(Closed) Calling all feminist bees: What traditions are you skipping and why?

posted 9 years ago in Traditions
Post # 32
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

– No who give this woman to this man?

– No garter toss, money dance, or bouquet throw

-We are writing our own vows.

– “Husband and wife”

– I am debating the veil

– Keep my last name

Post # 33
Member
3072 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Question for Bees who are not doing the “who gives this woman away” part:


What, if anything, will be said instead?  I’ve been trying to figure something out and haven’t been able to come up with anything yet

 

 

Post # 34
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

No veil

No bouquet/garter toss

We (well I, edited by DH) wrote our vows and ceremony, which the vows were the same and there was no ownership/servitude/obey etc of any kind in any of it

Pronounced “husband and wife” rather than “man and wife”

No “who gives this woman”

I had my stepdad walk me down (bio dad is not in the picture by my choice) and I danced with my grandfather during father/daughter dance

I did take DH’s last name though! But it was mainly to get rid of bio dad’s last name. Blech. 😉

Post # 35
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wrote my vows and the whole ceremony.

No Father Daughter dance

No Bouquet or garter toss

My Father will walk me down the aisle, but will not “give me away”

 

@Brideonabudgetlauren:  I’m not planning on saying anything at this point. My Dad will walk me down the aisle, I’ll probably give him a hug, he’ll take his seat, I turn to my Fiance and the ceremony begins. If you leave the processional music on during this part it will fill up any missing space

Post # 36
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Here’s what we’re doing:

– he didn’t ask my parents (and especially not just my dad) for permission to marry me. I told him if he asked for permission before we got engaged I wouldn’t marry him Tongue Out. The only person whose permission he needs to marry me is mine. I am a grown-ass woman!

– we didn’t do the whole surprise proposal with a ring thing. I told him I didn’t think it was a good tradition because he gets months/years to think about it and I’ve got to make my mind up in 10 seconds, and if I ask to think about it, then I’m a massive jerk. No thanks. For months we were planning the wedding before we got officially engaged (like, had a date set, a guest list etc. not just theoretical stuff!) and then one night as we were doing more planning he just turned to me and said “so, how about it?” and I said “how about what?” and he said “getting engaged” and we discussed it and mutually decided it was a good time to do so.

– he didn’t give me an engagement ring (in the traditional sense). Virginity insurance? No thanks. An interesting read on the history of the engagement ring and it’s questionable parts is here http://weveseenbetter.wordpress.com/2011/09/17/engagement-rings/ . Though my mom had given me the engagement ring my dad had given her and I was going to get the diamond reset into a RHR but we decided to design a setting together and I would wear it on my left hand, not because we wanted an engagement ring, but because our families felt uncomfortable with us not doing it (when we explained why we didn’t want to, our families thought we were judging their choices to do it). And since the symbolism of an expensive engagement gift being given only to the woman was moot, since I already owned the ring, we decided it would do no harm to wear it on my left hand. Plus, then vendors would start taking me seriously!

– I’m not changing my name. We tossed around the idea of combining our last names, and we would have but each of our families have some important political members and in especially in our lines of work it’s better to keep them intact. So we decided I would take his last name as another middle name and he would do the same with mine. We are going to hyphenate our kids’ names and toss a coin to decide the order (why is it always assumed that the man’s last name is the last one? weird).

– I’m struggling with the idea of a veil. Right now I’m leaning towards no. It really does pull the whole “bridal” look together, but I don’t think I can stomach it. I also have a really good excuse not to wear one without seeming preachy if our families ask on the big day: Fiance doesn’t like how they look and we’re on a beach and it will likely be windy so it’ll just be a nuisance.

– No bouquet toss or garter retrieval.

– We are saying the exact same vows. I wouldn’t even get married if I had to promise to obey.

– I am deciding whether I will have my dad, mom and step-dad walk me down the aisle or to do it myself. I don’t think the idea of being escorted at all is sexist, just as long as it’s not just by the father (fun fact: in Roman times, when the idea of the father walking the bride down the aisle started, the bride wasn’t given to her husband, but her husband’s father or grandfather, his pater familias, because he was the only person in the family that could own property. Puke). If I do decide to have my parents walk me down the aisle, it will just be to symbolize me entering the marriage coming from one family, and leaving the ceremony with my husband, having started a new one.

– no being pronounced “man and wife”. Husband and wife, thank you very much. 

– I was going to have him come wedding dress shopping with me, after I had it narrowed down to a couple choices. But I chickened out when I found “the one” and told him he wasn’t allowed to see it. When I had a bit of a change of heart and offered to show him the pictures, he said he didn’t want to see them, that he wanted to be surprised.

 

Post # 37
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@Brideonabudgetlauren:  As soon as my stepdad and I walked down the aisle my stepdad took my hand, put it in to my husband’s hand and then the officiant started the opening commentary. No weirdness what so ever!

Post # 38
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have a question for you ladies here. Why not the father daughter dance for those of you who chose to leave it out for feminist reasons?

Post # 39
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

DH didn’t ask my parents’ permission

No changing my name

Not being “given away”

No garter toss or bouquet toss

No traditional vows, i.e. none of that “obey” crap

Announced with our names, not “man and wife”

Post # 40
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

– We wrote our entire ceremony and have left out anything that insinuated that we weren’t equal

– no garter toss

– no bouquet toss

 

Honestly… it’s not about being a feminist to me (though, I am… and so is anyone who believes men and women should have equal rights). I just didn’t like the traditions so I axed them!

Post # 41
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
@MsLouella:  I agree. I want to know too! What are the feminist reasons for not doing the father-daughter dance?

Post # 42
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

Oh just about all of them. Not yet married, but the SO and I have talked about this extensively.

Three exceptions: 1)  I want a veil and the SO wants 2) engagement ring for me only 3) me to wear a white dress.

Everything else is either done because of money or because I’ve rejected the traditional role of the bride leaving her father’s house etc.:

We’re paying for the wedding.

There will be no asking of permission/blessing from the dad (or mom).

I will be walking myself. Avoiding an aisle at all if possible.

I know its been so modernized now that folks don’t realise it wasn’t always the case, but he’s wearing a wedding ring!

I’ll probably keep my last name, though I joke about hypenating and giving the kids’ his.

No bouquet or garter toss.

Same vows for each of us, probably an updated verison of the traditional ones.

If we’re announced, it will be as husband and wife and nothing else.

The reception will probably not have dancing, just dinner, so the speeches can be done by whomever.

Post # 43
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@Brideonabudgetlauren:  We didn’t say anything in place of it – it’s not really a necessary part of the service, IMO. My mom and dad escorted me to the chuppah, I gave them each a hug and a kiss, and then stepped up to stand opposite my groom. At which point the officiant began by welcoming everyone, and moved on to the rest of the ceremony.

Post # 44
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

p.s. Oh, and I forgot to add earlier – we also skipped the engagment ring altogether. That was one of the most untraditional decisions we made.

Post # 45
Member
2779 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We’re still working out how we will be coming in, catholic church doesn’t ‘allow’ that my dad walk me down the aisle, I can be ok with that but I’m not ok if they make me and Fiance walk down aisle together like they prefer. I’m all for equality, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want my moment where all eyes are on me. 

We will not be doing a garter toss. 

Not close enough to have figured out our vows yet, we have over a year yet. I’m toying with writing our own, but that might be more difficult then I think.

Instead of the bouquet toss we are actually giving the bouquet to the couple in the room that has been married the longest and giving them a spotlight dance. I think it’s important to showcase a healthy working marriage at the wedding.

My dress is fairly traditional, strapless dropped waist ballgown with an organza skirt and a chapel train. I also plan on wearing a cathedral veil because i love them.

 

Post # 46
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@S.Elizabeth.G:  I’m also skipping the part where Dad walks me down the aisle (it’ll be both parents!) and the veil. And the white dress and the name change. Definitely no bouquet toss or garter toss either! I’m not feeling conflicted over this stuff, though…lol.

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