Post # 1
I feel bad even posting this but… my boyfriend and I been dating for almost 5 years. We are finally on the same page. I have a proposal timeline of next august. He understands my feelings about not moving in together until engagement. After all the things we have been through I should feel over the moon, especially since he stated that he is saving for my ring. Imagine my surprise when he said he decided that he is going to buy a house this year. This can out of no where. I am furious. I know I shouldn’t be because buying a home is in the best interest for our future, however, why is there a sudden rush to purchase a home? Of course I have been supportive and told him it is a great idea, which it is. I just can’t shake the feeling this is going to prolong the proposal. We both have excellent careers especially for our age of mid 20’s. I just don’t understand the need to save, he has been always been frugal and if he truly did not want to go into his reserves why he is applying his savings to home versus the ring? I have already been vocal about being ok with a plain band or a lack of a ring but he has been insistent that he wants to do things “right”. Idk is this just a disguised stalling tactic?
Post # 2
I would clarify the timeline with him given this new development of the house purchase. You said “he” is buying a house, which sounds like it’s his decision alone and that you won’t be part of the process. That doesn’t sound like someone who wants to commit his life to you. It’s possible that he just wants all his ducks in a row before proposing, but that’s also pulling at straws.
Post # 3
Depending on his financial situation, he should be able to manage both – unless you want an engagement ring way out of his budget or capability. And your timeline for your proposal is next year (August).
You’ve already stated that you don’t need a flashy or expensive ring, so I don’t really see why you should be concerned.
Post # 4
It really worries me that he decided all on his own to buy a house, without you. This is something you should be doing together. Why would he want to independently purchase a home?
He just doesn’t sound like someone who is looking for marriage. If he wanted to propose he would have done it already. And you should be combining finances and budgeting for this house together. That is, if he forsees a future with you living in it. Why would be by a house for the two of you on his own?
But anyway, I don’t see the purchase of a house interfering with the timeline. It just scares me that a guy in a committed relationship would make a major decision like that on his own.
Post # 5
If you buy the house together, make sure you have ironclad documents re: your ownership and what happens if you break up. I have a good friend that got totally screwed by not doing so.
Post # 6
I think you need to talk to him and clarify what your expectations are and see if he understands you’re serious. On the one hand, by buying a house he’s investing in a possible future with you. On the other hand, him buying a house without consulting the person who will presumably live there with him someday is kind of crazy…that’s a decision I’d rather make with my partner than have him make for me.
Post # 7
I’m more worried he’s picking out a home without you. He should be able to pay for both but if you plan on getting married why isnt he having you pick the house with him & why is he going to buy it without talking to you first when he knows it’ll become yours too?
Post # 8
The way I see it, there could be two reasons for why he is acting the way he is.
1) He wants to get everything in order before he officially proposes. To many guys, having a home is a key way of providing for their wife and future children. He knows this will be a big expense, so he wants to get it out of the way before the ring and before the wedding so that you guys know how much you can afford to spend. My Fiance is very much a supporter of wanting to provide for me – it was important that he buy a house before we got engaged/married (although we went halves in the deposit and split our mortgage payments, so it’s very much my house too) so that he was assured we had somewhere to live.
2) He’s not really interested in a commitment. He is the one who decided to buy a house and he appears to be doing so alone (ie without your financial assistance and without your opinion). He could be hoping use the cost of the house plus the associated expenses as an excuse for why he hasn’t proposed in the future. He could be hoping that you’ll just move in with him anyway, thereby going back on your original agreement that you would not live together until you were engaged. He could be thinking or hoping all sorts of things.
As PPs have said, it is possible to juggle the purchase of a house and other larger expenses (such as the purchase of an engagement ring), particularly if he has a good job like you say. If I was you, I’d probably wait to see what happened – if he asks you to move in after he’s bought a house but there hasn’t been a proposal, then you need to have a conversation about the engagement again; if next August comes and goes without a proposal, then you need to have a conversation about the engagement again and what the hold up is.
Post # 9
Thanks ladies for your responses. Let me clarify. Yes, when he started looking at homes it was a “we” thing, however, I did not want to get financially interwined with this kind of investment without us being legally bond. Reason being in my state in particular if a home is purchase during the marriage I will have legal rights to it, however, if a home was purchase outside of a marriage regardless of the financial investment I have no “true” ownership outside of my initial investment. From what I have found most documents have not stood up in court over these legal battles. Do I think this is a likely scenario for us? Not really, however, I am naturally a cautious person and it pushes me outside of my comfort zone. Even after my initial refusal to be a part of this “investment” he still has been asking me to look at the various places. My concern is just the “i just spent money on a home for us now i need to adjust the timeline”. I am going to take all of your advice see how this plays out and readjust.
Post # 10
eagerbeaver727: was he planning on using your money but not putting your name on the deed?
Post # 11
There’s really no reason he can’t do both, provided your ring isn’t prohibitively $$$. After 5 years, I wouldn’t be inclined to stick around much longer without a proposal, let alone contribute money toward a house down payment or mortgage.
Post # 12
eagerbeaver727: You are so right to have no part in this house legally/financially if youre not married. Just ask him if it effects your engagement timeline. But honestly talk is cheap… a timeline is a great way to placate someone. If he doesnt put a ring on it when he implied he would Id be out. You dont want to wake up mid thirties with this guy and repeat this thread.
Post # 13
I’d be livid if my Fiance prioritized a house over my our marriage, but I’ve always made it VERY clear that those are my priorities. Everyone’s are different. HOwever, you had a timeline and he has no interest in keeping it. This is a situation in which I’d walk or call a break. No way in hell would i Invest another 5 years if we’re not on the same page.
Post # 14
eagerbeaver727: zl27: Curious about this, because we are (almost) in the process of adding my name to the deed. If your name is on the deed, you should be entitled to the house*if* you were to divorce later. I had an acquaintance get screwed, too. And a family member who needed legal help and signatures of other family members to stay in the hosue she and her husband lived in for 25 years after he passed. She wasn’t on the deed.
And to your dilemma, I feel the same way. I would want a pretty solid commitment before getting a house together. You can get a less expensive ring. Even one without a diamond. IF both can’t be afforded. It seems he’s considering your future together, just maybe not in the order you were thinking (ring then house and he is house then ring).
Post # 15
I’m going to go at this from a different angle.. Obviously this was my preference and you can take what you will out of it but I was in a similar boat as you around the 5 year mark of our relationship.
We knew we were going to take “the next step” and what that was we were unsure, either engagement or purchasing a home together. We discussed it and we both decided that the best investment at the time would be a house so we went ahead and bought one together!
We had a lawyer write up an agreement in case things went sour, we made sure that whatever money we put into it we would recoup just in case we were to sell the home. we decided this was best for our future and really we were committing to each other on a 30 year mortgage!
For me personally I believe buying our home was a commitment in itself. We were engaged a year and half after we were settled into our home!
I’m not stupid I know people have been burned by doing this but I’m trying to give you a little perspective on how if you have open communication and are planning a future together, for me, living together and owning a home together was a perfect way to begin the next stage on our life. at that time I didn’t need a ring for him to prove his commitment and his love, because if he wanted to leave me he just as easily could have done it if we were engaged! Fact is we took a leap of faith and it was worth it…
OP do you not want to move in with him bc it is compromising your beliefs? I’m just trying to get a feel for why you’re very adamantly against it?