(Closed) Buying a home before marriage.

posted 5 years ago in Home
Post # 2
Member
1764 posts
Buzzing bee

DON’T DO IT! marriage first, house second

Post # 3
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

That’s a big ole nope. If he wants to marry you then whats keeping him from proposing? No ring, no house. 

Post # 4
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Are you at least engaged? I think it’s acceptable to buy a house if you’re engaged with a set wedding date. Although how people could afford both at the same time impresses me. I don’t think I’d be able to buy a house with someone I wasn’t engaged to, regardless of how long we’d been together and what promises he may have made…

Post # 5
Member
2140 posts
Buzzing bee

Everyone told me what a big commitment my ex was making buying a house with me. He walked out on me a couple of weeks after we moved in stating that it was all too much for him, he realized he didn’t want to marry me. We were equally on the house and mortgage which doesn’t mean you each owe half it means you are both responsible for the purchase. If he moves out and doesn’t pay and you can’t afford it there goes your credit. Marriages do break up too but I won’t buy a house again without the commitment of marriage first. If you do, make sure to see an attorney to draw up a contract about what to do if one of you wants to sell or move out, etc, it still won’t protect your credit but it’s something. I of course thought we would be together forever and engagement would follow the home, but I’m glad it didn’t overall bc I met the right one and will be engaged to him soon 😉

Post # 6
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

We bought a home before getting married and it was the best choice we ever made! 

You mention a lot about being fearful about pushing him away with talks about marraige, etc.  You’ve been togehter for 4 years, so I think you’re safe on this front.  You need to be able to be open with your partner about these things.  He’s obviously thinking about future planning and while the wedding isn’t that important on his radar – to you and further your parents, this IS a big deal.  If talking about marriage is enough to scare him away at this point you need to know that because if it is, he’s never going to be ready for it.  

He’s planning for your joint future and that means taking more than just his plans into consideration. I would suggest having another conversation with him about WHEN he’s looking at getting married – make sure he knows you’re not looking to start a stopwatch or anything like that, but that you need a rough timeline and you need to know why he’s NOT thinking about it yet.  Is it because he isn’t sure? Or jsut that it’s not a priority for him? If he’s still not 100% sure he wants to marry you, then you shouldn’t be buying a house together.  But if it’s just a matter of wanting to be financially secure in a house BEFORE making large “frivilous” purchases like jewelry (e-ring) and parties (wedding) then that’s ok in my opinion.  

This was the approach me and my husband took.  We had been together for about 3.5 yrs when we got engaged (because he knew based on our CONVERSATIONS about the future, that I wasn’t comortable making any large investments, etc. without knowing it was happening and once we talked about it he figured he may as well buy the ring and make that step official knowing we were both wanting a longer engagement – but then again my ring was only $600 – so it wasn’t nearly the financial step that a lot of couples/women expect in a ring).  We bought a house a year later and our wedding was another year following that.  

We did it that way because we TALKED about it and agreed that neither of us felt comfortable spending thousands on a party while we were still paying someone else’s mortgage. So, we bought the house, then started saving for a wedding.  This was also a great time in the housing market so we bought our house relatively low and sold it for a profit just 2 years later. 

Post # 7
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
clove22:  I bought my house solo before engagement. I wouldn’t mingle long term finances without being married.

Post # 8
Member
2140 posts
Buzzing bee

Adding – can he just legally buy himself? You an shop with him and help him choose and be added to the deed to own the house later if you marry.

Post # 9
Member
7895 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It will be very difficult in the future if you own the house together and then break up. If he hasn’t seriously thought about marriage, I would be concerned. He might just be getting excited about the possibilities without considering how to actually carry it out. 

Post # 10
Member
7131 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You know your Boyfriend or Best Friend better than anyone here, so keep that in mind.

However, a house is a big financial responsibility, so even if you were to break up before marriage you would likely both need attorneys and would lose the house. It is also possible that if things were acrimonious, you could lose your investment in the home to pay the lawyer fees.

The thing I find most concerning is that he hasn’t given any thought to proposing or marriage. He seriously wants to buy a home and hasn’t considered when he wants to get married? That seems really odd to me that he is planning a future with you but hasn’t given any thought to when and how that future might occur. And if he is comfortable enough with you now to buy a home together, what will prevent him from being so comfortable that marriage just never seems like a good time? You will both invest financially in the home, so that automatically pushes marriage further down the line until you have available cash again (which may be unlikely given that homes require upkeep, insurance, new furniture, repairs, etc. How many times will you plan to get married and then the roof needs replacing or the furnace goes out before you just never get around to it?

For me, personally, I would NEVER buy a home with someone I wasn’t at least engaged to, and I would much rather be married before taking that step. The future isn’t guaranteed, and if he hasn’t given any thought to when he will propose, then he isn’t as invested in a future together as he says, IMO.

Post # 11
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Yeah nope. If he’s that serious, he can get engaged to you first at least. 

Post # 12
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
clove22:  it’s a toughie. FWIW Darling Husband bought a home together after being together around two years I guess. We weren’t engaged and had lived together for a year renting already. IMO a house is a better investment than a wedding. If I were that concerned about being married we’d have got married in a registry office just to sign the papers. We got engaged after a few years in this house (5.5 years together) and married two years later. There were no issues for us but I come from a different culture (we’re English). It’s usual in my country for couples to live/buy together before they marry. I’d say overall it’s deemed foolish to pour money into a party which could be used to invest in property. But I understand your hesitation, perhaps you should get engaged first. The ring could just be a stand in before you’re more financially stable.

Post # 13
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

Nope!  Don’t do it. 

Post # 14
Member
13016 posts
Honey Beekeeper

People get engaged and married all the time without having enough money for an expensive reception. The only reason we had a formal wedding at all was because our parents co-hosted. There’s no way I would buy a home with someone before marriage. 

Post # 15
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Hhhhhmmmm, I am with your parents. I wouldn’t intermingle finances like that and make large financial purchases with someone I am not married to. It also concerns me that he has not thought about marriage. How can he think about a house and not marriage? 

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