(Closed) Calling all feminist bees: What traditions are you skipping and why?

posted 8 years ago in Traditions
Post # 77
Member
6511 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Great thread!

Some non-traditional things we are doing:

– Having both parents walk me down the aisle.

– Skipping the over-the-face veil.

– No asking “who gives this bride?”  I give myself, dammit.  For that same reason, my fiance did not ask my parents for permission, but sweetly asked for their blessing after the fact (which was perfect for me!)

– No references to obeying, submitting, etc.  NO way. 

– Father daughter dance.  I will be having the DJ dedicate a song (Kind & Generous by Natalie Merchant) to my mom (who raised me), but that is it. 

– We will be introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Nigel and Sarah [Last Name].  I am choosing to take his last name (and keeping mine as a second middle name), but I am NOT, in any way, giving up my first name! 

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@village_skeptic:  
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@Roe:  I am so glad you mentioned the “Man and Wife” thing!  I absolutely hate that wording, and want to make sure that it is nowhere in our wedding!

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@berninabird:  I know the feeling!  I went to a wedding dripping in patriarchy a few weeks ago, and I was very discomfited by the whole thing. 

Post # 78
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

There is so much gender essentialism that goes into the standard wedding, veil or not, and oh, the heterosexualiness of it all. So I’m curious if there are other ways to involve feminism beyond excluding symbols.

For instance, I hate Pins or posts about prepping flower girls for *their* hypothetical future weddings (i.e. giving them keep-sake handkerchiefs or getting a photo of them gazing up at the dress). Instead, letting them know a wedding is not a goal in itself is important. Having the flower girl or junior bridesmaids listening to all the women gathered getting ready could also be a beautiful (even feminist!) event. 

I’m considering doing donations to an anti-sex trafficking and/or pro-gay marriage organization in lieu of favors. I guess it’s a bit of a cop-out but it’s better than nothing. 

My feminism leaves me conflicted. I want the dress and all that stuff for the aesthetic and I know it. It’s too easy to say “feminism is the right to choose.” That’s true, to an extent, but WHY do I desire to make certain choices? To wear a huge, uncomfortable gown? To look like a bride, a “princess”, a “goddess”? I’m buying into a fantasy (http://www.feministwedding.com/whitedress_dethroningprincess.html)

I also have to question if the wedding craze sweeping across the country – all the bloggy, pinterest-y planning – is distracting young women from larger issues. Of course, this hits non-feminist women hardest.

Post # 79
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

“Journalist Alexandra Jacobs calls it “I-Do Feminism,” a ploy by the wedding industry to render harmless the feminist movement and its stand against women being forced into traditional roles. She “notes a seeming irony: the image of the princess bride, the rhetoric of domestic bliss, and the ideologies of feminism are often connected in mainstream media and advertising. We have entered the era of the I-Do Feminists…a bride who expresses her freedom of choice and liberation from patriarchy and its traditions of coverture by (paradoxically) eagerly embracing (what appear to be) classic heteronormative and hyperconsumerist rituals of the white wedding and housewifery” (Matrix 55).”

Post # 81
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My dad passed away before I met DH, but I was always against the idea of asking permission/blessing so DH didn’t do that (my mom would probably have been offended on my account if he even tried, but he knew better).

I wore a veil for the ceremony because I thought it was pretty.  I had flowers in my hair for the reception.

We walked each other down the aisle, and it was really amazing.  I highly recommend it (I posted on other threads about this).  My dad walking me down the aisle wasn’t an option, obviously, but I thought they way we did it was perfect.

We did the standard Episcopal wedding, which has equal vows.  We skipped any reading dealing with gender roles.  I picked the Episcopal church for it’s feminist beliefs, and were married by my favorite priest, who is a woman.  She introduced us as husband and wife.  That was a big one for me too.

No bouquet/garter toss.

Kept my name, and will always go by “Ms.”  I think DH gets more annoyed when people refer to me with his name than I do!  But Mrs. HisFirst HisLast drives me NUTS!!  We had ONE check made out that way, and it was from one of MY friends.  I think he did that just to get under my skin!  πŸ™‚

I’m surprised by a previous post from someone who states she’s not a feminist.  Are there really women who don’t believe that women and men are equal?  Really?

Post # 82
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

No name change.

Fiance and I are walking in together- if my dad had wanted to walk with me, I would have gotten on board, but when I checked with him, he was like “Aisle? What aisle?! Why would I do that.” I <3 my crazy hippie dad.

Oh, and Fiance didn’t ask my dad or anyone for my “hand”. He might have gotten laughed at, but with love. πŸ™‚

Nothing in the ceremony to differentiate between us, not even “you may now kiss your bride” or however it goes. There’s some other phrasing in there instead.

Our families in general will be asked to present us to be married, no one is being given to anyone else.

We’ll be announced as “first name and first name, husband and wife” or something like that, I can’t recall.

Nothing is being tossed.

Oh, no veil, but not really for feminist reasons. I just don’t want one on my head.

I would have loved to be married by a judge, JOP, whatever, but that’s not legal in our state if you want the ceremony not at the courthouse. I would have loved a female officiant, actually the woman who married my parents, but she wasn’t available. Our officiant is very on board with not including anything we aren’t comfortable with, though, which is great. 

Post # 83
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I will not be “given away”

I will wear a veil for fun but will not cover up my face (no one is going to kidnap me πŸ™‚

Nothing about subserviance or waiting hand and foot on Fiance

The Man will not kiss his bride…We will seal our love with a kiss!!!

I can’t think of them all…but most important to me is nothing being said about me being less than my husband..No no no no no!

Post # 84
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Ahh!  And about the garter and bouqet toss…not sure that we’ll do it just simply because we’re shy.

But our visions of this include every person at the wedding participating…so nothing about it being about who’s next to get married, more about catching some of our bridal love and happiness and a gift card πŸ™‚

Post # 85
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@EastMeetsBarn:  I’m surprised by a previous post from someone who states she’s not a feminist.  Are there really women who don’t believe that women and men are equal?  Really?

πŸ™ Yes. But mostly women who say they aren’t feminist don’t like the stigma feminism carries, though they probably are feminists when looking at the definition of the word. Then again, some people believe in traditional gender roles, believe in the religious roles of women submitting to their husbands, etc.

Post # 86
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

– We will have equal/the same vows, with no mention of having to “obey”.  Marriage is a partnership, and we’re grown adults. 

 

– The ceremony will be secular, not a traditional Catholic wedding as both of our families want.  I refuse to get married in a church or by an officiant who does not believe in equality for all.  Besides, the last Catholic wedding I went to, the priest went on and on about the bride having to be fruitful and make lots of babies.  I would be absolutely livid if that happened during my wedding :-

 

–  No garter or bouquet toss.  They’re tacky, anyways.

 

–  FI did not ask permission from my father before proposing to me.  

 

–  I will be taking his last name, but I see it more as a unification of the two of us.

 

–  My mom wants me to wear a veil, but I’m fighting her on this.  I’m not a fan of how they look, but it might change once I see it paired with a dress.

 

What’s great about being a feminist is that we have the choice to do what we want for our wedding ceremonies, whether it’s adhering to tradition or not doing anything traditional at all.  For me, it’s important to have the wedding on both me and my fiance’s terms, not anybody else’s.  It’s our marriage, not our family’s, and not society’s.  

Post # 87
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

Veil (but more so for style than for feminist reasons) and bouquet/garter. I didn’t looka t my father walking me down the aisle as him “giving me away” so much as him escorting me to one of the most important moments of my life and supporting my choice.

Post # 88
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

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@Roe:  Most women don’t know what feminism really is. They believe the conservative myth that feminists are crazy, overzealous women who want to propell women ahead of mena dn throw the world into a flag and bar burnign anarchy.

Post # 89
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I skipped the garter toss and bouquet toss.  I hated nothing more than going to other people’s weddings and having to be called out for being single and having to engage in that crap.

Post # 90
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

No proposal.

No engagement ring, unless she chooses to buy one for herself at some point.

I won’t be wearing a wedding ring, but she can buy and wear one if she wants to.

No name change.

Everything else is up to her.

 

Post # 91
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

My father didn’t give me away, and I told my now husband that if he ‘asked permission’ from either of my parents to marry me, I’d say no on principle. And I was dead serious. Thankfully he knows what’s good for him πŸ˜‰

I didn’t do garter toss, all those silly dances, didn’t change my name (I refused to be introduced as “Mr and Mrs John Smith” too… I have a name damnit and it isn’t Mrs John Smith), none of this horrible “obey” stuff in vows, nobody giving me away etc.

 

On a side-note, I’m always baffled to see people (especially women) say “I’m so not feminist”… to me that’s just so sad πŸ™ People seem to think feminism is just for lesbians, political actovists, and women who don’t shave their legs. Feminism is about equality for both sexes, how can someone be against that?

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