- 3 years ago
Coming here because I feel lost and confused and feel like I made a big mistake.
I had been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We were long distance for 4 of those years but both from the same hometown so we knew eventually we could live in the same place. He was a wonderful guy with a great family. I sometimes got bored with him because our personalities were so different but I think I almost sometimes have an issue with not being happy with what is right in front of me – I always want more. He was always there for me and truly my best friend. Sometimes the spark wasn’t there but we hadn’t really had time to be in the same place and enjoy dating. We were looking forward to that. I danced for an NBA team last year and it had always been a dream of mine. I enjoyed it but I felt like it was time to move on. I told him in January of last year that I think we could talk about getting engaged. He got his dream job in our hometown and we talked about me moving back home and everything being great. I tend to have a bad habit of putting others needs and wants over my own. After I mentioned an engagement I hadn’t really had the chance to talk to my mom that I was thinking about getting engaged. My mom and I are very close. During this time also, my parents are going through a rough separation and a divorce. Fast forward a month later, he proposed. In the moment I was happy but then we went to the celebration afterwards and I noticed my dad wasn’t there. It was all of his friends and family and just my sister, her boyfriend and my mom. I immediately asked where my dad was. He assumed that my mom would invite my dad but that was something that wasn’t talked about. I was very hurt and upset that my dad wasn’t there to share that moment with us. I found out later that my mom wasn’t really asked or talked to about the engagement by him and that hurt her feelings as well. I had all those feelings going into it and I started to wonder if I really wanted to give up dancing and everything for my fiancé and his dreams. Of course I would be closer to family and him but I was having a tough time. We began looking at venues and I even tried on dresses but I had a rough time and couldn’t get excited. I’m not sure if it was because of my family’s issues or what. Fast forward a few months later, my sister, mom and I went on a cruise and a guy did a romantic gesture for me and was very cute. I didn’t pursue anything with him because I was engaged but I was confused why I was interested in someone else while being engaged. I took a picture with the guy on our last day on the boat but that was the extent of everything. After getting off the cruise I couldn’t stop thinking of this guy and how I may have missed out. I went on a venue location look with my fiancé when I got back but something just didn’t feel right. About a week later I asked to talk and told him that I needed a little break to think about what I truly wanted to do and pursue and focus on myself. He asked for the ring back at that moment and I got really upset. Looking back I know he was trying to take my mind off of things but that really upset me. I took some time and felt so relieved not worrying about moving and decided a week later that timing just wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair to either of us. He didn’t want to move and neither did I at that point in time. We decided to part ways. Looking back I am not so sure that was the best decision. I am not sure timing would have ever worked out for us but he was a wonderful guy, always there for me, and has a great family. I wish I would have just asked him to talk through things with me and stay together? Instead of just making a rash decision because I thought I was interested in someone else. Fast forward a few weeks after and I decided to find the guy I met on the cruise. Things with him moved really quickly and I found myself really falling for him. He is fun and adventurous and different than my ex and has some great qualities. However this is another LDR. We talked for a few months and he asked me to be his gf in October and it got pretty serious pretty fast. I was so happy with him and we both did a really good job visiting each other. (my ex and I really fell off visiting each other and keeping the spark alive). My ex contacted me on my bday, big audition events and another time but never told me he missed me or even the day we broke up he just said “thankful for a great 5 years.” Nothing was really heartfelt and he seemed like he was fine with the decision. I want someone who is going to be so in love with me and can’t and won’t let me go. I know it’s not fair but I just wanted him to fight for me more. He is now dating someone else in his town and seems like he is really happy. I reached out to him when I realize he deleted all pictures of us and traces of me. He finally told me he was upset after seeing a picture of me on the cruise with my new boyfriend. I explained that I didn’t cheat, nothing happened, and I didn’t reach out until after we broke up. I feel like that showed me he cared and missed me even though he didn’t even say anything. I have been waking up with a sense of regret about how everything went down and feel like I have made a big mistake. My current boyfriend is great but it’s another LDR and I’m terrified it will end the same way. And I’m finding myself missing the security of my ex and qualities about him that my new bf is missing. I reached out to my ex about some stuff I have of his and wanted to see him and he told me to ship the stuff and that we can schedule a time to talk. Part of me wants to just go find him and talk in person to have closure or leave him a letter but I have no clue what to do. Help!