(Closed) But I Was Engaged FIRST!!!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 74
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Zinzerena: Has anyone considered the fact the cousin MIGHT have done this BECAUSE of the family members having to choose???  And she wanted them at HER wedding?

Ha.  I think I’m inviting second cousins I wouldn’t recognize on the street.  I’m the reverse – for them, I would love it if someone planned a wedding on the same day as me.  (But I’d like to keep the ones I’ve seen outside of funerals.)  It honestly could be any or all of the following options: 1) oblivious, 2) doesn’t care, 3) wants people at hers, and/or 4) wants fewer at her wedding.  Honestly to me, 4 seems more likely than 3 (though I personally feel 1 or 2 is most likely).

Post # 75
39 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow….I’m sorry you have to deal with this. People can be so thoughtless and selfish sometimes. Is it too late for her to change her date? Can you talk to her and explain the situation…perhaps your fears. It sounds to melike you would both have a better turn-out if she changed her date.

Please know that you are not alone in this. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND! My cousin tried to do this to me. Fiance and I got engaged 12/19/10 and are getting married 6/30/12. My cousin got engaged early 1/4/11. Here’s the part that really steamed me though.

Fiance and I booked venues pretty quickly…by February 19th in fact. This was no secret though because I had been happily updating everyone via facebook (to which my family, who is for the most part scattered across the country, is all a part of….including my cousin. It was sometime in early March that my oh so inconsiderate cousin decides that she is going to get married 6/23/2012….1 week before my wedding! To further set the stage for you and help you understand why I was so mad….this will be my first (and only) wedding while she is on wedding #3 with what will be baby daddy #4 (if she has kids with this guy). That’s right…2 failed marriages and 3 kids with 3 different guys. Not that I’m judging though because she leads a different life.

Since my family is small too, I was REALLY concerned that important family members (like my aunt who lives in CO) would have to pick and choose which wedding to attend. To clarify though, I’m not about the presents or anything like that. I wasn’t worried that she was trying to steal my thunder. It really wasn’t anything except for the fact that weddings, in my opinion, are about families coming together and celebrating the couple’s love for one another. That stated….it makes it really hard to come together as a family when 1/2 or a good portion can’t come because they’ll be attending another wedding a week before. That….was what made me so mad and sad at the same time.

To remedy, I called my father and explained the situation. I asked his opinion because I didn’t want to go all Bridezilla if it wasn’t necessary. I tried to give my cousin the benefit of the doubt and called her mother (my cousin actually. Her daughter is technically my 2nd cousin) and explained the situation. I explained that Fiance and I have had our date picked for some time and had even placed deposits on the venues. To have her 3rd wedding one week before mine would put our family in an awkward position. A position that I didn’t think needed to be there in the fist place. She explained that my cousin wasn’t thinking and that since they had gotten engaged on her birthday, they wanted to marry on his. She further explained that my cousin wasn’t going to have a large wedding. Okay….I admit it’s a cute idea to get married on his birthday. But…I questioned why she needed an engagement of over a year and a wedding the week before mine if it really wasn’t as big of an ordeal as she claimed. In the end, my cousin agreed and made her daughter change her date.

I know there are bees out there who will most likely call me a bridezilla for acting the way I did, but I will tell you this. When it is your wedding, it should be a special day for you. Other people’s selfishness and inconsiderateness unfortunately play a role. I’m only lucky that my cousin understood and my 2nd cousin understood too and agreed to change her date. Had they both not been so understanding, we could have had a real fight on our hands that most likely would have divided our already small family.

So….like I stated before, I totally understand. Good luck with this and in your planning!

Post # 76
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My younger sister and I were in a similar situation. She was engaged first, and so my fiance and I decided to get married six months after her, which, although it meant a long engagement, I did not want to jump the gun on her. Does it mean that fewer of our relatives will be able to come to my wedding than hers? Yes. But she was engaged first, and it would have been incredibly rude for me to push my wedding up just so I could have more family attend.

I don’t understand all the harsh, judgemental comments on this thread. I don’t think the poster is going all selfish bridezilla about wanting a whole year to herself. I would be sad too if I knew that I wouldn’t be able to share my wedding day with my loved ones just because they were forced to choose between myself and another close relative who chose a date so close to my own. If a girl can’t vent on weddingbee about these kinds of things, where should she go?

Post # 78
1626 posts
Bumble bee

OOps, I was that person. Me and two siblings got engaged in one month. October last year. We were to marry one after the other but my mum and brother were adamant that I get married before my brother. I am the eldest and in my culture, that stands for something. I didn’t care one way or the other but what helped was that I had a whole different set of people coming. Many of my family members live in TX and I live in NYC. The other people were coming from Africa and thanks to God, they are willing to make the flight twice in 6 weeks. I was so lucky. AND, my Future Sister-In-Law has been very cool with everything. I’ve been sharing deets and helping her. My sister decided to get married in April next year to ease everyone out of the marriage run around. It can work. I am living proof that it can. Good luck to the OP, I do understand where you are coming from. If it was going to be a hassle for my family members, you bet my brother and my Future Sister-In-Law would have been pissed and I think they would have had a right to be!

Post # 79
44 posts

The wedding date becomes a problem if you have many mutual friends or family members who are traveling from afar.  If not, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I’m sure you’ll still get enough guests to have a wonderful bash.  The ones closest to you will likely try to attend your wedding no matter where they’re coming from. 

Post # 80
19 posts
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Treejewel19: Yes, that does sound inconsiderate of her… but when it comes down to it.. everyone that wants to be at your wedding will be there. And anyone who doesn’t care enough to MAKE it work & attend both hers and yours, well… it’s their loss and not yours.

My cousin and I had our weddings one month apart… everyone who really cared came to both.. and none of them have tons of money to do so.

When it came down to it, our special days both went exactly as they were supposed to go.  And honestly, if it weren’t for pictures… I couldn’t have told you whether or not several of our guests/family were actually there or not!  The day is such a whirlwind and I ONLY had eyes for my groom…. think of it this way, one less table you will have to spend time talking to, and that much more time with your new husband on the most special day of your lives!

The more laid back/easy going you are about all of the details, the easier and less complicated your whole wedding will come together.  I can honestly say I had a completely stress-free wedding which allowed me to enjoy my engagement and wedding day so much more!

Post # 81
1601 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ugh.  I know this is an old thread (they just pop up and I need to comment before I see the date on the bottom LOL) but I’ll chime in, just to make you feel better if it’s still an issue.  Personally, I find it odd that a cousin you were this close with would choose a date before yours knowing your date…I know 6 weeks isn’t 2 days but it’s still close enough to create a problem, and by having hers first she ensures that the people who can only travel twice will go to hers and not yours.  If it was accidental, she would have changed it the second one of your family members mentioned it…at least I would.  If I was one of your relatives and I knew of your date and later found out about hers, because she got engaged later, I would be on your side. 

The first time I got married I had a long engagement because of trying to pick a date.  During that time FI’s stepbrother met a woman (MET her), dated her, proposed and she started planning their wedding for 5 months before mine…6 months from first meeting to wedding.  I was upset by this, because just when I needed everyone in his family’s help with misc. things, they were busy planning hers (when I was there first LOL), and I’m pretty sure that some things I had been considering had been suggested to her by other relatives…so despite planning my own wedding for nearly a year before they met, my wedding would look like a knockoff of theirs.  To add insult to this, the dress she wore very closely resembled mine and she told everyone how she got it at a thrift store for around $30!  (Mine was brand new from a bridal shop and cost significantly more)  And FI’s stepsister once asked me NOT to show off my engagement ring at a party to relatives I hadn’t seen in a while, because she might be upset or jealous that she didn’t have one.  I never said a word, because I didn’t want to look like the bridezilla.  Clearly I’m still annoyed LOL.

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