(Closed) Called off engagement and regretting it…….

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think it is very considerate of your SO to allow you to choose your dream ring. I went through the same thing, where my now-fiance purchased and returned several rings before realizing that he could never be 100% certian of picking the perfect ring for me, so he just left the decison up to me. I spent some time doing research and trying on dozens of rings before settling on “the one.” Then he dicretely purchased it (when I wasn’t around) and planned a romantic getaway to do the formal “proposal.” It wasn’t a surprise, obviously, but it was every bit as romantic for us, and we have zero regrets about “orchestrating” the engagment together. You guys can do something like that too, where you kind of know what ring you’re getting, but you don’t know exactly WHEN and HOW he will give it to you. It’s also an excuse for a mini-vacay! Just make sure to tell him that you still want a formal proposal after he purchases your dream ring.

Personally, I MUCH prefered this method, rather than settling for a less than ideal ring, or asking him to exchange it afterwards.

Post # 33
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2001

Prior to getting engaged, my fiance and I had discussed marriage etc. One thing he said was ‘please choose your own engagement ring because I don’t understand rings’…I thought this was the most unromantic thing ever. The notion of choosing my own ring just seemed so….so….blah…for lack of better terminology.

In any case, he ended up buying the ring(once he saw my dumbfounded and horrified expression)…and I hate it. I love him, but the ring JUST is everything I did NOT want in a ring….

Perhaps he wanted to do you a favour?

Post # 34
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I kinda skimmed to the end, so I’m sorry if I’m just repeating what’s already been said here.  I get that him not showing the follow through by picking out, and/or purchasing a symbol of their committment and egnagement is hurtful.  Especially if he’s just planning on “showing up” to the wedding.   I think this is a case of two people not meeting each other’s expectations or understanding what was expected in the first place.

It looks like many guys don’t understand the point of the ring – some see it as a way to make them spend a lot of money on the (greedy) woman who obesses about carat size and calrity, some see it as their chance for an awesome surprise, a cahnce to pass on a treasured heirloom, but some don’t see it as being needed at all.

The ring is the “signing of the contract” of engagement.  In many, may ways, the important thing is that he asked you AND annouce it.  BUT – You wouldn’t commit to buying a car or a house unless all the proper steps had been taken – why would you commit your life to someone with any less?  If money was tight, if the prospective bride had expensive tastes or was hard to please, I can see how a guy can be afraid to buy a ring without any input.  BUT, once input has been given, and it’s been made clear that a ring is the usual gift of engagement (with his family asking as well as others, making YOU feel awkward), he should have put something into motion and picked a CZ ring if nothing else for you to be comfortable fielding wedding quesions.

In his defense, OP, is your SO a very romantic guy?  Does he know what your “dishes” are?  (Mine literally ARE dishes – bleh).  How does he do for holidays and birthdays when surprising you or gift giving?  If he’s had problems in the past, leaving you with a frozen smile, “Gee – thanks for the vacuum – it’s just GREAT!”, this is just him being… well… him. 

Maybe he doesn’t understand the symbolism of the ring, and how it makes people judge HIM badly when speaking to you, because like it or not, a ring is epected by most in a proposal – we still live IN society, even if we don’t agree with all of its rules, people will still judge us by them.

I think this might just be a cse of the “absent-minded man syndrome” and he either has a lot of anxiety about the purchase or it simply doesn’t register for him.  Maybe instead of picking out a ring for just YOU, you should shop together for a set of wedding rings (with an engagement ring in the set).  Heck, you could even offer to pay for his ring as part of the experience.  If he does this, it should show that a marraige is in the works, not just empty words.  Then, go on with planning the wedding.  Maybe he can make amends by Valentines 🙂  Hope things get better.

Post # 35
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You’re in  your 40’s? You should know better than to act this way. The poor man!

Post # 36
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@sonj818:  I think part of the problem here is (without knowing the OPs history) that not being able to follow through with this request makes it look like he won’t follow through with others, or be dependable. 

Post # 38
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

My SO (can’t say FH) said he was sorry he hurt me and he realizes how tacky it was to make me shop alone for the ring and he wants to try again and do things ‘right’. But is he doing this just for me?

of course he is doing it just for you – he obviously doesnt value the purchasing of the ring as much as you do but doesnt mean he doesnt love you.   you mentioned he was in a 15yr relationship before you – maybe that person had no care factor for rings and marriage and your boyfriend thinks thats the norm

 

 

Post # 42
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Back on point — maybe what’s being missed here or understated is that OP is worried that her guy really isn’t ready.  Maybe she’s hanging her engagement break on the ring but deep down knows it isn’t about that, much.  I mean, what was he doing with a lady for 15 years without marriage anyhow? C’mon! And, if I understood her right, has he not mentioned the calling off of the engagement since it happened, and did she say that he seemed relieved? She can either determine now that she has enough information to go on – that he is not ready for marriage now (may never be) or that he simply fumbled the ball in which case you’ve all given lots of sound advice here.  If she thinks he just needs a nudge because everything else between them is so good, then she could try taking him at his word, drop the whole pomp and circumstance thing of the perfect proposal and engagement, and go shopping and get that part over with – no muss no fuss!

Post # 43
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Thanks for updating and providing more background info on the situation. I would say, given his reluctance in the wedding planning department, plus his history of a very long relationship without marriage (15 years), that you may be right that he doesn’t want to get married, even if he loves you and your daughter very much. You have pretty much given him an out, and you say he seems relieved and hasn’t talked about it much.

So, it seems all that is left to figure out is whether you want to stay with him if he has no idea if he’ll ever want to get married. And that may be even tougher than your original question.

Post # 44
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Um.  I’m sorry.  I missed your background piece on the previous page so I’m afraid what I just said before may not be relevant.  But I confess, I’m a little confused here.  Maybe you are too. 

@Phantom – if he’s leaving her with trying to figure it all out – that seems a bit mean, doesn’t it? I mean, he’s counting on her not leaving him and putting up with his commitment phobia (cliche, I know, but if the shoe fits…)

This is very familiar territory to this guy.  After all, he managed to string along another gal for 15 years.  He must think he’s charming and fabulous enough to do that to a woman and he’s counting on the fact that he’s reunited with another, after many years, willing to let him do it again. Sorry, but I still can’t get over that, can’t get over that somewhere in those 15 years may have been her best childbearing years or whatever – and she spent them in this kind of frozen indecision (or not; what do I really know). 

But I think a very serious talk is in order, and I’m not at all sure that it’s fair for the ball to be solely in the OPs court here.  The couple should really assess this out loud and together.  I personally think the OP may be burying her true feelings of wanting to be married to this man.  She talks already about resentment creeping in.  If you don’t mind my saying — oh, it’ll creep in alright, big time.

Post # 46
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@NatDawn: It takes some time to get over the fact that your engagement wasn’t like you had always imagined, but in the long run, you have a man that you love, and loves you…

VERY well said. *appalause*

I did not have a super romantic engagement either. Wait, the proposal itself was super romantic, however what led up to it was a whole bunch of ugliness and resentful feelings, etc. But at the end of the day, I am with whom I love DEARLY and he loves me just the same. I love the way my Fiance loves me.

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