(Closed) Buying a wedding gift if you are in the wedding?? Proper Etiquette

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What would you do?
    Suck it up and spend $40 to $50 on each gift (x 2--one for shower & one for wedding) : (65 votes)
    44 %
    Buy a lower cost gift (not on registry), just for the shower--skip the wedding gift : (12 votes)
    8 %
    Buy a lower cost gift (not on registry), just for the wedding--skip the shower gift : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Buy two lower cost gifts (not on registry) one for shower, one for wedding : (34 votes)
    23 %
    Skip gifts--being in the wedding is enough! : (15 votes)
    10 %
    Buy a $20 or $30 gift card and call it a day... : (14 votes)
    9 %
    Other (please provide suggestions below): : (6 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    1144 posts
    Bumble bee


    I want to see as well! I’ll be in two weddings this summer so I’m curious too!

    Post # 4
    750 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    How close are you to your cousin? I feel like that would make a big difference in how I’d approach the issue….But without knowing more, I’d probably do a $20-$25 gift card for the shower present and a $40-50 gift for the wedding. 

    Post # 6
    8446 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @bmo88:  I don’t expect any of my wedding party to get us gifts.  Although we didn’t do a shower, and I let my girls wear dresses they already owned, I feel that the travel expense (flying from CA to NC) is enough.  I’d rather have them there than miss out on their presence and have a gift (I told them this when I asked them to be BMs).  Maybe it’s just me, I’m curious as to what other people say though.

    Post # 8
    233 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m interested to see responses to this as well. I’m in a wedding for a friend and will have spent a similar amount of money to you… I’m also a graduate student so money is tight already.

    Post # 9
    7901 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    You should give small gifts. It’s polite. If there is nothing on the registry in the right price point, then you’ll have to choose something on your own. Personally, I’d get her something pampering related for the shower and a gift card or check for a small amount (maybe $25) for the wedding. It’s not the amount that matters, but the gesture.

    ETA: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, if you decide not to gift, at least give a card. It’s really disheartening when someone you love and care about and invite into your wedding party doesn’t make the effort to buy a cheap card or make one.

    Post # 10
    873 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I was once in my cousin’s wedding too and I did not buy her(them) a wedding gift. *gasp* Honestly, I was broke and had also spend a ton of money on bridal party stuff. I didn’t really feel bad at the time because I just didn’t have the money. Thinking back on it now, I feel bad, but oh well.

    I am planning on telling two of my four bridesmaids to NOT by us a wedding gift because I know they are barely getting by.

    You might run into a problem with the bride though. You have to know how your cousin might react. My cousin never mentioned it, but there are some people who would be quick to point out who they didn’t receive gifts from. To be safe, I voted get an inexpensive gift for both. For bridal party, you can get her some cute/fancy panties for example.

    Post # 11
    1227 posts
    Bumble bee

    For me personally, I do not expect our Wedding Party to buy us gifts. Their gifts to us is their time and support.  That said, I’ve ready plenty of complaints from brides because their Wedding Party didn’t buy a gift.

    If it’s something you can discuss with her in advance, I would do that. If you’re not comfortable with that, then probably do something on the lower end of the $$ scale.

    Post # 12
    24 posts

    For the bridal shower, it can be a small inexpensive gift (something $30 or less). But for the wedding, you should get a nicer $50 gift or something a little over $50 that is on their registry. I think considering how much you have shelled out for the other expenses, $80 total for both gifts is appropriate. Do you have any ideas as to what you would maybe get her for each event?

    Post # 13
    8695 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I know I may get negative feedback (my one close friend already slammed me for this!!) but I would skip the gift.


    My friend got married this summer. I spent so much money being in her wedding (she lives almost 2 hours away) that I really didnt have it to buy her a nice gift and I felt a $20,$30,$40 gift just wouldnt mean much.


    I spent over $200 on the clothes to be in it. I spent $300 on her bridal shower cake. I spent a few hundred to give her a decent bachelorette which was the weekend before. My Fiance is in the military and stationed in Seattle so at the same time I was flying back and forth so I gave no official gift. One of my friends swears I was wrong though.


    I will add that for my wedding I am having 6 bridesmaids (including her) and I am going to request that they give me NO gift bc they are already taking on the expense of being in my wedding and they are going with me to Jamaica for my bachelorette.

    Post # 14
    845 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I honestly didn’t realize people got shower AND wedding gifts. In my experience, maybe it’s a regional thing, people give gifts at the shower and bring a wedding gift if they weren’t invited to the shower, which are sometimes more personal, or if they are from out of town. I’m obviously wrong, but it makes me wonder!

    Post # 16
    2515 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    can you go in with someone else on a gift? a few of my friends were on a tight budget and they all went in together to get us a gift. they purchased some of the less expensive items and split the cost between the 5 of them. i think they each put in about $20. i also don’t see a problem with not buying a gift. if you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it. gifts are not required.

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