(Closed) Calling all feminist bees: What traditions are you skipping and why?

• Jacqui90
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: April 2019

@les105:  i agree, i feel like i am a feminist, but i will be embracing all traditions, except ‘obey’

• Roe
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2012

@les105:  Well sure, the terms aren’t mutually exclusive. But when the actual origins of the the traditions are anti-feminist, I think its important to put more thought into whether or not you will incorporate them.  Not saying that anyone is a bad feminist if they choose to incorporate the tradtions, but I do think its important to know why the tradition is sexist and what its origins are. Then you can choose them for your own reasons if you like.

• les105
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: May 2012

@Roe:  Fair enough. I’m happy that each woman chooses the traditions that she prefers to keep. It just annoys me when it’s insinuated that those who follow tradition cannot be feminist. I am a feminist because I support the women who choose to do things the way I do and also because I support those who choose to do things differently, I am not simply feminist because I do things unconventionally. 

• Roe
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2012

@les105:  I agree.

It just annoys me when it’s insinuated that those who follow tradition cannot be feminist.

Pffft! Is what I would say to that. I wear makeup, I’m still a feminist. I know it origins are pretty sexist, but its my choice and I do it because I want to.

• KinkyOrange
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: July 2013 - UK

So difficult in some ways…

Firstly, I want to see what a veil looks like. If I like it, I’ll get one. If I don’t, I won’t. I’m not too bothered about the symbolism in this day and age. I also think that tossing things is good clean fun, and it’s not like anybody takes it seriously. But if we do a garter toss then he will not be publically removing it from my leg, thanks very much. I’ll take it off in the ladies’ loos beforehand and give it to him. Not for any feminist reason… I just think that public fondling of that kind is nasty, socially awkward, and cheap.

I am not changing my name. I have spent the best part of three decades with a name which has served me just fine, and I don’t see why I should have to get used to a new one now just for the sake of it. Fiance is not happy about this, but he’ll get over it. I’m not going to be one of those women who throws a hissy fit if someone calls us “Mr and Mrs X” though. Life’s too short.

The thing which makes me want to heave is traditional submission/obedience vows. There is no way I’m making promises I can’t keep. For one thing, I’m having a religious ceremony, so technically I would be lying before God if I made a promise I have no intention of keeping. In short then, none of this obey stuff… in fact, I went to a wedding recently and was really shocked by how traditional the ceremony was… plus it was a secular ceremony!

I am completely in two minds about being escorted down the aisle. I really want to walk myself, to be honest, but I am also very close to my father and don’t want to hurt his feelings. I might have to find a way to subtly see what he wants, because he’s been so good to me over the years that if he wants to walk me then I don’t have the heart to say no. If he’s indifferent though, I want to walk myself.

None of this “who gives this woman” business… I realise there’s not much adaptability in a Catholic ceremony, but either I will say “I do”, my parents will say “She does, with our blessing” or I will ask all the guests present to stand and say together “we do”.

No choreographed dancing… not for any feminist reason, I just don’t enjoy that sort of thing.

Also, I want to give a very short speech and a few words of thanks to my guests. Fiance is moaning about this and saying that you only have FOB and Bridesmaid or Best Man speeches because people want to eat and drink, and they will get bored if you have lots of speeches. Well, I say tough. It’s my wedding, and I’m paying for half of it (FI is paying for the other half), so people can shut up and give me 60-90 seconds of their time. I’m the hostess, after all, not my father, and I think that it is only polite that the hostess should say a few words.

… I think that’s about it?

• KinkyOrange
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Stupid double post!

• Pokemon
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: November 2013

ca i ask why is not having a veil a feminist thing? i never wanted a veil so i never looked into it

• FutureMrsFishy
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: September 2013

The timing on this thread could not be better. I’ve been having a lot of patriarchal-wedding-tradition induced rage lately. We did not/are not doing:

• any asking of permission/blessing etc. Every time I see that pic on Pinterest about “still wanting a guy to ask my dad’s permission” I want to puke. I am the only one who speaks for me thankyouverymuch.
• no garter/bouquet
• veil may or may not happen, depending on the dress, but NO blusher
• no “who gives this woman” or suggestion of giving away at all. I would LOVE to make that walk solo for many reasons, but like others have said, not worth the fallout. My plan is to let my dad escort me partially down the aisle, meet my mom, drop him off with her, kiss them both, and finish the walk solo, meeting Fiance and walking up a couple of stairs together, as equals.
• non-traditional, written by us vows, ceremony, unconventional readings, and no mentions of obediance, submission, etc.
• we are staying in the same hotel room and doing first looks
• I’m insisting that my mom’s first name be included on any invitations, announcements, etc. no “mr. and mrs. john smith” and I will also not be referred to as “Mrs. bob jones.” EVER.

I will be taking his last name, but will probably keep mine as a middle, or hyphenate. The look on his face when I said I wasn’t sure I wanted to change my name broke my heart. Like the stereotype of little girls doodling their future names as Mrs. Justin Beiber (or whatever), I think my wonderful man had been dreaming about that from the other side of things for many years, so that really impacted my decision.

And I do love my beautiful, beautiful engagement ring (which we designed, together).

• Roe
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2012

@Pokemon:  It all goes back to marriage being a business contract.

When brides were sold from their fathers to their husbands, the husbands did not see the bride until the wedding. The purpose of the veil, if I’m correct in what I’ve read before, was to shield the face of the bride from the groom until they were pronounced man and wife….presumably so that he wouldn’t go back on his transaction if she happened to not be so pretty!

• village_skeptic
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2012

@Pokemon:  The veil is a metaphor for virginity. The whole lifting of the veil thing by your husband…yup, there you go.

ETA: Roe is also totally right too — think of the Biblical story in which Rachel is passed off as Leah.

• FutureMrsFishy
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: September 2013

@Rachel631:  is there a way of your dad escorting you halfway down the aisle, or dropping him off and finishing the walk solo? Any way to compromise those 2 desires, and get the best of both worlds?

• HeMadeMeWantTo
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: April 2013

The major thing for me is not changing my name. I refuse to be branded like a cow (my personal viewpoint, not intended to offend others). This is just how it would make me feel, not how I feel about other women doing it.

• berninabird
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: December 2012

@Roe:  That’s what I’ve heard as well.

Also, I’ve been to a wedding that used “obey”… lots. Wicked uncomfortable. The bride’s vows were much shorter: she pretty much just had to obey. The groom’s vows were more extensive, since he had to vow to be responsible in his authority over her (ugh) and protective of what was now his (?!). To each their own, I know, but I had a tough time with that one.

• Pokemon
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: November 2013

@Roe: @village_skeptic:  thanks

• starfish0116
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: September 2012

I’m skipping a few things, but it has nothing to do with being a femenist. Like someone else posted, most of the “traditional” wedding things are just that….tradition. 

We’re skipping the garter and bouqet toss, simply because most of our friends are married already. The handful that aren’t married aren’t super happy about being single or not engaged yet, so we don’t want to draw attention to that.