Post # 17
Personally, I believe this does not suggest a happy marriage or even a happy future together. NOBODY deserves treatment like this. Run, yes run to your family or a trusted friend. Screw the couples counseling, no one deserves to be married to a person capable of such cold, cruel behavior. Get away, then get some counseling for yourself to undo some of the damage from this sick man and MOVE ON to a brighter, happier life.
Post # 18
Why would you want to be his “maid”? That’s ridiculous. Tell him to shape up or ship out!
Post # 19
@sad-bride: This is going to sound incredibly harsh, but the truth hurts. People tell you all the time what they want. The person on the other side, especially women, tend to look for a lot of other reasons/excuses, because the truth hurts.
This man may have loved you at one time, but his feelings have clearly changed. Whether the mother contributed to the change is not really relevant; though I will point out that when you are deeply in love with someone, you’ll go through a whole lot to be with that person, including upsetting family members (to an extent).
As someone who personally kept holding out, and trying to change for someone who was awful to me in the end, I wish you the best. Take care of yourself, and know that there are people out there who are capable of loving someone without hurting them all the time — find one of those people.
Post # 20
There are shelters for abused women. Maybe your workplace has counseling. DO NOT stay simply because you are convinced there is no place else to go. At least you have a job. Any discomfort you experience now is way better than a lifetime of misery!
Post # 21
My heart really hurts for you. It’s a hard feeling to describe to someone who has not been there. It’s like you just CANNOT BELIEVE this is happening. You are in so much SHOCK, to the depths of your soul that the one you love could be so cold and unfeeling towards you. You know you love him. And you thought he loved you. He used to be so caring and loving. But sometimes people are not capable of love, they are only capable of pretending to love. Please talk to someone, anyone, a counselor or pastor or even a co-worker whom you trust. You can’t deal with this all alone. I tried and it was dreadful. Only when I started actually speaking it out loud to others did it finally become real and I realized the truth. And for a counselor to tell me – “He is abusing you. It is wrong and it needs to stop and you need to get out.” In my case, I had married the man and I went through years of hell. Please don’t do that to yourself, if you can help it. I know how charming and wonderful they can pretend to be. Rest assured if he thinks you are trying to get away from him he will do something to pull you back, if he is an abuser. Their main thing is about control. It’s nothing to do with love. Love yourself and get some help. (((HUGS)))
Post # 22
I agree, I think a break for an agreed period of time could be good for both of you, give you some perspective and hopfully make him open up.
Post # 23
He gave you his answer when he said “he checked out”.
He’s obviously gotten cold feet and has basically checked out of the relationship. I would save what pride I have left and just find a cheap apartment somewhere. Give him a few weeks notice and hopefully any compassion he ever had for you will show and he’ll at least help you with a deposit or something.
Post # 24
I am so damaged that I know he is abusing me emotionaly and I just don’t have the guts to say: ” I am done”. I keep thinking that If do things right (cook, clean , be pretty) he will change. But it has been like this for 2 months. I thought about going to the therapist at work but I am afraid to hear the stuff I know already. I am a mess. I just wanted this to work. or at least to be how it was before: Fiance loving and caring.
Post # 25
You have taken a really good first step for yourself by coming to this board to get advice, caring and support. I know how hard it is to try to pick up the pieces of a shattered dream. Try to do at least one small, loving thing for yourself each day until you regain your strength. Take a bubble bath, buy yourself some flowers, read a book. He may never change back but you still have to take care of yourself. Just take a deep breath and realize WHO YOU ARE. Tell yourself you’re a Goddess and there are many men out there who will really love you. Don’t give up. It happened for me. I went through it and came out with a wonderful happy and healthy life. Not all men will hurt you, by any stretch. Disagreements and arguments don’t have to go to a hurtful level in a loving relationship. My Fiance and I rarely argue but when we do it has never come close to any level of abuse, on either of our parts. Because he really loves me. There is someone for you, you won’t be alone forever. But being alone and happy is light years better than being with someone and miserable.
Post # 26
Bless your heart sad-bride.
I’m really sad for you. I know it’s hard, but it doesn’t seem like you’re ever going to get back the man you fell in love with. It truly is better to cut your losses sooner than later. What if you did stay and it continued for many more months or god forbid, you marry him and he stays this way?
How will you teach your children how real grown up relationships work? What kind of loving example will you be able to set? And then what are you going to do in ten to twenty years from now when you wake up at 30/40 something and realize you wasted the best years of your life on someone that really just went through the motions and never could fully love you like you need to be loved when you could have spent that time building a wonderful life with someone worthy?
Post # 27
I know you said you have nowhere to go… but does that really justify settling for someone who is so “checked out” that they think it’s ok to ignore you, use you, and emotionally abuse you?!?! If I were you, I would find somewhere, anywhere, to go. There is no reason you should put up with his abuse. You have to do what is right FOR YOU. Work on getting YOU better, and let everything else fall into place. You deserve to be happy. You are worth it!
Post # 28
I’m so sorry you have to go through this, I really am.
Now, there are 2 different views on this matter:
1st: Yes, from what you have posted this is definitely emotionally and mentally abusive! you just said “I keep thinking that If do things right (cook, clean , be pretty) he will change.” How is that fair for you? Being engaged/married to someone should mean you feel safe, protected, comforted, and most importantly LOVED. Walking around eggshells 24/7 is not a healthy, much less, happy way to live! That goes for him as well! I’m sure acting indifferent and unhappy with you 24/7 isn’t making him feel too good either so why keep it up? Personally, that sounds exhausting. Being engaged and planning a wedding, planning your entire life with this person should be a happy, joyous thing. If this is how he is treating you before you have even said those vows, I hate to say it but that just shows a big reflection of what you should expect once you become husband and wife.
That is definitely something you have to consider and really evaluate if this is where you want to see yourself a year, 2 years, 10 years from now. And deep down really take a look and see if this is the type of environment you want to raise kids in.
If this is just out-of-character behavior for him and he’s just feeling stressed from his mom (although I still don’t see any justification for the way he’s been acting) then I would do what some other Bees have suggested. Take a getaway trip, reconnect… If you do this, don’t bombard him right off the bat with “whats wrong? why are you acting this way ” blah blah Men don’t think like we do and he’ll just shut down. Just reconnect and let this conversation happen naturally. The fact that he proposed, the fact that you said yes, and the fact that both of you have been planning on marriage is great. Saying “I Do” means working through rough patches and not giving up on the one you love. (If this is a rough patch. Like I said, abuse is something different and if this is his true face I would really reconsider).
Post # 29
I’m sorry. It sounds like it would be so much better for you to leave. Can you find a temporary place to go? A woman’s shelter? Can you get a ticket to go back to family?
Post # 30
I am going through a really, really bad depression right now. I am talking- pitch black, cant see the light, everything is horrible depression. My Fiance is just like you. He takes care of me, make sure I wake up in the morning, helps me do basic things, etc. But I’m so far down that it is really, really hard to see the light. And I know that my Fiance is taking the hits for this, especially emotional ones from me.
He may be in the same place. Depression is one that shuts you down, takes you away from the people and things that you love, and makes you a horrible and careless person.
Post # 31
He’s a dick. And you deserve better.
I will echo PPs – staying with friends, going back to family, whatever it takes – its time for you to show him you’re not the doormat he’s taking you for, and walk away.