(Closed) Called off engagement and regretting it…….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Celadawn:

What could he do (still being him) that would change the way you feel at this point?

It seems there is something about expectations here: the expectations you were both bringing to the relationship. I’ve never seen the movie, but there is a commercial for it on t.v. all the time- Jennifer Aniston says “I want you to want to do the dishes!” to which Vince Vaughn replies, “Why would i want to do the dishes?”
Obviously your engagement and marriage is different than doing the dishes, but it does come down to expectations. I wonder if it was clear to him what the significance of the ring was (until you told him)?

Also, spend some time thinking about what marriage means to you. Try to remove yourself from all the cultural messages we get about marriage, and think about why you want to marry this person. Not have a wedding with, but marry. Maybe read some over at: apracticalwedding.com
Because the expectations you have may not even be your own- they may be cultural messages you’ve been getting. Of course, if you decide that the ring, and him getting you the ring by himself, remains an important part of what marriage means to YOU, then you either need to explain that to him or carry on with the choice you have made.

Post # 4
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

If he is offering to make things right I think he’s being genuine.  Especially since his family and a few close friends are aware of his intentions.

 

Side note, after about 8 months of browsing, internet, and stores – I ultimtely designed my own right with Fiance at a jeweler.  Was it unromantic?  Hmm, not as bad as you may think.  It was exciting to have something cast that was unique and what I had wanted.  I love my ring, and in hindsight all of the sadness I had about being the one to look, research, and choose it was not a reflection of our relationship at all.

Post # 5
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I completey understand where you are coming from. My engagement went something like that. I had to pick out my own ring. I was annoyed at first, but now I am really happy about it. I have a feeling he would have chosen something I would have hated. I would either have had to to wear an ugly ring forever, or I would have had to hurt his feelings and pick out one I liked anyway.

I know it is a bit disappointing, but try to find the brighter side. You get to pick a ring that you love and want to wear for your whole life. It takes some time to get over the fact that your engagement wasn’t like you had always imagined, but in the long run, you have a man that you love, and loves you… go pick out your ring!

Post # 6
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I can understand your feelings and can see myself possibly doing the same.

However, as PP mentioned, he cant read your mind so tell him exactly what needs to be done to rectify the situation even if its “pick out a ring and plan a romantic day and re-propose to me”.  Its not the white knight in shining armour type thing, but its great and will show he wants to do this for you and be with you, not because you told him to. 

A ring is a lot of money and marriage is a commitment, I dont think he would do any of this just because you told him to and he didnt really want everything. He probably just didnt realize how important the proposal was to girls.

I didnt have to pick out my diamond (but I did my setting) and I was a little dissapointed.  I also knew exactly when it was coming, etc.  There was no suprise element and I am still disaponted, but then I remember the effort he put into the proposal and how much he does love me and that helps.

Post # 7
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I think you need to sit him down and tell him what is important to you. To me, it sounds like he just doesn’t get it but would likely be receptive to your wants if you told him straight up what you wanted him to do. Don’t be passive-aggressive–he can’t read your mind and may not realize why these things are important to you. You’ve got to tell him!

 

Post # 8
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

To be totally honest I think you maybe over-reacted. It sounds to me like you are saying: If he doesn’t want to go pick out a ring for me and doesn’t understand why a ring is important then he does not want to be married to me and won’t be a good husband. 

Does that logic make sense to you? 

A ring is a THING. It has nothing to do with your relationship. Especially because it seems that the main deterrent to him picking out a ring was that he wanted you to have exactly what you wanted. 

If you told him that HIM picking out the ring was important to you as a romantic gesture (and told him this in no uncertain terms because guys are dense) and he failed… well, he screwed up. But is that screw up worth calling off the engagement for? I do understand what you’re saying in that you don’t want to settle, but I personally feel like you’re putting a little too much emphasis on the fairytale “story” of the engagement and not focusing on the positive which is that this awesome person came back into your life, proposed as soon as he possibly could, and wants to make a life with you and your daughter! 

Post # 9
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@CorgiTales: I dont think her problem with the situation is the “thing” but the actions around the ring that tell her he doesnt care as much as she does.  The “actions speak louder than words” type thing whether true or not on his part.

“I told him 5 months was plenty of time and if marriage was something he really wanted, he would have all his ducks in a row.  Since he didn’t, it told me his heart wasn’t in it.”

At least that is how I interpreted it.

Post # 10
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Sweetie- I think you are getting caught up in the hype.  The ring is a symbol- but so is his dedication, his committment, his time, his support.  Are you content with all that? then either tell him ” we are going ring sjhopping this weekend” or dont worry about it. They dont know whats important too us. And as Mountain Man is always saying ” I love you but I cant read your mind”

As a midstride bride- I think we are stuck in the middle of a lot of rituals.  We want the experiences all the 20 somethings post about, but we have reality- bills, issues, baggage, responsibilities. The fairy tale isnt that easy to keep alive.

Do you feel you are partners in life, not just romantic bf/gf? Thats what is important.

The other stuff- is fluff.  I know I get caught up in it… to the point of fixating on a dress, that I really dont need, a destination wedding that only works if we make it a family reunion too, and a ring- I paid for myself because I wanted it. He paid the mortage that month instead.

Feel free to PM me to vent because I totatlly get it.

 

Post # 11
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@lefeymw: but the “ducks” were just the ring, unless I misread? He asked her to help, she gave him a collage. He didn’t get the ring and asked her to go with him, she agreed. She didn’t like his attitude about shopping, so she broke up the engagement. All of the hurt feelings seem directed squarely at the ring– not at any other aspect of their relationship or future life together. I’m not saying that it was right for him to fumble this– in an ideal world he would’ve picked the ring before he proposed or before Christmas at least. I just feel like a ring is a pretty minor thing to break up an engagement over if that is the only thing wrong with the relationship (and it seems from what she said that he is wonderful other than this one thing.) 

Post # 12
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree that a ring is just a thing. And I also think you may have overreacted about the process of getting the ring. Have you started planning the wedding yet? Do you feel like maybe he doesn’t really want to get married? That would be a different issue.

Many women would prefer to pick out their own rings, so it isn’t such a negative thing.

Post # 13
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@CorgiTales: I agree that OP shouldnt have start ring shopping if she was just going to stop and hold it against him and break the engagement off, but the hurt feelings developed in the 5 months he said he was going to pick a ring out so she could show the world she is committed.

However I still feel it is not just about the ring. Its just the object that the actions are centered around. If he promised for 5 months to start helping around the house and doing the dishes every night, but then each night the dishes didnt get done, its not “just about the dishes”, its about someone not doing what they said and after a conversation (or few?) still not doing it.

 

Post # 14
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@lefeymw: again, my guess is that he just DOESN’T GET IT. it’s important to her, but just making a collage doesn’t necessarily mean he “gets how important it is to her”. if she flat out tells him why it’s important to her and he still doesn’t get it, then there’s abitger oribken that needs to be addressed.

i’m all about letting a guy know exactly what you want. they aren’t mindreaders, and not all men are ‘in tune’ with what a woman is actually saying if you don’t tell him directly.

Post # 15
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I don’t think this is just about the ring or the fact that he was inattentive.  Because, if you have a great guy who loves you and is amazing, would anyone let him go over a ring?

Post # 16
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Not once did the OP say anything about what kind of ring–just that she wanted one to display their committment to each other.  I don’t think that’s a lot to ask, and with 5 months going by…that just sounds…lazy.  I can see why you’re upset!

I do think that him not buying you a ring = he isn’t invested in marriage.  That’s a bit of a leap.

Sounds like you’re evaluating the emotional aspects of it, and he’s being a dude and his practical reaction to your breakdown is typical.

You said this guy has never been married, so maybe he just truly has no clue what the hell he is doing, and I know you don’t want to help.  But you need to give in here somewhere.  If going shopping with him or sending him a link is going to push him further along, so be it!  Send him the link and focus all of the lovey dovey stuff on the wedding, because this fight is SO not worth it if ya’ll are happy.

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