(Closed) buying a house before the "ring"

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 47
Member
5897 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

eagerbeaver727:  Is he talking about buying a house together?  Or he just decided he’s going to buy a house on his own?  It seems really concerning that after 5 years together and making a plan to get engaged in the next few months that he wouldn’t think to include you in this decision.

You say you’ve been through a lot together…usually the right relationship isn’t much of a struggle.  I’d question things and I’d be honest with him about how you feel.

Post # 48
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

my Fiance had bought a house way before he proposed (actually right around the time he wanted to but things happen and thats awhole other story). he did ask for my opinions on the house etc. but it really is not that big of a deal. 

Post # 49
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

The thing that I’m not getting out of ur update is like what your plan is with this house in the future… Like let’s say he buys the house without ur name on the deed, but he then proposed to u by next August like u already discussed is he okay with that decision? I guess I’m just not understanding your logic of why you don’t want your name associated with the house…. Are you trying to get him to not buy it?

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Cheekie0077.
Post # 50
Member
3112 posts
Sugar bee

RedHeadKel:  my friend was on the deed, but there was no documentation of who contributed what and what would happen if they split up. So, your name has to be on the deed and there has to be a “pre-nup” that defines what happens to the house if you break up. You need a GOOD lawyer.

Post # 51
Member
3112 posts
Sugar bee

For anybody reading this thread, if you buy a house with someone that you are not married to and there is no proper legal documentation of who contributed what and how it gets split up after you break up, you can get screwed out of everything. I have seen it happen.

Post # 52
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

eagerbeaver727: 

If you don’t want to move in with your boyfriend before engagement, it doesn’t make sense to buy a house with him before marriage either. I would never buy a house with someone unless I was married because home ownership is a huge commitment. 

It seems like he is trying to get the perks of marriage from you without even an engagement. You had to put pressure on your boyfriend to get a timeline for engagement and now he’s focusing on a house instead? It doesn’t seem like he wants to propose…he’s trying to stall after 5 years together and that’s not what you want. He seems comfortable with marrying later in life so it doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page after all. 

Post # 53
Member
8770 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

eagerbeaver727:  None of this makes sense to me.

  • in my state in particular if a home is purchase during the marriage I will have legal rights to it,” — if you buy a house with him before you’re married, you will also have legal rights to it. Unless you mean you want legal rights without putting any money towards it. Which seems weird. If you both put money towards it, you will both have legal rights to it, regardless of marital status.
  • however, if a home was purchase outside of a marriage regardless of the financial investment I have no “true” ownership outside of my initial investment.” — Well, yeah. Except the part where you said “regardless of financial investment” — it’s completely based on your financial investment, so I can’t figure out what you mean by that “regardless” statement. I also can’t figure out why you think you should have more ownership interest than your initial investment, unless you and your guy have determined that your contribution to the family’s finances will be to stay home. If that’s the case, it seems fair to agree that your interest in the property will increase over time. But your post doesn’t say anything about that, so not sure if that applies or not.
  • I don’t understand the stuff about the vacation house. You use it as a rental when you’re not vacationing in it — so, do you already own it? But you want it to be your first home purchase? I’m confused.
  • I actually told him that I was okay wearing the promise ring he gave me as a temporary engagement ring” — Wait, what? “Promise ring” is a marketing term. The only difference between a “promise ring” and an “engagement ring” is that one comes with an engagement and the other doesn’t. It has NOTHING to do with what the ring costs. If he wants to get engaged and the only ring he can afford is one that’s marketed as a “promise ring” all he has to do to turn it into an engagement ring is say “will you marry me” when he gives it to you. That’s it. A grown-ass man giving a grown-ass woman a “promise ring” and saying “I’ll ask you to marry me when I can afford a more expensive ring” is absolutely 100% stalling. Cute-ish for an 18-year old, LAME for a 20-something. This is further reinforced by the fact that now that he IS in better financial position, he found a way to put himself 3 steps back again.
  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Daisy_Mae. Reason: typo
Post # 54
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I would not, because I did and got totally f–Ed over financially when we broke up. 

Post # 57
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Daisy_Mae:  THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IM CONFUSED ABOUT! Well-stated! 

Post # 58
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

zl27:  this is exactly why I have complete documentation down to the last cent of what each of us will recoup in case of a break up. With a good lawyer, and yes it is still not fool proof. I’m taking a risk, just like people take a risk when they marry someone.

Post # 60
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

eagerbeaver727:  a downpayment for a house is $20k minimum but a simple engagement ring can be like $2k…………. are you seeing my logic here? So if he’s shopping for a house he’s already saved up WAY more than enough money for an engagement ring. He’s been thinking about this house for a long time to have saved up $20k, and he just told you now = he’s been planning on this house and avoiding getting engaged to you as you sat patiently by clueless to the truth.

He could have proposed to you any time in the past year, he had the money for a ring- he could have asked his mother for a family ring, he could’ve checked out a pawn shop, plain band at Walmart $50, anything- but NO, he didn’t propose! This house is his priority, not you! In my opinion he is wasting your time. He doesn’t think you’ll leave if he gets a house, he thinks you’ll cave and he can put off getting married for even longer.

If it were me, I wouldn’t wait until August. I would sit him down and point-blank ask him “Are you planning to propose to me before August, yes or no?” Just because you’re the girl doesn’t mean you have to wait for him to ask or decide on getting engaged- discuss it TODAY! Even if he says yes this house makes me uncomfortable so I would take charge “Thank you but I’m sorry, I really need you to propose to me now instead. I NEED to feel stability in our relationship before this house, and I want us to go shopping today/tomorrow for a simple band to show your commitment.”

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