(Closed) Bummed Bridesmaid.. am I being unreasonable?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
46374 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you needed to avoid talking in code and come right out and say that you would like to be more involved in the decision making and planning re these events.

That’s not the message that they likely perceived when they read your email.

“I basically said that I would love to be more involved, that it would mean a lot to me to contribute more and to please let me know if there is anything I could do to help.

Post # 4
Member
4653 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would be bummed too… But I would also be bummed as a bride if one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man were being left out of all the planning…

I say you just need to Make sure you say it straight up that you want to help… Or flat out ask them what still needs done and what you can do…

Post # 5
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

your feelings are justified. I would do exactly as you did and direct your concern towards the Maid/Matron of Honor. If you tell the bride she may get anxious or offended…..or if she’s chill then maybe not. I guess it just depends.

Post # 6
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

She also may be thinking that she’s being easy on you and trying not to be a pain. A lot of brides out there expect a lot out of their BMs, and a lot of Bridesmaid or Best Man don’t want to burden their friends with all of the wedding stuff. I’m with everyone else, you need to say “Hey x, I’m so excited about your wedding and I’d like to be more involved. What can I do?”

Post # 7
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i was in this EXACT situation the first time i was a Bridesmaid or Best Man. i didnt even know i was being excluded until the events started getting planned without me. and i kept asking the bride if i can do anything and she said she was fine.  then i ran into her Maid/Matron of Honor at the gym, got her phone # and since the shower had come and gone, i told her i want to help with the bachelorette and she said sure. i called her, she never called back. and a week later i got the evite with it already planned. i was really annoyed, but then at that point i just let it go.  i realized its the bride i care about, not the other girls, so on the wedding day, i made sure i was there for her.    what irked me the most was after the wedding was over, the Maid/Matron of Honor emailed me, was super friendly, and asked for all my pictures of wedding and events so she could make a CD of pics for the bride, i sent them to her, i asked for her pics in return – especially from the bachelorette because i didnt have many, and she never replied again!  anyways, sometimes people are just like that, and if i were you, i would focus on being a good friend to the bride and ask her if there is anything she needs. thats why she asked you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man after all.

Post # 8
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Here’s my perspective on this, as a bride. You are already more than just a partygoer because she asked you to be in her wedding party. That is an honor – it means she feels close to you, and she wants you to be by her side on the day she marries. That’s huge. She, and possibly her Maid/Matron of Honor, also probably do not want to burden any of the wedding party any more than they have to in planning the wedding and surrounding events. Most brides know that their BMs have lives, and they have lots going on in them, and most of us brides want to avoid being “bridezilla” and forcing BMs to spend tons of time on the wedding.

Now, I don’t know if this is the case with the Maid/Matron of Honor, but she may feel like that, too – like she doesn’t want to burden anyone. Or she may be possessive over her title – that can happen, too.

Or there literally may not be anything that the bride or Maid/Matron of Honor need help with right now. That has happened to me A LOT – lots of people wanting to help, and me with nothing that I need help with at the moment. It can actually create more stress for me to have people feeling like I’m leaving them out of some big secret bridal operation, like “Project Wedding Storm” is going on at my house all the time – when really, most of what I’ve done so far is just surfing the internet for ideas and ordering things I need online. My point is – if the bride needs help, she will in all likelihood call on all of her bridal party when that time comes. And if she doesn’t, please don’t feel hurt by that. It may be just that she’s trying not to make her wedding into a big pain for everyone else.

Post # 9
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Oh, and also – if the Maid/Matron of Honor is planning lots of expensive things that are out of your budget, just tell her that. Being upfront and direct about stuff like that is usually the best route.

Post # 10
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m going through the SAME situation right now! My sister’s Maid/Matron of Honor and her FI’s family have completely taken over! Her Maid/Matron of Honor then had the nerve to tell my sister that she was trying to get in touch with us but we “weren’t responding” … B.S.! 

I’m sorry I can’t offer much in the way of advice, but I haven’t really figured out much of a solution either.

 

Post # 11
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@julies1949:

I think you needed to avoid talking in code and come right out and say that you would like to be more involved in the decision making and planning re these events.

That’s not the message that they likely perceived when they read your email.

“I basically said that I would love to be more involved, that it would mean a lot to me to contribute more and to please let me know if there is anything I could do to help.

 

This!

tell them! I’d love if my bridesmaids would ask to be more involved!

Post # 12
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am very sorry that you are feeling bummed.  I don’t think any of it is being done with the intention to make you feel that way.  She asked you to be in the wedding because she does care a great deal about your friendship.  That said, the duties you’re mentioning above are typical duties of the Maid/Matron of Honor.  She asked the other person to be Maid/Matron of Honor for a reason.  They were all items I took care of myself with the bride when I was(am) Maid/Matron of Honor, and are things I expect my Maid/Matron of Honor to take care of, not the BMs.  It’s great to have the BMs involvement, but as you stated yourself, it’s VERY hard to get buy in from so many people.

It might help if you googled some of the responsibilites of the Maid/Matron of Honor vs Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Then if you want to be more involved, be direct and let the Maid/Matron of Honor know.  She’s still the first person in charge of planning things, but I’m sure she’d love help.  Just be direct.

Post # 13
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with much of what Bubu82 said.  My own opinion is that you should consider this from the bride’s perspective.  As a bride, I’ve had to deal with bridesmaids that don’t want to do anything.  They don’t want to vote on things like shoes, they don’t want to show up to fittings, etc.  Then I have the bridesmaids that want a hand in everything, even when I don’t really need it.  It’s tough to accomodate everyone, especially when we’re not even sure what you want.

It’s ALL about communication, no matter which side of this issue you’re on.  The communication, however, should be directly with the bride and it should be frank and honest.  You said “let me know if you need any help.”  To me, that means what it means–I’ll call you if I need something.  I wouldn’t know it means that you want to host or be actively involved.  Just tell them bride you want something to do, or better yet take an initiative to do something that you know she’ll appreciate.  Nothing to step on her toes, but maybe you could send her a cute little bridal care package, offer to address envelopes, send her a list of great things to do in the area where her wedding is, offer to be in charge of booking blocks of room.  Whatever helps!

Also, just as a really friendly tip.  You are trying to prove to her how you want to help, be involved, be there for her, etc.  Don’t make a big deal about the cost of her bachelorette party.  If the way she wants your support is for you to come to her lavish bachelorette party, then make every effort to do that πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’ve honestly been a horrible delegater, and I can’t imagine what I would do with 7 bridesmaids.  My Maid/Matron of Honor planned my bachelorette party, and each of my bridesmaids planned a shower in their hometown (one of the BMs is FI’s sister).  Otherwise, I haven’t asked them to do anything.  I’ve leaned on my mom a little bit, since she lives in the town where the wedding will be, so there are things she can do in person that I can’t.  But otherwise I’ve made all the calls, done all the projects (with FI’s help), and made all the plans myself.  People keep offering to help, but I know they’re busy and strapped for cash, plus I know exactly what I want and therefore can do it easier and more efficiently than they can.  It doesn’t mean I love them any less or don’t appreciate their help, but I honestly can’t think of jobs for them if I tried.

On the big day, I’ll definitely be glad for their support and help with bustling, keeping me fed and watered, getting me out of endless conversations, etc.  But right now, there’s nothing else I want from them.  I’d do what PPs said and offer to help, but not be offended if you can’t.

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