- 9 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
I am new to posting but have enjoyed the links and advice here at Weddingbee for a few months now. I was hoping for some feedback, or advice, or maybe I just want to purge.
I am in my 40’s, divorced with an 8yo Dear Daughter. I am in a loving and happy relationship with the man I was engaged to post-college. We reunited shortly after my separation and have now been together for 2 1/2 years. I feel amazingly blessed to have rediscovered this lost love, and that the three of us have fit together so well.
It was always understood that once my divorce was final, we would marry. I’m not super-traditional, but I very much want to marry this man and have for 20+ years. I also have my Dear Daughter to consider and don’t want to “shack up” indefinitely even though we do currently live together.
So I was touched and surprised when, the night my divorce was final, he knelt and proposed to me! It was romantic and lovely but for one thing: there was no ring. He said he didn’t know what I would want in a ring and didn’t want to just guess. I was a bit disappointed, but tried to be a good sport and so my Dear Daughter and I found pics of rings we liked online and printed them up in a collage. That way he could have an idea of the metal, cut, and settings I liked.
Well, fast forward 5 months and still no ring. He announced our engagement to his entire family (he never married, but was in a 15-year relationship) and I told a few friends and family. I was hesitant to make a big deal without a ring, because that is everyone’s first question: “Can I see your ring?”. I didn’t really feel engaged. So, once Christmas and New Year’s passed with still no ring, I told him I was disappointed and embarassed. His own family seemed surprised I wasn’t sporting a ring on our holiday visit. He said he wanted to get me the ring for Christmas, but got overwhelmed trying to shop for one, and would I consider shopping with him?
I know some women don’t mind this, but I honestly did NOT want to shop for my own ring. However, I am an adult and this isn’t my first time down the aisle, so I agreed and tried to suck up my hurt feelings. HOWEVER, after a couple of weeks of browsing online and waiting to go shopping, I was the only one who seemed interested in my ring. Finally after I emailed him a link to a ring I really loved, it just hit me that this was NOT how I wanted to remember my engagement. I did not want to look at the ring on my hand for the rest of my life and remember he only bought it after I shopped for it myself and emailed him the link-YECH.
So I sat him down and told him the engagement was off. I told him 5 months was plenty of time and if marriage was something he really wanted, he would have all his ducks in a row. Since he didn’t, it told me his heart wasn’t in it. I said I didn’t want to enter into a marriage that only one of us wanted. I also told him I wasn’t ending the relationship, and I still loved him, but starting married life in that way seemed shabby and sad.
My BFF said I was nuts. That I should just pick out a huge rock and plan the wedding and all he has to do is show up. But I don’t want a life of feeling my marriage is less than lovely. My SO (can’t say FH) said he was sorry he hurt me and he realizes how tacky it was to make me shop alone for the ring and he wants to try again and do things ‘right’.
But is he doing this just for me? Shouldn’t it be what we BOTH want? Or does that even matter? Should I be grateful he wants to make me happy? Is my BFF right and I should just lead him on a leash? Ugh. Any feedback appreciated. I’m in a funk. And I’m too old to settle for less than wonderful.