(Closed) buying a house before the "ring"

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

sparklesalways:  I’m not trying to argue with you but just curious, why would it be not okay to have a part in the house legally or financially without a ring?

Post # 17
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t blame you for wanting to be atleast engaged before buying a house together.

My fiance kept saying he wanted to save for a house instead of buying a ring. I frankly told him since the beginning that I did not want to invest in a house with him unless we are engaged and planning a wedding. Well he realized he can do both a ring abuy me nd save for a house at the same time lol.

For me it was more of security to know that we were expecting spend our life together so I can invest in a house with him. Which I know an engagment is not really permanent but it bonds us more then just if we were dating.

I would be a little put off if he was still looking at houses after I said I didn’t want to invest at this time.

Post # 18
Member
912 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I take issue with the unilateral decision here and kudos your decision to not commit financially.  I would ask him right out if the affects the engagement timeline.  Not gonna lie… I’m picturing a moving day proposal here.  

On the plus side, if he is qualifying on his own the house will definitely be affordable with both salaries when you are married.  I’ve seen too many people screw themselves by listening to what they bank said they could afford rather than their own budget.

Post # 19
Member
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Cheekie0077:  I dont think its a moral thing just practical. It can end in an absolute shit show if the relationship doesnt pan out as imagined. I know a handful of couples who bought homes/condos, some of which were engaged even, then broke up… were not even right side up on the house so were stuck living together while broken up and starting to date others (talking loud revenge sex in next room etc)… and some were so desperate to just get rid of the it they lost a lot of money on it.

Obviously if youre 100% confident youll be getting married, you can take the calculated risk and it might work out. But personally, I would not be 100% confident I was getting married till I was married.

Post # 20
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

sparklesalways:  I completely see your point and I guess I’m a bit defensive since we did things in the non-conventional way, buying a dog, then home, then another dog, then engagement, then marriage in 6 months lol. It worked out for us and I’m not saying it’s not a risk, it definitely is. I guess I was confident enough in my relationship, and we had a ton of discussions prior to this and were very upfront about the plan and the future, to know that if I took a leap of faith it would work out for the best. Everyone who divorces was in love and happy at some point right? Anything can happen wnether you’re dating, engaged, married, etc. It’s one of those things where it worked out for me and I would hope it could work out for others who wanted to go that route instead…

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Cheekie0077.
Post # 21
Member
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Cheekie0077:  totally, and you are not the only one to do it this way of course. I think its a combo of your “risk tolerance” (to borrow a stock investing term) and your openness and confidence about marriage. When the OP makes a thread like this though, I dont think the openness and confidence is there re: the inevitability of a marriage.

I get your analogy but I will say when youre married you have more legal protection/precedence when dissolving the assets, and if youre unmarried it can be a lot messier but you are right that there are no gaurauntees in life period.

Post # 22
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy

RedHeadKel:  Divorce lawyer here…If your name is on the deed you have legal rights of ownership based upon the language of the deed, whether and how it lays out proportional ownership etc. If you or he acquires property before marriage, it is NOT marital property, so if your name isn’t on it, you have virtually no rights.

If the property is acquired AFTER marriage it is part of the marital estate (barring a valid pre-nup) and you have ownership rights regardless of whether your name is on the title in most states.

OP, if you want to have an ownership interest in this house I would advise having him add your name to the title either before or after the marriage, otherwise if things go bust, you can be evicted in many states.

Post # 23
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Cheekie0077:  Love your story! This happened to us too.. I personally think owning a home is a committment in and of itself, in fact I found it to be more of a priority than marriage. We knew we had a future and I didn’t doubt his commitment to me or his willingness to continue building a life together.

I think this really comes down to house or marriage. Some people think marriage is the only real commitment and that’s not necessarily the case.. Sure, you can get burned but.. Such is life.. You can get burned if you’re engaged or married too. 

Post # 24
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

KC-2722:  thanks for your comment! And this is exactly what I was getting at and you put it perfectly! There was no doubt in my mind that we would EVENTUALLY be married but for me, and in the area I live in northern NJ 20 mins outside of NYC, we could not do both, as in buying a home, getting engaged/married. I wanted to do everything the way I wanted to. There is no way I could buy a home and have the wedding I would like back to back. For us it just made sense to focus on an investment together rather than a huge wedding. We bought our home in 2013 and we will be married 3 & 1/2 years later, I can now have the wedding of my dreams. I would be kicking myself now if I did it the other way around, we would have had to rent and spend an arm and a leg and never have a change to save up to own the home we have now! I am glad to hear that this worked out for you as well! Sounds like we have similar personalities 😉

Post # 25
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

lawandbeauty53:  Hey, your advice would come in handy on this website sometimes, I think! Actually all that you told me is kind of what I was trying to tell the OP.

We personally are adding my name on the house in case husband gets hit by a bus. He bought it before we got married, even though I’ve lived here the whole time and have contributed the whole time. We just want to make sure I’d have a place to live. We don’t have wills. I’m hoping this marriage sticks! Haha! I’ve been divorced and I don’t want to do that again if I don’t have to.

Post # 26
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

FH and I bought a house before marriage — but it was BOTH our idea. But based on what you’ve described here, it seems like something is off. I would not feel comfortable buying a house in your situation.

Post # 27
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

My issue with all of this is that ‘he’ decided to buy a house. You’ve been together for 5 years and he’s still making major decisions for the future without involving you as an equal? That doesn’t sound like someone who is fully committed. Sorry honey. If he has enough for a down payment, he’s been sitting on more than enough money to get a ring by now. Plus you don’t seem to have your heart set on major $$$$ bling, so I fail to see why the house and the ring is an either/or thing when it appears he could do both. Also no need to delay til August when you’ve already been together 5 years. He sounds like someone who is doing what’s best for himself, sadly you’re going to have to do the same, this guy is not operating like a team player in this relationship. 

Post # 28
Member
3504 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Darling Husband and I purchased a house before we were engaged.  He was saving for a ring and a house and after moving in together into a two bedroom apartment (with furniture from BOTH of our two bedroom apartments and our two big dogs) I told him straight up I didn’t care about the ring- I wanted the house.  I was 110% sure that we would not be breaking up.  We were going to have papers drawn up in case somethng did happen, but neither of felt the need to spend several thousand on legal fees (I would not recommend not having something drawn up though).  However, it was completely my decision and if I had said i wanted a ring first, he would have done it that way.  We ended up getting engaged just days after signing on the dotted line.

Like a PP I would have trouble with his unilateral decision and not discussing this with you to figure out the best thing for you as a couple.

ETA We had been together a year and a half when we purchased the house.  I would not have purchased the house after 5 years of him dragging his feet to commit.  Nope.

Post # 29
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy

RedHeadKel:  LOL, that “advice” was just for you because you gave me so much good advice on M….and plenty of laughs! I just retired months ago because after 20 years of representing criminals and people who fall out of love, it became a little soul-crushing. So now I’m finding my happy and the LAST thing I want to do is talk about the legalities of divorce….to people who 1) think they know better (just like some clients) and 2) who aren’t paying me obscene amounts of money…lmao

Post # 30
Member
2926 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

RobbieAndJuliahaha:  Unless I read the OP’s update wrong, it sounds like “they” were looking at houses together, the OP didn’t feel comfortable doing that without being engaged, so now “he” is looking at houses but still getting her input.

OP, I too wouldn’t feel comfortable buying a house unless I was married or at the very least engaged.  I too think it’s not that hard to save for a down payment and a ring unless you’re asking for a very expensive ring, which it doesn’t sound like you are.  If you’re going to marry this guy, you should not be afraid to talk to him about anything.  Discuss whether or not this pushes the timeline back.  If he says it does, then you need to decide whether you think it’s a stall tactic.  I don’t think anyone here can answer that based on what you’ve posted.

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