Post # 1
SO and I are past our third anniversary. I’d say I’ve been waiting for about two years…. quietly at first, but in the last year I’ve become increasingly vocal about my dissatisfaction. SO has given a variety of nonsense reasons why he hasn’t proposed – the latest one is that he can’t plan a proposal and surprise me when I keep going on about it. Well maybe he should have proposed before we reached the point where I felt I had to start complaining!
Anyway, we live in a rented apartment and our landlord is a pain in the a**. SO feels that the best way forward is to buy our own place. He doesn’t have enough cash to buy a place by himself, but he could buy one with my financial input. So basically he needs me to help him buy an apartment.
I’ve said that I don’t want to combine finances or buy property with someone who doesn’t intend to marry me. He says he does intend to marry me. I say my empty ring finger suggests otherwise. He says he fully intends to propose but I’m preventing him from doing it because I keep asking about it!
SO is now blaming me for living in this crummy apartment, because I’m the one who refuses to buy property together (um, maybe you should propose and I’d buy property with you tomorrow!) He’s suggesting we should buy an apartment together, I should keep my mouth shut about engagement, and he will then get around to proposing. I don’t think he’s a liar or a deceiver, but at the same time I don’t see why he can’t just propose and then we can get on with buying an apartment afterwards. If he’salready decided that he intends to propose eventually, why can’t he do it now?
Part of me feels like I love him and I’d find it extremely difficult to leave him if he never proposed, so we may as well just buy an apartment together as I’m probably not going to leave anyway, no matter what happens. The other part of me feels really uncomfortable at the prospect of buying property with someone who (legally) is little more than a roommate, and being locked into a relationship with no guarantee we’ll ever get married. The frustrating thing is that I’m really keen to buy an apartment and have a place of our own, and get on with our lives… I just really don’t feel comfortable with skipping over the step where I get a ring on my finger!
What would you do?
Post # 3
I would go with your gut and not buy property with someone who has not made a solid committment to you. I have the same policy, I would LOVE to buy a house with SO but he knows that no ring = no buying a house. I have seen to many women on these boards who have made long moves or bought property with their SO’s with the idea that a proposal was comming soon, and they are still waiting.
I woudl also consider if he would be able to afford a ring after buying property as well.
Post # 4
@Fiberoptic: Do you need a ring of your finger for it to count as an engagement, for it to be an intention to marry you?
Is the ring a financial issue for him?
Basically, is a proposal without a ring good enough for you? If yes, tell him. Talk to him about a timeline for saving up for/getting a ring OR even just going ahead with getting married without rings.
ETA – I bought a house with my now husband before we were engaged. I KNEW we would be together, I KNEW it was only a matter of time before he proposed and we got married. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. I have no regrets.
That’s not to say I don’t completely understand your hesitation. My husband conveyed to me his intention to be with me forever. We had also been together for about 7 years by the time we purchased our home. He was actually bugging ME to get married for years prior! Ha!
It’s all about the dynamic of your relationship and whether or not you truly trust that your relationship will last.
Post # 5
I agree… stick with your gut on this one.
You also just buy a place yourself, without his name on the paperwork, and have him pay you rent. That way you’re not financially merged.
Post # 6
Your strong hesitation to combine your finances at this point in your relationship is based on wisdom. Heed it. Legally, your SO is NOT “little more than a roommate.” He IS only a roommate. I would not compromise on this issue.
Post # 7
I’d say – if you don’t feel comfortable buying an apt with him until you’re officially engaged with a ring on your finger, then don’t. Tell him that you do no want to discuss the issue again until he proposes. Then, join the SIU pact and stop hounding him for it.
I didn’t join the SIU pact – I actually didn’t think an engagement was really coming and so I jokingly would say things like, “Should I get my nails done this weekend?” like – are you going to put a ring on my finger? whenever we had some fun weekend plans and he said that he refused to do it when I knew it was coming and so he waited until I stopped talking about it and then he did it. My Fiance actually had a ring a year before he proposed when we went on a weekend trip together, but felt like the timing wasn’t right and sent the ring back to the jeweler to continue making payments on it for a bigger center stone until the time was right for us. So… I’d say – the SIU pact likely works (tons of waiting girls come on here and say it does).
The thing that I’m seeing here though is that the two of you aren’t communicating properly. I don’t understand why you haven’t sat down and talked about and agreed about these 2 major life decisions. Have you talked about when he sees you two actually getting married? How long of an engagement you both want? What his timeline is for the proposal? How long he wants to live in the apt for before he buys a house (if that’s even in his consideration)? The thing I don’t understand is girls freaking out that their man isn’t proposing to them and they don’t know when it’s coming – it SHOULD be a surprise, let him surprise you, but at the same time you should also know it’s coming sometime soon without you hounding him about it. It really sounds like you need to back off a bit.
ETA: 3 years isn’t even that long a time – I was dating Fiance for 3 years when he proposed and we moved in together 6 months into dating and knew we were getting married. But, ALL my friends were dating their SO’s for MUCH longer than 3 years. My friend has been dating her Fiance for 6 years before he proposed, my other friend for 5, another friend since HS (and we’re all 28 now – she got married in 2011), and another since college. So, I’d say that there are a few factors – how long you’ve been dating, your age, and where you two are in life – before you start to think “we’ve been together too long, where is my ring?” etc.
Post # 8
I am glad that your experience turned out so well for you and your Darling Husband. However, with respect, I think it’s important to point out (for the benefit of others reading the thread now or later) that you did not “know” you would be together. You strongly believed it to be true, and those are two very different things.
Nothing is certain, and there are all kinds of circumstances that could have prevented your plans from happening as you hoped and envisioned. Had things not turned out as you had planned, you may be in a very different situation now. I am glad for you and your Darling Husband that all went well for you. But I know of two others for whom this was not the case, one situation being the result of unexpected, sudden death.
Post # 9
this is the same guy who told you you weren’t ‘tidy enough’ for a proposal. he’s never short of excuses. I think in your heart of hearts you know he isnt going to marry you.
this seems to be a recurring theme in your posts, being that this a pattern in your previous relationships, have you ever considered counseling? this has helped me a great deal to reevaluate what mistakes i could be making in realationships that dont progress beyond just dating exclusively.
in your previous posts you said you would leave if he didnt propose, but here you seem to have had a change of heart. if youre going to stay knowing he may not ever marry you, i hope you can find some peace with that decision, but dont ever blame him, you made the choice to stay.
lastly, if you dont feel comfortable not only footing the bill for an apartment but co-habitating with him, dont. but if you decide to take this route i would do as the PP said, keep his name off of it and have him contribute towards rent..
Post # 10
@Fiberoptic: The one thing that I have learned throughout the years is to follow my heart. I have learned to trust my instincts. If you’re feeling like you’re not ready to buy property with your SO, then don’t. I’ve seen people rush into committing to each other financially (buying a car together, buying property together, combining their money, etc) before committing to each other (engagement, marriage, etc). Most of the time, it doesn’t end well!
Just follow your instincts. You’ll know what to do.
Post # 12
@Brielle: Fair enough. It’s not something I would necessarily recommend to everyone. We were in a very different position – a lot of time invested, a serious commitment was there with or without an engagement/marriage.
Post # 13
Gosh dang it OP! Are we still in this spot?! You sound very intelligent. Why would you buy a place with someone who isn’t making you happy? Why are you putting his needs ahead of your own? He hasn’t proposed. Your resentment will only get worse if you get another place together.
You know what I did? I walked and bought my own house! He came crawling back. I hope it works out but he’s stalling again (big surprise)! It’s not like I don’t know what I’m talking about. I love this guy too. But I’m not making major life decisions with him until he is my husband.
Post # 14
I would hold your ground. You want commitment, and I agree with you, it makes no sense to buy a house with someone that legally isn’t anything to you. Not to mention it would be a pain in the ass if (hope not) something happened to you guys and you end up splitting. No way I would buy a house especially with him giving those kind of excuses to why he didn’t propose yet. I looks to me as he is taking some advantage of you and your money to get what he wants without having to propose. If he is not ready for marriage (thats why he didn’t propose yet) then you guy can find another rental house, and when you guys are married (not only engaged) buy a house together. That what I would do.
I think you should follow your gut, you know that you don’t want to do it, then don’t, don’t let him pressure you into something you don’t feel confortable with, and if he can’t take it, then that’s his loss. I mean, do you really want to be in a relationship where your husband guilts you into everything he wants? I don’t think so.
Speak with him, say that you don’t feel confortable with that step, since you guys aren’t married, and you will happilly do it after that. But not now, since you feel he is not ready for such commitment (that’s why he didn’t propose yet, not some lame excuse), it wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do.
Hope I helped. Good luck.
Post # 15
@Fiberoptic: based on your post, you realistically don’t see marriage in the future. let’s face it, he has too many excuses (for whatever the reason). if you truly, deep down felt that he was “the one”, buying a home together without a ring would not be an issue.
after 3 years together and still only feeling like “room mate” status says it all. don’t buy a home together. if you can financially afford an apartment on your own, buy one yourself, in your name only. he can pay you rent. that way, if anything happens and you realize that he is not the one, you can simply ask him to leave and the property remains yours. tell him that once the two of you marry, you will be happy to add him to the title and the mortgage. how would your bf respond to that situation?
Post # 16
I wouldn’t buy property with him before engagement either. And I think it’s unreasonable that he’s blaming you for that when you have laid out what needs to happen (engagement) I also agree with PP’s comment about will he/you be able to afford a ring & a wedding after buying a place? Maybe that will just make him put it off more.