(Closed) Calling all feminist bees: What traditions are you skipping and why?

posted 8 years ago in Traditions
Post # 47
16 posts
  • Wedding: January 2013

  • He didn’t ask permission 
  • No “who gives this woman”
  • “husband and wife”
  • Although we are still getting married in a catholic church, we were very particular about choosing the readings
  • No “obey”
  • No bouquet toss/garter
  • Veil, but not in front of my face
  • No mr & mrs his name, or mr & mrs his first name his last name. We are being introduced as my first name and his first name (no last names)!  As I told Fiance, it’s not a name changing ceremony, it’s a marriage!

Post # 48
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@future mrs Q:  I agree with you thats the point of the feminist movement that we are now allowed a choice!  And I like that wording I think I might copy it if thats okay.  My dad will walk me down the aisle because that’s what I always pictured.  In our family it was considered important for the guy to ask for their blessing not necessarily their permission! And my guy did ask before presenting me with the ring.

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@SupermarketGirl:  There’s a part about obeying your husband?  Thats not going into mine at ALL!  And huband and wife.  Man I will have to talk to abuela about all of this. She’s doing the ceremony in Spanish but still.  We will know what is said and I’m not okay with some of this traditional wording!

I’ll wear the veil if mom still has it and its in good shape.  If dad wants to do the father daughter dance we will, no garter toss that part always creeped me out, hey here’s something that was near my wife’s naughty parts all day come and get it!! Ew.

I’m debating on bouquet toss.  Maybe if we do it as some other bee said because there aren’t many single ladies just have all the laidies do it.

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@plzhalp:  I like that!

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@drummerbride:  I like that bouquet idea too.

We are having the ceremony next year so we have a lot to think about.  We are though married on paper but didn’t have a ceremony (Colorado self option).  And so I have not changed my name and I really don’t think I will.  I always thought I would but as time got closer to the us getting married I realized I didn’t want to.  My last name is fairly common but my family is infamous back home and I have always taken pride in the fact that I have that last name.  I don’t like the idea of that being taken from me just because I married into his family which doesn’t have the same reputation as mine by a long shot.  He isn’t exactly close with his father’s side of the family and one of his brothers lives in CO too and his wife took the name.  I like being unique in that sure I’m a part of your family now but I have my own indentity too which I am also proud of.  I can always change it later should I decide to.  

I told him though that the children (if we have any) will have his last name since I was always so proud to carry my dad’s.  I think this stems though from the fact that my dads side of the family has a lot of children who didn’t get to have their dads name for various reasons.  My nephew doesn’t carry our name even though the mother knew that my brother was the father.  It doesn’t bother me too much because thats their business lol.


Post # 49
228 posts
Helper bee

I’m kind of lucky that my parents already moved in this direction- my mom walked herself down the aisle and kept her name. Then they converted. I am a Quaker so a lot of our traditions are already equal. We will greet our guests and sit down together. Vows are totally equal. We will be evening out our Korean ceremony so we bow to both sets of parents not just his, but that is very common now. We will not be doing the bouquet/garter toss as I hate those. And I am talking to my parents about us getting engaged, and he to his. I might do a birdcage veil just for style but there will be no lifting of it. I might take his name just because I really like it much more than mine but I am really struggling with that bc I never thought I would take my husband’s name. Doing so makes me feel like I’m betraying me principles but I’m still tempted. ETA: everyone will be forbidden from referring to me as Mrs his-first-name his-last-name. I HATE that it makes me want to hulksmash something!

Post # 50
3768 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

Definitely not doing the garter toss but probably doing the bouquet toss (one comes off as sleezy and one comes off as fun in my opinion).

The only other thing is I am considering having both of my parents escort me down the aisle rather than just my dad.

Post # 51
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

No bouquet toss (I paid too much for it!! lol) and no garter… I don’t need to give my family a visual of my new husband crawling up my dress. no. thank. you.

Post # 52
4673 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

No veil (I had a wreath instead!) 

No traditional vows (we picked some that we liked off of the internet, but as it turned out forgot to bring them or give them to anyone that day, so we ended up winging it!) 

Not dropping my name (as a compramise I am hyphanating) 

no garder/bouquet toss (we didn’t have a lot of single people anyway…) 

no asking my dad for my hand

Post # 53
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Brideonabudgetlauren:  Nothing. I just gave each parent a kiss on the cheek and that was that. No one questioned it. (My dad was bummed, but I was not going to give in on that one!) I’ve heard “who presents this woman” as an alternative as well, but that still felt squicky to me.

Post # 54
5009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@auggiefrog:  Not saying that there’s anything wrong with it, but a bridal wreath is as much a symbol of virginity and fertility as the veil. 

I’m sure we made some concessions to patriarchy, but we basically did mostly what suited us.

  • No permission request to my parents
  • I walked myself down the aisle
  • Our vows were non-traditional with no mention of gender roles
  • Speeches were me, him and the best man (with the Bridesmaid or Best Man just because we couldn’t shut him up)
  • No garter toss
  • No bouquet toss
  • No suggestion that I was being “given away” 
  • We planned the wedding together
  • He was the one getting married from his father’s house.

However we did do:

  • A big poofy dress… because I love them
  • A veil
  • An engagement ring (a gift from my grandma)

Yes, walking myself down the aisle and refusing to give my parents a greater prominence than his were feminist statements, but none of them seemed to make anyone uncomfortable.

Post # 55
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would love to walk myself down the aisle, but I’m not sure it’s worth the possible fallout from our families. 

Post # 56
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Brideonabudgetlauren:  There’s some lovely language out there if you Google around. We had our officiants talk about how important our families of origin were to us, and then ask them if they would honor and support our union, at which point all four answered in unison, “We will.” There was a lot of tearing up going on at that point all around!

The other nice one I’ve heard is “Who gives this woman?” and the parent/s respond “She gives herself and we give her our blessing.”

Post # 57
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I love seeing how all of you Bees were able to personalize your wedding traditions and remain true to your feminist ideals!  And I agree with previous posters about feminism expanding our choices, rather than forcing us to act in a certain way.  The wedding traditions we nixed due to our feminist leanings: 

  • No “asking permission” to marry me.  
  • No “giving the bride away.” 
  • No garter or bouquet toss.  
  • We saw each other before the wedding.  Actually, we woke up together since we were in the same hotel room.  
  • No mention of obedience or submission in our vows.
  • No mention of traditional gender roles in homily; We requested our pastor to speak about equality and partnership 
  • I am hyphenating my name rather than dropping mine and taking his. 

And traditions we kept:

  • He gave me an engagement ring (but with a garnet instead of a diamond)
  • I wore a veil (it was my mother’s and it had sentimental meaning to me)
  • I wore a pretty traditional looking ivory, lace dress

We were both really happy with how our wedding turned out and did not feel that we had to compromise our ideals at all.  And yes, my husband is a feminist too! 🙂

Post # 58
2353 posts
Buzzing bee

No one asked permission to marry anybody.

No one walked me down the aisle. We didn’t really even have an “aisle” and if I hadn’t been in the bathroom at time to start, I would’ve been up there when DH was, and wouldn’t have had to walk in with everyone looking (not my best moment). The worst part is that the ladies’ room had been full so I went in the men’s room, so I entered my wedding ceremony from the men’s room. Ah, well.

Same vows except that mine were religious and DH’s weren’t (he’s athiest). Nobody promised to obey anybody – that was my deal, that either we both say it or no one does. 

No plan for a daddy-daughter dance, but when DH and I finished dancing, by dad immediately grabbed me and started dancing to the next song, which was lovely (he taught me to dance, and so it was really meaningful, and I loved that it was spontaneous). 

No garter. Gah. Hate the garter thing. 

Did a bouquet toss only because a few girls begged me to. I didn’t plan to preserve my bouquet, and so I thought Why Not? and did a toss. It was a little weird but it was fun. 

Not changing my name. I don’t mind being Mrs. DH’slastname unofficially/socially, and I’ll certainly answer to it, but I’m known professionally by my name and DH likes that I’m keeping it. 

ETA: oh yeah, no veil. But then, it was a cocktail party and I was wearing a cocktail dress, so the veil was as much a fastion as a feminist choice.

Post # 59
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This may have more to do with independemce than feminism, but I did not want FH to ask my dad’s permission or blessing before we got married.

Post # 60
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Both my parents are walking me down the aisle, because they played equal roles in helping me grow into the person I am today; however, they aren’t “giving” me to FH, instead they are giving their blessing to us. I am wearing a veil with a blusher, because I think they’re romantic. Our ceremony is completely custom-written by FH & I, and we use almost entirely gender-neutral language and don’t mention any sort of “obeying”, etc. I don’t have a bouquet/garter to toss.

ETA: Oh, and FH didn’t ask my dad beforehand, but I didn’t include that initially because it’s not part of the “wedding”. (Although I wouldn’t have minded if he had asked for a blessing.)

Post # 61
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I consider myself feminist, because I support each woman’s right to choose, and not necessarily because I am anti-traditional. 

I loved having my FH (at the time) ask my father for my hand in marriage, because I felt that he was honoring my family by doing so. It was certainly a formality, and I know my father would never have said “no” to anyone I wanted to marry.

I had my father walk me down the aisle for the same reason- he was representing my family and I wanted to honor them (my brothers walked my mom down the aisle, and my sister, Brother-In-Law & neice were also in the procession). It was a symbol, to me, of my maturing and not needing to rely on my family anymore. Now, my DH is my rock, and, though I am still very close with my family, they do not need to support me.

I didn’t do a garter/bouquet toss, traditional vows, or wear a veil, though. That’s because I didn’t want to. I love the freedom of having a choice, though it does slightly irk me when people seem to imply that non-traditional=feminist and traditional=anti-feminist. They are not mutually exclusive 🙂

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