(Closed) Called things off :(

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 1
Member
11 posts
Newbee

I need some virtual love, Bees. I’m really lost and don’t know what to do. Just feeling like my heart is pretty broken right now.

My bf and I have been together nearly 8 years. I’m 29, he’s 32. I had been married and divorced extremely young, and it was a marriage for really stupid reasons, and just a big disaster. Never wanted to get married or get attached again. Well, after being with him for a few years, he changed my mind, and I told him that. He had said from very early on that I was the one and he wanted to marry me one day. I was always crystal clear about my feelings, and when they changed and why. It was about 3 years ago that I told him that.

Fast forward to today. We are definitely old enough, secure in who we are and have a great relationship–better than most people we know. We bought a house last year, we have animals together. We’re financially secure. There are no big life hurdles upcoming (someone needing to finish college, needing a better job, dealing with physical or mental illnesses, nada)… my point is, there’s just no reason to wait anymore. He started a ring on layaway ($2800 ring, nothing extravagant) a year and a half ago. It has yet to even be half way paid. Money is NOT the issue–he works off and on, and when he’s working, he’s making anywhere from 2K to 4K a week.

So last night it came to a head with me. A comment came up about the ring and he was negative and snarky about it, and it just set me off. I think I just reached my limit of this stupid waiting game. I’ve been waiting for 3 years–with no particular end in sight. He refuses to give a timeline. He swears up and down that he wants to marry me, and that he will, but it will be when he’s ready–although he will not elaborate on what he means by ready, nor will he tell me why he’s not currently ready. I don’t need to have all the answers, but I need *something* to go on. I think I deserve that, after 3 years. He said the only reason he started the layaway is that he thought it was the last ring of its kind (it’s not, so not sure what happened there). If that’s the “only” reason, it’s not good enough. I feel like you shouldn’t start buying a ring if you’re not emotionally and financially ready to propose.

I’m angry because he has let me believe that he was as ready as I was, and that we wanted the same things. He gets all weird about the subject so I can’t get clear answers on his thoughts and feelings… I believe this is because he wants everything to be a complete surprise for me, so he doesn’t want to talk about it much. I can respect that, but at the same time he has NO consideration for how effing hard it is to be in the dark for years, when he is possibly asking me to continue to do so for an indefinite amount of time. He refuses to give me any kind of timeline. He said so what if it’s 10 years, it’s 10 years. I’m not asking for an exact date… just something like “2 years, no more” would suffice plenty. I feel like I am being put off and jerked around.

What gets me is there is no reason for any of this. He admits that everything is perfect. I’m just at a total loss as to what to do or think. Maybe if we talk about it more I’ll understand, but we are both really upset right now. I told him to cancel the ring and forget everything for now… just table it. He says he doesn’t want to, but I don’t know what else to do. Emotionally, I can’t handle wondering and waiting with no kind of timeline anymore. Just can’t do it.

 

 

 

 

Post # 2
Member
9485 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

hotpink827224:  You ABSOLUTELY deserve to know the timeline. If its ten years its ten years? WTF?

I would be moving out and getting my own residence now. He has you right where he wants you: with all the perks of marriage and none of the commitment. He had ample opportunity to make it happen, and if you put your foot down: he will make it happen if he wants to. If he doesnt hell let you go, but atleast you know the truth.

Post # 3
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sweetie, all I know is, never settle, never compromise on something that will lead to resentment in the future and never let a problem fester. He either will or he won’t commit but he cannot do everything on ‘his’ timeline because you have a timeline too.  Why are you sacrificing for his timeline? What is so special about his role in the relationship that he deserves full control? A partnership means that both parties hash it out until both parties are happy. No one person in a relationship should be allowed to be the dictator. It is all about clear communication and making sure you are ALWAYS on the same page. The moment you are not, problems arise. And if they get too big then its harder and harder to fix them. Don’t live like strangers in the same house. Make sure you know exactly what he wants and when he wants it and then tell him what you want and when you want it. Surprises are for birthday parties, not marriage proposals. You are talking about your whole life, not one evening. Its essential you discuss, calmly, and lovingly. No panic, just tender future planning. Make a cup of hot chocolate and sit him down and ask all of the questions you have burning inside of you. Ask him where you will be in a year, in five years and don’t get mad, or scared. He loves you and you love him. Remember that.

Post # 4
Member
9613 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

hotpink827224:  Is it possible that his reluctance goes all the way back to the beginning of your relationship?  You said you’ve been together 8 years but only 3 years ago made a commitment to him, if I’m reading that correctly.  I need more details about what went on during that time.  Could he be getting some sort of revenge for your having made him wait?  Or could it be that now that the chase is over he’s also over it?  Just speculating here, I realize I could be way off base.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Sunfire.
Post # 5
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Thank you ladies so much for taking the time to read and reply. It means a lot to me right now.

MrsBuesleBee:  Thank you for the affirmation… I agree. I’m not sure I’m quite at the point of moving out or kicking him out, but I just want some clarification from him. I thought I knew what the plan was, and now I realize I apparently didn’t.

FutureMrsGeek:  You said it so well: “Why are you sacrificing for his timeline? What is so special about his role in the relationship that he deserves full control?” Because that’s pretty much it. He has things he wants too and that’s fine, but so do I. I’m not asking to know every single detail of anything, I just think we should be on some kind of plan… not some totally nebulous “someday when I get around to it.” That’s fine when you’re 21. But we are in a totally different situation.

I do my own thing, have my own career and friends. I work out, I stay extremely busy… my point being, I don’t even have time to pester him about it constantly. It seriously comes up maybe every 6 months, tops. But he said I am “freaking out” and “pressuring” him… I don’t see how. I really don’t. But then again, I thought he was ready. Guess he’s not. 🙁 If he’s not ready, then talking about it twice a year must seem like a lot. *sigh*

Post # 6
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Sunfire:  Well… I don’t know. I doubt there is any kind of revenge; he’s really not petty like that. Before we got together, and in the early years of us being together, I was dealing with a lot: the death of my son, an emotionally abusive ex-spouse, a marriage I entered into as an alternative to suicide, a mentally ill mother who did some serious damage to my psyche, an incredibly oppressive religious environment, and being ostracized by my family because of leaving that religion–they barely have anything to do with me even today. He knew about all this, and was very patient and understanding. Plus, he and I had our own issues to sort out, and the first couple of years were pretty intense and rocky. But it was never like he was waiting on me. I never gave him any hope for marriage (I was a little too cold, lol, but I was honest). He even said that he would just be happy as long as we are together, married or not.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  hotpink827224.
Post # 7
Member
11 posts
Newbee

I should add that I would be happy to wait if I knew there were some issues he had to work out, too. But he doesn’t, and he never had any major issues. He was never in any bad relationships, normal family life, no self-esteem or trust issues, etc. That’s what makes it so frustrating. There’s just not a single damn reason to wait… unless he just really doesn’t want to. But like I say, he swears he does.

Post # 8
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

All I know is me and my man discuss everything, from career ambitions, to children, to parenting styles. We know where we want to be and what we are striving for. There was no Hollywood romantic proposal but we both discussed, decided and moved forward with our relationship. We are getting married because we are both ready and we both want it. If my fiance did not want to marry me I would walk away. I have walked away before. My needs have to be met and if they are not, I know I am lonelier in a relationship that is not what I want it to be than when I am single and open to the possibility of exactly what I need being just over the road. Don’t shut yourself off from happiness, trapped in something that may never satisfy you. You deserve a man who loves you enough to live for you and your joy. I know that I would do anything for my baby but, my god, he would do anything for me too. I was single for three years after a crappy relationship so I know it from both sides. It taught me not to settle. I didn’t. I’m getting married in two months. Sometimes you have to be really brave. And trust that no matter how tough it gets at times, you will be so grateful for that act of bravery in a few years time. I know I was brave and I am so thankful now. I’m sorry its not easy, but it is worth it. It really, truly is. Nothing is worse than this limbo right now. I swear it.  

Post # 9
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

hotpink827224:  “I believe this is because he wants everything to be a complete surprise for me, so he doesn’t want to talk about it much.”

Don’t fool yourself. I don’t think he’s ready and I think he’s scared. You guys should consider couples counseling. Perhaps that will give him a safe place to talk it through. If he’s not interested, then you need to make a decision.

If he wants to be with you as bad as he says he does, then leave and see if he comes to get you. If he doesn’t, well you have your answer and you are no longer wasting your time.

Post # 10
Member
3221 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

hotpink827224:  I really don’t understand the expectation on women to shut up about their desires. If marriage is a commitment from two people, why the heck does the man get the power to initiate it?

It’s unacceptable for you to not have a clear understanding of where your life is headed. If you can’t discuss a simple timeline about the intention to get engaged, then you’re going to run into a lot of communication issues later in life. Your partner should be the person you can confide in and trust – not second guess or resent. 

If I were in your shoes, I’d lay out my desires to be married by X date, and see what his reaction is. It’s fair to negotiate the timeline so it suits both of you, but if he’s resistant to that, then you have your answer. 

Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee

FutureMrsGeek:  You are amazing. 🙂 So brave. We do talk about everything, except this. It’s so weird. He has some kind of weird hangup on talking about it because he wants everything to be a surprise. I don’t know how to make him understand I don’t want to ruin any surprise, just want more information. Whatever. But you’re an inspiration, and I hope to have a constructive talk to him about this later.

Doesn’t help that literally every week someone says something to me about whether or not I am engaged, or brings it up in some fashion. A few days ago, an ex (not my exhusband, but another really complicated story) calls me up and tells me he thinks about me every day, was an idiot for letting me go, and despite everything, has hope that we will get married…. um, seriously? *facepalm* WRONG person I want to hear that from, lol!

Last week the UPS guy at work happened to pass by the road as I was running. Today he delivers a package and asks me if I’m working out so I “look good in that wedding dress.” *sigh*

At Christmas, we were at his cousin’s house. They just got back from living out of state for about 6 years, so we didn’t stay in touch. His cousin’s wife asks loudly, in front of the entire damn family, “So, are you guys married or are you just the girlfriend?” Just the girlfriend. Those words still sting, 3 months later. An hour or so after that, his uncle (a little drunk, admittedly), pulled us aside, and teased my boyfriend hard about how I won’t wait forever, and he needs to hurry up and propose. You’re telling me, buddy!! It was awkward, lol.

We’re just at that age and time where everyone always asks and makes comments. I don’t care what others think, but it is like a little knife to the heart each time.

Post # 12
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

hotpink827224:  He obviously loves you and has expressed you’re the one.

I honestly don’t know what to tell you. What’s wrong with being a strong, independent woman and setting the stage? Why does it always have to be us women that are waiting and leave everything at the man’s discretion? Just because society tells us that it’s the man’s job to decide when to get married? It makes me frustrated and angry seeing the hundreds of women on here who are desperate and miserable just waiting on their boyfriends to pop the question. I say we all take control of our lives and live by our OWN timelines. WHy should we have to wait and be at a man’s beck and call? You only get one life and you might as well live it how you want. YOU take control of YOUR life.

Sorry, I by no means meant to sound harsh if I did…I’m just upset for you, honestly.

Post # 13
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

As the only single girl at SO SO many parties, I am there with the sting of words. What I want to tell you is multi faceted. First of all no one else matters. Their opinion of you and your relationship lasts for as long as it takes for the sentence to leave their fat, judgy gobs. Think about the way you gossip (all of us women do, come on) You do not lie awake at night ‘judging’ Debbie at the office and the fling she’s having with that married man. Its idle chitchat and then you forget and think about your own life and your own problems. So remember that next time someone implies you should be hitched by now. They don’t care. Its just something to say. It stings because it means something to you. Now, how much it means to you, has to be decided by you. I know happy couples who don’t stress about marriage, who don’t ever want to get married but are absolutely as committed to each other as a married couple. That doesn’t seem to be you. Do you know why? Is something making you insecure? Do you fear his lack of commitment? Is he evading ‘total commitment’? You say you have a house and animals, but something deeper than a marriage proposal is stressing you out. You need to figure out the significance of his commitment, the importance of marriage to you and where YOU want to go from here. Then talk to him. But come prepared. You need to know what it is you want. Without that you will float and I feel like you don’t want to float anymore.

Post # 14
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

My hubby and I have only been together for 3 years and some months.  I am 26 and he is 30.  I didn’t think marriage was happening soon, since we haven’t been together that long, and I wasn’t even that concerned with it… Until he told me not to be expecting a proposal anytime soon out of the blue.  We weren’t talking about us; however, we were talking about his bestfriend ring shopping with his girlfriend and how they said they would NEVER get married because they just weren’t marriage people.  So my boyfriend just throws that in the conversation, and it hurt.  

We have talked his saying that and he tells me he said that because:  1.  He wants the proposal to be a surprise and he felt like I knew it was coming so he wanted to throw me off his trail or 2.  He thought I was getting the wedding itch because all of my friends have recently been married and now his friends are married or engaged.  

Either way, I don’t believe either of those reasons.  I think everyone getting married has actually sent him into questioning whether he wants to settle down with anyone.. let alone me.  (I’m not his first girlfriend, but I am his longest relationship, so I don’t know if he has that ‘didn’t play the field enough’ regret) I also think it has put pressure on him and I feel like that is causing him to feel like he isn’t in control anymore and that bothers him. 

I don’t think it is unfair of your boyfriend to give you a timeline or to admit if he is having second thoughts for any reason.  He put money down on a ring, so he should know you would think that meant more than an investment.  I’m not sure why it is so hard to get a timeline out of guys sometimes.  My boyfriend’s timeline was “I won’t let it go common law.”  Well, our state doesn’t have common law, so it won’t anyway.  

I understand your frustrations, and I hope that he will see how important this is to you and let you know what he is actually thinking.  

 

Post # 15
Member
9613 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

hotpink827224:   Ok, thank you for the further explanation, that sheds a little more light.  You admit you were “cold” to him for almost five years.  And that he was patient and expressed that he would want to be with you whether you agreed to marry him or not.  I still stand by my original theory, even if it may be somewhat subconscious on his part.  Ask him if he is feeling hesitant now due to your hesitation then.  It sounds as though he really loves you and his love is rock-solid.  Maybe he wants to know yours for him is the same in return, that you will love him and stay with him and be patient the same way he was.  And that you want him and will be there for him, marriage or not.

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