Post # 1
Bees, I’m a little disheartened by the realities of being the second wife. I have no children and have been desperately longing for a baby with my husband for years (as in, I had baby fever before we were even married). He has talked at length about how much he wants to have a child with me. He proposed on Mother’s Day because he wanted the symbolic association there when he told me he wanted me to be the mother of his children. He’s told me all about how beautiful he thinks pregnant women are and how sexy I’ll be when I’m pregnant. We started talking about baby names not long after we got engaged.
I have waited so patiently for so long–for him to propose, for us to get married, for me to get settled into my new job (which included a significant raise), and for nature to take its course. I was so excited to tell him I was finally pregnant and I kind of feel like I have reason to expect him to share in that excitement. He was pretty meh about the whole thing.
He has two kids with his cheating alcoholic ex-wife, so this is nothing new to him. I had hoped that he would be excited about the prospect of raising a child with a functioning adult and that this would be a different enough experience that he could get excited about the newness of it. I thought he would be one of those husbands who dotes on me, going to OB appointments and rubbing my belly and tearing up when we hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time, but I’m getting an indication that I’m pretty much alone here. I’m hoping that once the baby is born, he’ll fall in love with it and show some kind of emotion. Even if he doesn’t, he’s a stand-up guy and he’ll do his part. I just really wanted to share this whole experience with him, especially since he was so excited about his first wife’s pregnancies. I could understand his nonchalance if this were our third kid, but this really stings.
Have any of you had a husband who went gaga over the first mother of his children but was kind of indifferent to you when you were pregnant? Did he come around? What would you do to make this experience seem new and exciting for him and get him involved in preparing for a baby? It’s just so hurtful that he shared that meaningful experience with that bitch and has nothing left for me.
Post # 2
I don’t have kids but every pregnancy is different and imo every wanted child is a blessing so there’s no reason he shouldn’t be an attentive partner whether this was his 1st or 15th child he should be doing his best to support you because you didn’t get pregnant by yourself. Have you talked to him about how you feel? I don’t think that he “has nothing left” for you but if his ex is that big of a mess then maybe he’s just tired of parenting in general so it’s not as exciting to him but I still do not think that is right or fair to you and your baby. Maybe he just needs things put into focus.
Post # 3
Just for some perspective, how long have you been married, and how long ago was it that he discussed how much he wanted a child with you? It’s strange that he was so excited to get you pregnant – and now nothing. What do you think changed?
For what it’s worth, I am also a second wife (and never married previously), so I do understand your feelings around things being ‘new’ for you, but old news for him. We don’t have kids, but when we were planning the wedding, I was really insecure about the fact he had already done it before. I had to basically suck it up realize everyone has a little baggage. It also helped when he explained the first time he was too young, felt pressure from her family and simply wasn’t ready. When he proposed to me – he KNEW what marriage was all about, he was mature and felt ready – and he was sure he wanted it with me.
Post # 4
Do you think it’s possible you’ve been fantasizing this scenario and became disappointed when he didn’t react the way you expected? I’ve seen in many wedding boards where the bride was upset the groom was not as excited to plan the wedding as she was but it didn’t mean he wasn’t excited to be married. Maybe he shows his excitement a different way? Try to invite him to these appointments and if he makes excuses to not go then you have your answer, sit down and talk to him about how you feel. and since his last marriage seemed to be so toxic, I’m sure he’s excited to be sharing this pregnancy with you.
Post # 5
I’m sure I didn’t fantasize him telling me he wanted a child with me. We had this conversation so many times to make sure we were on the same page.
Obviously I knew this wouldn’t be his first time and I’ve already mourned the fact that I can’t give him anything someone else hasn’t given him (well, except stability, sanity, fidelity, a second income), but I thought that having a baby with me would be special since we’re actually in love. He had to marry his first wife because she trapped him by getting pregnant and he now has this perverse reverence for her because she’s the mother of his children. The way he talks about her and how miraculous parenting was and how having children was the only good thing in his life kind of makes me queasy. I just wish he would treat me at least as well as he treated her, especially given that I didn’t force this on him and I deserve a whole lot more respect than what I’m getting.
When I asked him why he was being so weird, he said that once I give birth and the baby is healthy and the paternity test comes back (!!!!), he’ll be happy.
I don’t even really need anything from him now. I feel good, I don’t have morning sickness or any other really troubling symptoms, and I can handle the prep work if I need to. I just want him to, like, give me a hug or high five or something and stop acting like a tricked him into knocking me up. Jesus.
Post # 6
I don’t think it has anything to do with you being the second wife, or a display of negative character traits in your husband. I’ve occasionally, well more like rarely but can’t say NEVER, have seen a man rubbing his wife’s belly in the OB’s office and showing ultrasound pics to all his buddies. I mean, maybe one thing like that, but not this all around totally 100% consumed with a pregnancy like the woman is. I’ve heard a saying that a woman becomes a mother at conception and a man becomes a father at the birth. Most ARE genuinely excited! There’s just still a bit of a disconnect until the baby actually arrives. Furthermore, many men have that extremely close fatherly bond as the child gets even older. Not as much as a baby. This doesn’t mean they don’t feel crazy love for the baby, they just may bond more as the child begins to have more ways to connect, games, activities, etc. whereas the mother seems to have a stronger bond right from the start at infancy. I’m not stereotyping, nor am I saying all dads lack involvement, etc. I’m just sharing what I’ve witnessed over the years with many really great men and how they react to fatherhood. You did mention though that he went all gaga over his first wife’s pregnancies. Did he say how he was super involved and excited or you’re just assuming he was? Maybe the newness was exciting the first time and then he realized it’s not all unicorns and rainbows because he’s done it before. That doesn’t lessen the excitement with your pregnancy, he might’ve just been naturally naive during the first go around! Parenting is super hard. Rewarding, but hard. I suggest you try to enjoy your pregnancy the best you can. Know that if your husband has children and still wanted to have more with you, than it’s a beautiful thing he truly cared to share children with you. Try to focus on the positive things he does and honestly I’d attempt to forget about his ex wife’s situation. He’s here with you now, he loves you and wants your baby. I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy!
Post # 7
aclockworklilac : I’m sure I didn’t fantasize him telling me he wanted a child with me. We had this conversation so many times to make sure we were on the same page.
I think what PP is referring to is: I thought he would be one of those husbands who dotes on me, going to OB appointments and rubbing my belly and tearing up when we hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time
Which it sounds like you did make up this fantasy in your head.
What I take from your posts is a LOT of anger directed towards his ex. That seems really…off IMO. I think you are mad at your husband and somehow blaming her for being first. All your posts are digs at the ex wife. You sound really insecure and petty with these comments tbh.
I had hoped that he would be excited about the prospect of raising a child with a functioning adult
It’s just so hurtful that he shared that meaningful experience with that bitch and has nothing left for me
I thought that having a baby with me would be special since we’re actually in love. He had to marry his first wife because she trapped him
The way he talks about her … makes me queasy.
I didn’t force this on him
Post # 8
You seem to have left quite a bit out…. did he say he wasn’t happy about the pregnancy? How far along are you? You’re kind of making vague accusations rather than actually painting a picture of what he’s doing & saying.
From what you’re putting out here, it seems as if thoug expected him to be over the top… and he’s just being normal
Post # 9
Once the paternity test comes back?? Is this for real or are you just being sarcastic? I think I’d be more concerned about that than the fact he isn’t doing cartwheels.
Also, I don’t think the PP meant you ‘fantasized’ Or imagined him saying he wanted a child. She meant have you been fantasizing and dreaming about some big huge reaction that was never going to happen.
In any case, I’m still wondering – how long have you been married, and what is the time between when he was initially excited and now? If it was very recent, I would say something is up and you need to investigate. But if it’s been a few years and he’s dealing with stuff from wife #1, maybe he’s calmed down a little.
Post # 10
Sorry just clearing up what I said. I meant fantasizing scenarios where he’s tearing up in appointments and such, the way they do in movies (we all want that!) Of course you didn’t fantasize your conversation lol.
Anyway the paternity test comment is insulting. What’s he implying? Why can’t he be happy now? And he needs to stop talking about his ex if it makes you uncomfortable.
Post # 11
aclockworklilac : once I give birth and the baby is healthy and the paternity test comes back (!!!!)
Post # 12
It’s not that he “has nothing left for you. It’s not like there’s a limited well of emotions and his has run dry. A man is perfectly capable of loving his children equally, no matter how many he has and if he’s not showing that love now it’s not the fault of his extant kids or his ex.
You need to talk to him and tell him that you feel alone in your pregnancy and need support. If he’s a good, loving partner and father to be, he’ll apologize and step up. And if not, the problem is HIM. Not her.
Post # 13
Paternity test??!! Wait… does he think the baby isn’t his or might not be? Because that would certainly explain his being reserved about it all..
Post # 14
Well, he’s told me many times about how amazing becoming a father was and, again, that the only thing that has really mattered to him in his adult life was his kids. He has a major pregnancy fetish that he’s told me about many times, too. We started TTC about 3 months ago and every time we’ve gotten it on since then he’s made some comment in the sack about how he hopes he gets me pregnant this time. So, I really really really thought he wanted this. (I tend to take people at their word and “I can’t wait to make a baby with you” is NOT something a normal person says if it doesn’t mean anything.
On one level, I get why he would want a paternity test after what he’s been through. His second child is not his, but the ex-wife fooled him. So, I can understand him being cautious–but I don’t get why it’s just coming up now. I haven’t given him any reason not to trust me. Work has been crazy because of a huge project over the past month and I have been working late. Alone. By myself. In an empty building. I know myself well enough to know that if he forces me to go through my first (and likely only) pregnancy on my own and then gets all lovey dovey in 7 months or so when he finds out that this kid really is his, it will be too late for us. I don’t know if I can be iced out for that long during the most exciting and vulnerable time in my life and then come back from that. I especially resent being treated like shit for something that his worthless ex-wife did.
Post # 15
And, yes, he literally said he is demanding a paternity test. THAT WAS HIS FIRST STATEMENT WHEN I TOLD HIM THE HAPPIEST NEWS I HAVE EVER TOLD ANYONE.