Post # 1
Member
11 posts
Newbee
Hey Bees,
I am writing anonymously because this is a very personal matter for me but would like to receive some advice.
I don’t really know where to start but to keep things short I will just say I called off my January 5, 2013 wedding. My ex Fiance and I have been a in long distance relationship pretty much the entire time we have dated (about 2 years). We have spent summers together but other than that have traveled to see each other once or twice a month during our relationship. I live in Florida and he lives in Alberta, Canada. I was feeling completely overwhelmed with the wedding planning and like it was flying out of control and I wasn’t sure how to stop it and almost just went with it because I actually really love my ex Fiance and think he is a great man… however I just do not feel ready to get married at this point in my life. I am graduating with my Bachelors this fall, December and feel I need some time before getting married. Anyway, this has been a huge shock to my family (they love him!) and I think to some degree to him. We have had a lot of ups and downs being in a long distance relationship and I don’t know why we thought getting married would be the solution… I suppose we just wanted to close the gap. I would like for our relationship to survive despite this but understand it is not fair for me to ask him to wait for me while I figure some things out in my life.
I guess my question is what to do from here? I would like to continue in our relationship… should I even pursue this? After the wedding I was going to move to Canada for a year because Fiance has a really good job up there. Then we were going to move back down to the States (FL) and get settled somewhere closer to my family. I am still willing to move to Canada and date like a normal couple, not long distance and see where that goes.
Also I feel embarrassed with my friends and family. They were really excited for us to get married and like I said my family adores him. We traveled abroad together this summer with my family and had a great time. So he isn’t really the problem… its just I don’t feel ready to be married right now and also feel we need to date closer to each other and not in a LDR.
Sorry if this is all over the place! Just wanted to see if any bees could share there experiences on moving forward.
What do I even do with my dress!? Just so many questions and don’t really know how to move forward here….
Post # 3
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
I think you should continue dating for while i been in a long distance relationship and sometimes i felt like it was enough time together especially only seeing each other for certain amount of time
Post # 4
Hostess
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
We can’t tell you if you should continue to date him, you should ask him how he feels about it. I think it’s understandable that you would want to see if your relationship works when you’re together.
As for your friends, tell them the truth. Everyone can just get over it. If they’re not being supportive, they shouldn’t be in your life.
Post # 5
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
Is there anyway you can talk to your ex-FI (I’m a bit confused about this — did you call off the wedding or call off the wedding AND break up?) about not calling off the wedding but just pushing it back? Buy yourself some time to get your head straight about where you want to go from here, especially since you still want to be with him.
Post # 6
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Can you just tell him this? Or have you already? It sounds very logical of you to have made that decision – many women would have gone through with it just because. For that, I commend you.
I don’t think your whole relationship has to be completely over because of it, unless of course HE thinks that. I think you just need to have a very frank discussion with him and keep in mind that his feelings may be hurt so he may not be ready for the discussion.
Post # 7
Member
11 posts
Newbee
Thanks for your replies.
@Neetch: I called off the wedding and he said he would still marry me whenever I feel like I am ready to get married. I guess we are in a weird limbo because we are still talking and everything but I know he is hurt and if I wanted to date again seriously he says it would be with the intention of marriage… which at this point I don’t really feel like I want to push it back and set another date. I just don’t want to be engaged. Hope that isn’t even more confusing.
Post # 8
Member
11 posts
Newbee
@AmeliaBedelia: I am so glad you said you don’t think my whole relationship has to be over because of it. I don’t know why I felt like it would be a deal breaker for our relationship if I called off the wedding.
Post # 9
Member
4346 posts
Honey bee
I would tell him you want to move to canada and continue dating. Tell him you are open to the idea of marriage in the future (because it sounds like you are) but not right now. You just aren’t ready for it. Moving up there with him will help you feel ready. I would have him hold on to the ring and tell him that you will let him know when you are ready to wear it again.
Then ask him if he is ok with all of that. Tell him you still love him and have no doubts about him. You want to be with him and you never doubted that he was right for you. If he feels the same way, and is ok with you moving up there with him to see how things go with the intention of getting married in (insert how long you think it would take for you to be ready to get married here). You plan on reevaluating where the relationship stands (as in reevaluate whether you are ready for marriage) 6 months after you move up there. Until then you need to focus on just building your bond and the relationship.
If he is ok with all of the above, then you tell your family that you got ahead of yourself and that while you aren’t quite ready for marriage you still (assuming once again that he can continue dating you) love your SO. You take marriage very seriously and don’t want to risk anything by getting married too soon.
If he isn’t ok with dating you anymore, you tell your family that while you love your exFI, you aren’t ready for marriage and you take marriage too seriously to start one without being completely ready.
Post # 10
Member
11 posts
Newbee
Also if we continued dating and decide to get married down the road I feel like my family/friends will think I am a joke and question my decision next time around. I guess this is all irrelevant and I shouldn’t care about that but I am so close to my family and somehow the thought of it is embarrassing to tell them “okay now I’m actually gonna go through with it.”
Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee
@asscherlover: WOW thanks so much for taking the time to write that. Your words are extremely logical and comforting. I will definitely tell him I am still open to moving to Canada and closing the gap in our relationship.
Post # 12
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
I have been in your shoes and I can’t tell you what to do because every relationship is different. I broke off an engagement with my ex-fi but it was a gradual process. First, I called the wedding off but we were still engaged. Than I knew I didn’t really want to marry him and knew I was not ready to marry ANYBODY but couldn’t end it completely so we became unengaged and went back to dating. Than I eventually broke it off completely and it was probably over a total of 4 months that this “breakup” occured. My ex was there the whole time saying he would still marry me and that we would get through it, etc, etc. But than I realized, there was a reason I didn’t want to get married to him, even though I still loved him and he said we would make it work.
I hate to sound negative but there is a reason you have called off your wedding and broken up. It definitely is possible to salvage your relationship and work through it together but be prepared for him one day to maybe change how he feels about the situation and he may decide he doesn’t want to wait for you to be ready anymore. I think you two really need to sit and evaluate what you both want out of your lives and your relationships, and maybe you two have already. A LDR is incredibly hard and is one major reason my ex and I broke up so you’re not alone in this.
ETA: And please DON’T feel embarrased by this, you should be proud of yourself for understanding how you feel and knowing what is right for you. Your family may be shocked but they still love and support you and you should not base any of your actions, good or bad, on what they will think about you or your relationship.
Post # 13
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
@anonymousbee08:
First of all, I commend you for having the courage to call it off since you’re not ready. That is a really hard thing to do and it is wonderful that you followed your gut.
As for your relationship, I dont think that postponing the wedding means you need to break up. I had a friend who was kind of freaked out about getting married so she called off her engagement and then got into therapy. Prior to ending her engagement, she wasn’t enjoying wedding planning and felt stressed by the whole thing because she was unsure about the marriage. Her therapist really helped her to work through some things and she and her guy still spent time together (not as much as before breaking the engagement, but they still saw each other at least once a week). After about 5 months in therapy, she was ready to make the commitment of marriage and the wedding is back on and she is thrilled. She is older than you though and her guy is local so you will likely need more time than 5 months. I think you should take whatever time you need to figure out what you want. Of course you can’t expect your man to wait around for you, but if he truly understands you and loves you, I think he will do it or he will be there if you’re ever ready to be back with him fully in the future.
Basically, there are no relationship rules. Your relationship doesn’t have to go a certain way just because people tell you it should. If you want to move up to canada and date while in the same city but just not be engaged, then that is great! It’s really whatever works for you and your man. If you are still in college, you are still quite young and therefore are not expected at all to know all that you want out of life at this point. You have many many years ahead of you to figure that out 🙂
I also recommend therapy anytime there is something big like this in life that you need help sorting through
Post # 14
Member
11153 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I did the same thing years ago. We were not LDR, tho. Sometime during the planning, I wanted out. I knew I wasn’t ready.
He took it well and basically kept us together. It took years, but eventually I felt ready and here we are, more solid than ever.
So it can be done. DH is just not the kind of guy to push anything but he also wasn’t going to give up on us just because I wasn’ ready when he was.
Post # 15
Member
11 posts
Newbee
@kaw2be: Thank you so much for your honesty. My stomach kind of sank when you said there is a reason I called my wedding off but I know you are right. Hopefully it is just because I don’t feel ready to be married. Hopefully my SO and I will get through it and one day pursue marriage. Also thank you for telling me not to be embarrassed. At the end of the day I know my family supports my decision and would not want me to go into a marriage I feel unprepared for.
@PinkGlitterGirl: Thank you for your kind words. Seeing a counselor is definitely something I am interested in doing. Perhaps even a couples counselor can help us sort through it together. I know he is incredibly hurt and confused and says he will still marry me if I want to. He is a great man and I don’t want him to feel dragged along by my unreadiness. I also don’t want him to resent me later on if we decide to stay together. So therapy is definitely something I will look into.
@sassy411: Thats is so encouraging. Your DH sounds like a wonderful man!
Post # 16
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
If you really love each other, there is nothing wrong with trying to have a relationship after calling off the wedding.
If you have never lived with each other, or even close to each other, how can you know if you are actually compatible? I think it is important to see someone day in and day out and know if you can stand them before marrying them. I’ve been in a LDR before and the only reason we lasted as long as we did is because it is easy to get along with someone over the phone of for a weekend at a time and then have two weeks of space.
There isn’t anything wrong with postponing the wedding or canceling it if you think that going through with it right now will end up in a divorce a few years down the line. Find yourself and see if you two are meant to be and go from there!