(Closed) Call it off? Don’t know what to do anymore…

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@ohmybears48:  I just want to say, thank you for such an honest post and also one that brings the perspective from the other side, the one with the issue who is causing their SO pain.  You seem to have a lot of self-awareness to be able to see how you may be hurting your Fiance.  I know depression is a serious illness and my heart goes out to you both.  I’m sure you are not purposefully hurting him.  I have never been clinically depressed, but know someone who has, she is a co-worker, and she described it as pure hell.  I hope you are getting some help, and also hope you get better soon.

Post # 33
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m sorry this has happened to you. If he were to wake up tomorrow and be the man you knew before, would you be happy? Think about your willingness to live your life with someone that has the ability to do this to you, and can do it again at any time. We all go through stressful times in life, and during those times we can all act like jerks toward the ones we love, but please think very hard about marrying anyone who makes you feel this terrible.

Post # 34
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@ohmybears48:  Yeah… that really is something to consider. Personally, I have suffered from depression and still do on occasion. I have experienced the “darkness” as my Fiance likes to put it. I am not myself, I am an ugly, ugly person. I don’t excuse myself for anything and know that I am certainly not easy to be around when I go through these little spells… Thankfully Fiance has stuck by me and pulled me out, even if I’ve been a terrible person. 

Perhaps this is something to consider? Does he have any family history of depression? Is this the first time he has ever acted this way?

Post # 35
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@Sunfire:  Thanks! I just dont want the OP to leave if this is a stage or a part of mental illness that he may need to work to. He isn’t physically abusing her. He is more of emotionally witholding. And when you are in this part of depression, it can be very hard to be honest. He could want to marry her or do more around the house, but because of the depression, not be there fully.

I guess this touched me because last night, my Fiance asked me if I still wanted to get married. I walked out of the room. The real answer is “Yes. 100xs, yes.” But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. 

Post # 36
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

Please take care of yourself!  There is no reason to stay with somebody with whom you feel as if you have to “do all the right things” to make them happy.  They should love you — unconditionally — and show you always.

Abuse is abuse, and the way he is treating you certainly is not the way you deserve to be treated.  Please know this, and know you deserve better!

Post # 38
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Benavis1489:  May I please ask this?  I know next to nothing about depression.  When you are depressed in your darkest stages and feel you are being hurtful to your Fiance, do you then go to him and apologize and explain that it is just your depression talking and that you really do not mean to hurt him?  That may be the difference.  I don’t think OP’s Fiance is saying anything at all, he seems to be shutting her out completely and from what she says he doesn’t seem down, just being cold and cruel.  To me he is behaving abusively but I can relate to that and not to depression.  So that is something for her to consider.  I know there is a vast difference between someone who is hurting and depressed and someone who is an uncaring abuser.  I would stand by my Fiance if he became depressed, no matter what.  But I will never again stand by someone who abuses me, because there is no end to it.  I understand that depression is an emotional as well as physical illness.  Abusiveness is not.  I guess only the OP knows in her heart which issue is going on with him.

Post # 39
Member
2582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

“He has a history of abuse from his alcoholic father, however I can’t even think about mentioning therapy to him because I have done it in the past and it turned out ugly.”

If he is not even able to acknowledge his issues, there is NO chance of things getting better.  And if he isn’t even able to handle a discussion about therapy, he isn’t going to be able to handle being a husband.

You can’t fix him and theres no reason he should drag you down with him.

Post # 40
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@ohmybears48:  I understand!  I hope you can express your love to him.  Maybe try to write it to him if you can’t express it verbally.  I wish you all the best.

Post # 41
Member
2582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Sunfire:  Yes, that, and being diagnosed with depression and/or admitting that you are depressed indicates a certain level of self awareness and accountability – which OP’s Fiance seems to not be doing at all.

I have several friends with severe depression and bipolar disorder who have gone through some rough times but managed to not be cruel to their significant others! Or – will have their moments but apologize the next day or say something along the lines of “that was my depression talking – you know I dont really feel that way”.

Post # 42
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@mandypop:  Yep, that is exactly what I meant.

Post # 43
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m sorry, but I agree with most others here. He is emotionally abusive and it is only going to get worse. Seriously, start researching verbal and emotional abuse and I’m willing to bet it will be a real eye-opener. Once you agreed to marry him he felt he had the control over you he wanted and he is letting his true colors show. Whether he’s depressed or not, you are not doing him any favors by letting him be abusive to you. Whether you leave outright or insist on therapy, now is the time to show him that you will not let him treat you this way. He will continue to treat you this way as long as you let him.

No matter what I would get into therapy yourself- you sound like you are dealing with issues of codependency (believe me, I’ve been there!) and it can really help you see things clearly.

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