Wow, ladies-thanks for all the input. You made so many good points.
It isn’t about the ring as a “thing”, but the fact that each time he asked for help, I obliged, only to have him still not move.
And it may sound shallow, but it IS hard to keep defending him and our engagement when well-meaning friends constantly ask about the date, our plans and the ring. I mean, if even I didn’t feel like the proposal was legit, how can I expect anyone else to? Even his sister seem stumped when she asked about our date and he froze like a deer in headlights. It was mortifying.
Of course I want to show off my ring and share our plans and my dress and all the fun stuff with our friends and family! I know this is not the thing that binds two people together, but I do think if you’re gonna do it, you should do it right and both people should want it.
My feelings WERE hurt. I know many think I should just settle for picking out my own ring and hush. But although I know many women who prefer this, I so, so, so never wanted to do that. I also never pick out my own birthday gifts. I just never have felt comfortable about that. I didn’t expect a skywriting proposal in a hot air balloon with an 8 carat honking ring and a string quartet. Just a little enthusiasm or preparation. It’s not his fault, tho-it’s the same thing as me not wanting to shop for my own ring. It’s hard to be enthusiastic when you don’t want to do it.
I just don’t want to rope this poor guy into marrying me when he really only wants it to make me happy. I can’t think of a worse reason to marry someone. I would rather keep things as they are, which is pretty darn great, than risk resentment or regret ruining what we have.
I’m pretty easy-going for the most part and am able to pick my battles and not sweat the stuff that really doesn’t matter. This was just something I couldn’t compromise on, but I can’t let go of dreaming about a wedding and marrying this wonderful man. I know it will take time to just accept that I can’t have everything, but right now I feel a HUGE sense of loss over this. But I still think loss is better than having regrets over settling for “eh, kinda okay”.
It really feels good to share this with all of you. It is WAAAYY less embarassing than talking to IRL friends who, By The Way, don’t know yet. Thank you so much!