Post # 1
I’m only having a Maid/Matron of Honor, no other BM’s. She was excited at first, now I feel like I can’t talk to her about the wedding at all. With the shower, my mom really wants to help (which means A LOT to me because we haven’t always had the closest relationship) and it will help Maid/Matron of Honor with the cost. However, Maid/Matron of Honor is not texting/calling my mom back. She says she doesn’t have any details to give her, because the shower is still 3 months away so she hasn’t really started planning anything. My mom is upset, and telling me, which hurts my feelings.
Then, my other friends have been asking me about a bachelorette party. My Maid/Matron of Honor can’t afford to do both a shower and the bachelorette party, which I totally get. I wanted to have this experience with my friends, so I told her I’d pay for it if she “throws” it.. it’s just dinner and going out after, so there’s really no set up or anything and I’m getting a hotel for us all to go back to so no one will have to worry about driving. Paying for some minor decorations isn’t that big of a deal for me to do in order to have those memories. I sent Maid/Matron of Honor the rough draft of my e-invite, which says “Look your best in a little black dress!” and her response was “I don’t own a black dress”.
I feel like she wants nothing to do with it. She’s come over twice to help me with a wedding project and she get frustrated and quits saying, “I’ll just supervise”.
She has things going on too, and I have been helping her as much as I can. She is apartment hunting right now, so I have gone pick up keys for her, calling and researching the apartments she likes (and she’s asked me to do this), going to look at the apartments with her, etc. She is my best friend, so why wouldn’t I do this?
Am I being selfish or overly sensitive?
Post # 3
@eliseemma: Is she upset that she is not throwing the shower by herself? Did she want to design the bachelorette party invitation herself?
I would suggest listening to her feelings about this – maybe she wants to be in charge of something and feels she isnt’?? I’d ask her about it. 🙂
Post # 4
I think you might be being a bit over-sensitive.
In regards to your shower, three months away is a lot of time. I don’t really understand why this is upsetting your mom…if there is nothing to tell, there is nothing to tell. TBH if your mom was calling me all the time after I told her that I would be pretty irritated.
A lot of people aren’t crafty. At all. And they just don’t enjoy that stuff. I am one of them, which is why I didn’t DIY a single thing for my wedding. And if one of my friends asked me to help with their stuff I would dread it. She’s coming over to help, and she is being there….her getting frustrated and not wanting to be crafty is not about you. Some people just don’t like that stuff. I think you’re taking this too personally.
I think you might need to tailor your expectations a bit: you can’t expect someone to do things exactly the way you would. It sounds like she is trying. Cut her some slack.
Post # 5
@eliseemma: i don’t think so. as far as your mum goes, if the shower is three months away, she needs to chill and you need to tell her so. ‘mum i’m so glad you’re excited about the shower, i am too and i’ve let moh know that you want to help which is great! she’s got a lot going on right now but is going to be planning it in february and till then i think you should just give her a little space’. it’s unfair of your mum to be ‘helping’ by hassling her about a party in 12 weeks.
for the bachelorette party, i would have responded ‘i/ tina/lindsay have a few you could borrow’ or ‘we can go shopping soon!’ depending on her mood and financial situation. i wouldn’t press that right now, but if her attitude doesn’t improve i would do a ‘kill her with kindness scenario’. saying ‘it means so much to me that you’ve accepted the role of moh, there’s no one i’d rather spend these times with’ or whatever might turn her attitude around. she may be focusing on the fact that she can’t give you everything she thinks you deserve (bachelorette etc) instead of focusing on your gratitude. so i’d go out of my way to be super grateful and just tell her what her friendship means to you. some people might need to hear that more than once to really get it.
Post # 6
@eliseemma: Hm. Unfortuanetly in life, you don’t always get what you give. So while it’s very nice of you to go apartment hunting with her and help her with that endeavor, it doesn’t necessarily mean she has to give as much back. I was Maid/Matron of Honor for my best friend last year and I spent a lot of time planning her shower, bachelorette, and getting the other BM’s to contribute to the night before the wedding partying so it’s not like I was a “slacker” or wanting to do the bare minimum, but I did NOT have any interest in helping her with DIY projects or planning the wedding in any way. It’s just not the job of a Maid/Matron of Honor and some people simply are interested in those things. I don’t think you can get upset with her for not wanting to help with a wedding project.
Also the shower is not a must for the Maid/Matron of Honor. If your mom wants to plan it and host it, then she can do it with or without your Maid/Matron of Honor (although I guess that’s technically not proper etiquette for immediate family). If your Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t want to plan this far out, but is still happy to host it, then honestly your mom needs to let it go for now. 3 months is a good chunk of time to plan a shower and your Maid/Matron of Honor sounds like she has other things on her plate. Your mom getting her feelings hurt over being gunho to plan the shower before the host is not really the host’s fault.
Post # 7
@eliseemma: Well, the old saying is “no one will be as excited about your wedding as you”, but it still hurts, especially when you seem to be a great friend to her. You said she had a lot going on and that stress is taking priority in her mind right now. I’m sorry you all can’t be excited together. It sucks. I can understand why you’re bummed–especially when you’re going through a very exciting time in your life. Honestly, I’d have a heart-to-heart with her and just tell her how you feel and ask her, too, about what’s happening in her life as I’m sure she is stressed about that. You seem like a really good friend who is not asking too much of her MoH. You’ve also really stepped up to help her out it sounds like. You sound genuinely bummed out that she can’t share your excitement, and at the same time, she sounds like she is going through stuff in her life right now that she needs to focus on as well. Hopefully you two will work things out and everything will be great! Congrats on your upcoming wedding and keep being excited! 🙂
Post # 8
@Astra: She said she appreciated that my mom wanted to help with the shower.
@sara_tiara: I understand that with the DIY. As far as my mom, my mom is not calling her or texting her continuously. She’s called or texted less than a handful of times and not gotten a response. I don’t think it’s wrong that my mom wants a ballpark idea of budget or a direction of where to go or what to do.
Post # 9
@eliseemma: But if your Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t have anything to tell her, then your mom needs to chill until she does. Your Maid/Matron of Honor said she wants the help…when it’s time for help, she’ll contact her. This doesn’t have to become an issue.
Post # 10
@peonyinlove: Thank you for your advice. 🙂 I think my mom is mostly upset that she is being flat out ignored.
@MrsYokiman: I really don’t want to be upset. I have heard many stories when a wedding can ruin friendships and I truly don’t want that to happen.
@carolinabelle: I understand. I don’t do things to help her just expecting to get the same in return. I help because I want to. I just wish she acted a little bit excited…
Post # 12
I think your Maid/Matron of Honor should have at least responded to your mom, and I think the little black dress comment was out of line unless she literally can’t even afford a $10 Goodwill dress, in which case you’d probably already know that.