – its just showing respect for your partner.
He told me last night that he is very comitted and hasn’t cheated on me – and doesn’t plan on it. He said he was sorry for the way it played out and didn’t know it would affect me the way it did. I don’t know where my head is on this.. I really dont. My heart broke a little last night and its one of the worst feelings to feel. I hate it.
Does anyone have any advice?
Post # 2
I can understand how you felt triggered but if he indeed was using Bumble for networking rather than dating then I don’t see why he should need to disclose this to you prior to the fact.
He shouldn’t suffer consequences due to another man from a former relationship causing distrust. I am not saying to ignore your own instincts but I think it important to differentiate between legitimate concerns and perhaps anxiety driven trust issues.
It seems you reacted quickly and in an attacking manner which could possibly discourage your boyfriend from being open with you in the future.
Advice? Consider individual therapy to discuss anxiety and trust issues. Communicate calmly and clearly with your boyfriend and perhaps establish boundaries that are fair to him but also respectful of your own feelings.
Post # 3
I’m sorry, Bee. It sounds like your intuition is right. Does he have a legitimate reason to use Bumble bizz? My coop tried using it to advertise for part-time drivers and we found it was just okay… I could see it working better for a freelancer in need of an assistant or someone in a creative industry, and maybe that’s what your SO does. And if it was a career thing, why hide that from you?
Post # 4
What’s he do for a living?
If it was bumble biz then there was no reason for him to hit the home screen and stop scrolling when he realized you saw what he was doing. If he was doing something on the up and up he would have said he was on is phone and kept scrolling.
Post # 5
He’s backpedaling and just saying it’s “for business.” If he was truthful he wouldn’t be trying to hide his screen or use the app only when you’re asleep. Your intuition is telling you all you need to know. I’d dump him ASAP. You’ve lived through the trauma of being cheated on once, don’t stick around long enough for it to happen again.
Post # 6
I’d be concerned if he was trying to hide it from you. If it’s really just business related, he shouldn’t be sneaking around with it. Doesn’t mean he’s doing anything wrong, but it seems concerning.
also, the fact you haven’t fought in 3 years together? EVERY couple should face argument/conflict at some point, over something. Ideally in a healthy way.
and then he says he doesn’t “plan” to cheat?! No, it should be “I’ll never cheat.” Not that we can predict the future, but there are some things that should be against personal values and morals, and for him to word it that way gives me side eye.
Post # 7
Bumble Biz? Yeah right. I find that very hard to believe. Especially late at night in bed and he hides the phone and stammers when you catch him… I don’t know about you but I hide my LinkedIn from Fiance, nor do I use the app on my phone in bed.
Post # 8
I’m sorry, bee. I know you are hurting. As my mom usually says, where there is smoke, there is fire. Plus, there are better ways to network that aren’t offshoots of a dating app.
Post # 9
jujubean0911 : uh yeah…I mean, I think you definitely let your anger get the best of you but I’m not saying it may have not been merited. I think it’s sketchy he hid the phone from you and wasn’t being open with you from the get go. Like, if my honey was doing that, I’d be like ‘whatcha doin?” and he wouldnt hide it and tell me and we’d be cool. But the fact that he hid it is mad mad sketchy to me.
Post # 10
Trust your inctincts bee.
As other PP’s have said, I find it hard to believe he was using the app for business contacts if he felt the need to hide it from you.
what kind of business is he in that he needs to use bumble biz anyway? i’ve heard it’s super terrible to make business contacts with. Shouldn’t he like, be using LinkedIn or something professional?
Dating site apps don’t necessarily translate to business even if they have a ‘business mode’.
Post # 11
Why didn’t he show you the screen as he was talking about it and ease your conscience by showing you what the app was all about?
If I were you I’d go up to him and say “So that Bumble Bizz sounds cool can you show me how it works?”
See where that leads.
Post # 12
“I’m trying to make some new contacts for my job/business. Here, what do you think of my profile?”
That would have been the response of a man with nothing to hide.
Post # 13
Nope nope nope. If he was legitimately using it for business he wouldn’t be sneaky about it. And given your history with trust, that’s even more of a reason that he should have been open and honest from the start if it was legit.
Post # 14
This may be my own bias talking, but saying he was using Bumble in Biz mode only but also hiding the screen from you sounds a lot like “I’ve just been talking to her behind your back as a friend.” The actual act may be innocent, but there could be suspicious intent or feelings behind the act that are leading him to hide it just in case.
Granted, you did react aggressively, and he may have had a knee-jerk defensive reaction in return. It is worth having a calm discussion again about expectations in regards to social media.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
The rule I live by, and the one I expect any parter I have to live by, is don’t do anything you wouldn’t do with your partner watching/looking over your shoulder. If I have to hide it from someone I’m in a relationship with, I’m probably doing something I shouldn’t be doing.
I am also a firm believer that initial impulse reactions tell the real, true story. His initial impulse reaction was to hit that home button fast so you wouldn’t see what he was doing. That tells you everything you need to know. He didn’t want you to see what he was doing, because he knew what he was doing would upset you. And I can’t think of any scenario where anyone would be upset by innocent networking on a phone app.
I don’t buy his explanation at all. He’s trying to save himself with flimsy excuses because he was caught. If it were me, I would ask to look through his phone and watch his reaction. My guess is it wouldn’t be a good one.
Sorry, Bee. This stinks.