- 4 years ago
I need some virtual love, Bees. I’m really lost and don’t know what to do. Just feeling like my heart is pretty broken right now.
My bf and I have been together nearly 8 years. I’m 29, he’s 32. I had been married and divorced extremely young, and it was a marriage for really stupid reasons, and just a big disaster. Never wanted to get married or get attached again. Well, after being with him for a few years, he changed my mind, and I told him that. He had said from very early on that I was the one and he wanted to marry me one day. I was always crystal clear about my feelings, and when they changed and why. It was about 3 years ago that I told him that.
Fast forward to today. We are definitely old enough, secure in who we are and have a great relationship–better than most people we know. We bought a house last year, we have animals together. We’re financially secure. There are no big life hurdles upcoming (someone needing to finish college, needing a better job, dealing with physical or mental illnesses, nada)… my point is, there’s just no reason to wait anymore. He started a ring on layaway ($2800 ring, nothing extravagant) a year and a half ago. It has yet to even be half way paid. Money is NOT the issue–he works off and on, and when he’s working, he’s making anywhere from 2K to 4K a week.
So last night it came to a head with me. A comment came up about the ring and he was negative and snarky about it, and it just set me off. I think I just reached my limit of this stupid waiting game. I’ve been waiting for 3 years–with no particular end in sight. He refuses to give a timeline. He swears up and down that he wants to marry me, and that he will, but it will be when he’s ready–although he will not elaborate on what he means by ready, nor will he tell me why he’s not currently ready. I don’t need to have all the answers, but I need *something* to go on. I think I deserve that, after 3 years. He said the only reason he started the layaway is that he thought it was the last ring of its kind (it’s not, so not sure what happened there). If that’s the “only” reason, it’s not good enough. I feel like you shouldn’t start buying a ring if you’re not emotionally and financially ready to propose.
I’m angry because he has let me believe that he was as ready as I was, and that we wanted the same things. He gets all weird about the subject so I can’t get clear answers on his thoughts and feelings… I believe this is because he wants everything to be a complete surprise for me, so he doesn’t want to talk about it much. I can respect that, but at the same time he has NO consideration for how effing hard it is to be in the dark for years, when he is possibly asking me to continue to do so for an indefinite amount of time. He refuses to give me any kind of timeline. He said so what if it’s 10 years, it’s 10 years. I’m not asking for an exact date… just something like “2 years, no more” would suffice plenty. I feel like I am being put off and jerked around.
What gets me is there is no reason for any of this. He admits that everything is perfect. I’m just at a total loss as to what to do or think. Maybe if we talk about it more I’ll understand, but we are both really upset right now. I told him to cancel the ring and forget everything for now… just table it. He says he doesn’t want to, but I don’t know what else to do. Emotionally, I can’t handle wondering and waiting with no kind of timeline anymore. Just can’t do it.