(Closed) Called off engagement and regretting it…….

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@BanditGirl: That’s what I’m thinking.  I’m so confused that anyone would call it off just because they had to pick out their own ring.  I was THRILLED to pick out my own.  I’m weird though.

OP I understand that you feel like this is the second time and last time, and it should be 100% perfect, but I guess I feel that someone who feels they’re “old enough to know” should know that isn’t realistic.  Most people don’t get that fairytale surprise proposal and perfect ring at a romantic dinner or however it’s done in movies.  I think it’s better when a proposal reflects the couple, and I think it’s awesome that he wants you to pick a ring you’ll love, rather than be disappointed in if he chooses wrong.  He’s already admitted he doesn’t know what he’s doing when it comes to that.  I agree with buckeye up there, tell him exactly how you feel and then go from there.  I also agree with your friend though, pick out the awesomest ring you can find for yourself and be happy that you finally get to marry the one you love!

Post # 18
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

It seems very silly to me to call of an engagement because there was no ring. Just pick one out and be happy with the man you love! He just seems confused about the whole ring situation. Every day there are women on here complaining about their SO buying them the wrong ring, why not take the opportunity to choose a ring you love? You don’t actually have to go to the store with him to buy it. 

Post # 19
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We were engaged since June of 2009 and I didn’t get the ring till this christmas. I know how you feel but I don’t think I will call of my engagement because of him not moving fast enough to get the ring. Was I annoyed with my Fiance yes but I found out what was taking him such a long time was because he wanted my input. So yes I went with him and now I have the perfect ring that cost less than half of what he was planning on spending. Win Win Win.

Post # 20
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

You wrote a long post, but the take home message to me was: you’ve wanted to marry this man for 20+ years, but you called off the engagement in 5 months because he didn’t surprise you with a ring. 

I would give him another chance.

Post # 21
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Is this really all that is bothering you?  Are you sure you aren’t trying to find excuses for breaking off the engagement?  This seems so minor…

Post # 22
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Can I be nosy and ask for a little more info on your past with your SO? You mentioned that you had been engaged to him right after college, but apparently the engagement was broken. Is that what this is about? Did your SO break off the relationship and so you are really examining him this time around to see if he is serious? What was the ring situation with your first engagement to this man–did he do it “right” in your opinion, or are you holding on to a disappointment in the ring from the first time around?

Total speculation on my part, but I am curious if your first engagement to this man that didn’t result in marriage is playing a role in how you feel now.

Post # 24
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

From what you said, this is a man you’ve always wanted to marry and against all odds, have found each other once again and in love! Wow! You also have a daughter and all three of you get along and he even proposed to you as soon as your marriage was finalized. Double-wow! 

I think you need to step away from all the wedding planning and take some time to look at your relationship — because it sounds wonderful! Really, it’s like one of those sweet romances you can only hear about in books or movies. You should not “settle for less” but people try to achieve the relationship you already have and you’re focusing on a single-day of it.

A wedding is a wonderful and memorable day to cherish but it’s just a start of your life together, you will have many, many more wonderful days ahead! Please keep that in mind before ending it all because he didn’t “get it” in time.

Post # 26
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Is there a reason that you couldn’t pick a date/start planning without a ring? Or are you just not comfortable doing that?

Also, has there been ANY indication from him that he is doing this “just to make you happy” other than the ring situation? Has he suggested a long engagement or been squirrely about talking about details or dates? 

 

Post # 27
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I still think you jumped the gun on breaking off the engagement. I can understand why your feelings would be hurt and that he didn’t seem interested in the ring shopping. I think for some people, the ring “symbol” isn’t as big deal as the marriage itself.

Like you’ve said, he wants your input because he doesn’t want to get it wrong and you don’t want to do it because you have your feelings about how you want him to propose. He did propse to you and it was “romantic and lovely.” He has told his family. So, basically, you are at an impasse because you guys can’t meet on your feelings.

What makes his feelings about wanting you to pick it out any less valid or important than your feelings for wanting him to pick it out? You want him to be excited about something that he’s just may not be. That doesn’t mean that he’s not excited to marry you, or that you’ve pushed him into proposing.Do you really feel like you have pushed him to propose? If so, what makes you feel that way?

You found a ring that you love and even though it may not be exactly how you would have wanted to get it, the ring is still a symbol of your love and commitment to one another. It doesn’t make the proposal you got any less special or any less full of love and good intentions because you picked it out yourself. And, it’s much better than getting a ring that you find unpleasing and wearing that forever.

And if you both plan to get married, I don’t see why you have to wait to start planning. Who cares what anyone else thinks about you not having a ring yet, or when you’re date will be?

Could it be that maybe you’re projecting some of your fears about getting remarried into this ring issue?

Post # 28
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@Celadawn:

At this point what about going shopping, actually showing him in person some that you like, and maybe then he can feel more confident in picking one you like.  IDK-I didn’t get one until we had 2 kids, because we were so poor when we got married, we didn’t even have furniture.  We just decided one day that we wanted to get married and just started making wedding plans.  He surprised me one Christmas when he used his entire Christmas bonus to buy me the ring.-I didn’t even know he got the bonus. It is your love and commitment to each other that counts.  We’ve been married 28 years. 🙂

Post # 29
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Celadawn: I would think, if you don’t accept his apology and offer to make it right, then maybe YOUR heart isn’t really in it. Which is fine, but you need to do some soul searching and come clean to him if that’s the case.

It’s not that I’m not sympathetic. I am–I’d have been pissed if I hadn’t at least gotten an Avon CZ from him as a token of  engagement. But I do think it’d be ill-advised to drive this wedge into a relationship that seems otherwise perfect. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care about marrying you. I think it’s more that he doesn’t care about jewelry. Which, honestly, puts him in the vast majority of men. It’s not the Hollywood version, but it’s true. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

Post # 30
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I honestly think this is one of those men are from mars women are from venus things. I think most men aren’t really into the ring thing, and just do it to make us happy. Although i do want my ring, and can’t wait t get it – I really feel its more of a materialistic thing than a symbol. I mean come on we all know how much these things cost! Go get ure ring girl, and be happy! The man you love loves you and wants to marry you! He said so himself on one knee! The ring is just jewelry!

Post # 31
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you really need to take a minute to look at why you’d call off a wedding over an engagement ring.  Are there other problems you’re worried about? Are you actually ready to get married again? Are you afraid you’re going to get hurt again?

Think about it and really do some introspection before making another decision.

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