Post # 1
My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, and we got engaged June of 2012. We are very in love, and the last 4 years have been amazing. Our relationship is healthy, supportive and the love between us is undeniable. We are really each other’s half. Unfortunately, my fiance’s family, especially his mom, does not care for me. They did not approve when we moved in together because it was before we were married, and over the years they have gone out of their way to make me feel unwelcome. I have enored rude comments (after we got engaged, first thing fiance’s mom said to me was “I wish he wasn’t so impulsive”); and I’m excluded from plans often. Anything I say or do is wrong, and anything I don’t say or do is wrong. My fiance always comes to my defense and he is distraught his family acts this way. We decided together that we would endure this together because we live far away, and we hope things will get better down the road. Since we’ve gotten engaged things have gotten out of control though. I have asked my fiance’s sister to be in our wedding, and I let her know how much it means to us that his family will be part of the wedding. She then got engaged soon after we did, and my fiance and I could not be happier for her. She is having 12 bridesmaids, but will not be asking me. My fiance is extremely hurt especially because he sees his sister’s fiance as a future brother, and wants him to feel welcome. He spoke with his mom and she explained that I am not yet family, and you can not force his sister to see me as family. I don’t care that I am not in her wedding, but it feels symbolic of so much more. On the other hand, my family loves my fiance, and is helping us plan our wedding. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, but the constant feeling of rejection and the idea that my fiance will always have a strained relationship with his family is weighing heavy on me. I’m not sure what to do?
Post # 3
It really shouldn’t matter what your in-laws think of you, you are living with your husband-to-be not them! I would stay civil and polite but I would be wary of getting close to any of them.
Your Fiance should be the one talking with them about how much they hurt you and him by their “excluding” behavior.
Post # 4
Elope. Forget the stress of the wedding or the “she isn’t yet family” excuse and elope. The famiy will not approve, but they don’t approve anyhow.
Post # 5
Yikes, what a mess. I really don’t have any good advice other than be patient. My friend went through something similar 2 years ago. Her FI’s mother was a total bitch to her and made life miserable. Now that she and her Darling Husband are expecting a baby, the in laws have completely changed their tune and are thrilled. They can’t get enough of her now. Keep your head high and don’t succumb to your FI’s mothers immaturity. You’ll get through this.
Post # 6
First of all, why on earth would you call off the wedding because the in-laws don’t like you? Welcome to how the majority of us feel about our inlaws! Secondly, its not at all inappropriate that you were not asked to be in the wedding. The hard truth is they don’t see you as family…yet. That can change once you’re married. Most of the time when in-laws finally accept that it’s serious (which can take some time), they do change their tune because they don’t want to lose out on being a part of their son’s life. What’s important is that your Fiance is standing by your side. THAT’S what matters. It was appropriate for you to ask his sister to stand up. There shouldn’t be the expectation that you stand up in her’s. That’s setting you and your Fiance up for disappointment. Please, don’t call off your wedding for such a ridiculous thing as in-laws not liking you. Seriously, welcome to the club! 🙂
Post # 7
honestly get married, but just elope. You will regret trying to plan a big wedding and have everyone be happy for you. Screw em!
Post # 8
Well usually the bride can opt to have their FI’s sister as a bridesmaid. But that doesn’t imply the other way around. You are not a blood relative where his sister is. Make sense?
Post # 9
I’m going to be blunt. If you’re honestly thinking of calling off the wedding, I would sit back and take a good, hard look at what you’re getting yourself into. I would go talk to a counselor or therapist about his family. You are, after all, marrying his family. If you’re just ranting, then of course, rant away. But the second a serious question as to whether or not you want to marry this man pops into your head, you need to reevaluate. Marriage isn’t a maybe. It is a lifetime committment and not something to be wishy-washy about, no matter the circumstances.
Post # 10
This is about more than weddings. They’re not treating you very well. I would keep being as polite as possible to them and your fiance will realize that it’s them forcing him to choose sides, not you. That means he will pick you in the end. Just don’t blow up at them whatever you do, or you will become the bad guy.
Post # 11
Well it’s not just that they don’t like me. They do not think I am good enough, and they are extremely welcoming and kind to his sister’s new fiance who has been in the picture for a year. For example, when we went to a wedding, there was only enough room for the family +1 more, my fiance’s mom leaned over and said, “why don’t you go find an open seat.” and then said the sister’s boyfriend was to sit in their row. They are cruel to me, and have told us they will not be inviting people to our wedding. When he asks why, he is told his mother does not want to ask people to come to two weddings that are only a month apart. Also, the bridesmaid situation may not be a big deal, but given the circumstances it is completely inappropriate to me to have 12 bridesmaids and not ask a person who has been in your life for 4 years and in less than one month will be your sister in law and future aunt to your children. I come from a warm and loving family, and I want to continue to be surrounded with love. I’m not sure I am prepared or strong enough to handle their wrath. And seeing the toll it takes on my fiance makes me feel like he would be better off in the long wrong if I just wasn’t around.
Post # 12
And I’m not really caught up on rules about who is supposed to be in whose weddings. You include people that are important to you, and it sends a hurtful and forceful message that I am not seen that way. It’s everything added up together. His mother has gone as far to ask us not to send save the dates because they would go out before his sister’s wedding occurs.
Post # 13
@Caro12: I posted this over in the family board too…
Are you seriously considering calling off the wedding because of your MIL? That’s plain silly!
Here’s the deal… do NOT expect things to “get better down the road.” Chances are it won’t and all your doing is setting yourselves up for perpetual disappointment. Adjust your expecations of these people. You know your damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So stop trying. If you don’t lower your expecations, you are doing yourself a disservice.
Regarding your Future Sister-In-Law… there is no rule out there that says bridal party participation MUST be reciprocated. You say her not asking you is “symbolic of so much more”? What do you mean by that? If you mean that she is also not nice to you and is purposely snubbing you, then no offense… but the onus is on you. If she’s a jerk you should not have asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I feel like more often than not, issues with ILs really boils down to problems with how we (the future DILs/SILs) choose to deal with it. You will not fix them, nor is it your responsibility to make them see the error of their ways. They are the way the are, and you are not going to change that. Ever. Once you start realizing that, and truly accepting it, YOU will be much happier. Trust me. They are not responsible for your happiness, YOU ARE! So nut up, plan your wedding, marry the man of your dreams, and start a family with him!
Post # 14
@Caro12: I’m not sure I am prepared or strong enough to handle their wrath. And seeing the toll it takes on my fiance makes me feel like he would be better off in the long wrong if I just wasn’t around.
You love him but are willing to end your relationship because of his family? That’s ridiculous and a bit over-dramatic. I know my ILs would have rather my husband wind up with someone else (at least his Mom and Aunt, perhaps his grandparents). I don’t care. He chose me. That’s all that matters. If you repeat what you said above to him, you are putting him in an awful position and essentially forcing him to choose between you and his parents. They might be crappy people, but I don’t think anything they’ve done, at least from what you have described, warrants him ending their relationship. You are creating more problems and you are responsible for that alone.
I have to ask, how old are you?
Post # 15
@Caro12: Our relationship is healthy, supportive and the love between us is undeniable.
Really? There is a big disconnect between that statement and threatening to end your relationship…
Post # 16
I can’t think of a nice way to say this. F Them.
As long as you have the love and support of your Fiance then really that’s what matters. It would be lovely if they changed their tune. They very well may do so when they realize this is happening and that there’s nothing they can do about it. In the meantime focus on you, your fiance and your family. Sounds like he could use the love and support of a good family.