Calling all second wives — how do you keep it special?

posted 9 months ago in Pregnancy
Post # 31
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

aclockworklilac :  you’re avoiding questions. How old are the 2 of you? 

You know how we keep it special, myself being a second wife? My husband didn’t and doesn’t DARE ask me for a paternity test. 

Post # 32
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

Honestly the paternity test thing has such different responses to what I would expect, there is plenty of research that suggests somewhere between 1% and 10% are raised by fathers who believe they are biologically related to their children when they are not. I personally feel paternity tests should be mandatory for all pregnancies and will be insisting upon them myself. I don’t think we should ignore reality in the name of love especially in this scenario where the man has been hoodwinked before. I do however agree it shouldn’t have been the very first thing he said and feel for OP on this. 

Post # 33
Member
5563 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You will be insisting on a paternity test for yourself?? hartless :  

Post # 35
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Why? Unless you’re in an open relationship or having affairs wouldn’t you know who fathered your child. My husband has never questioned paternity of our children as he knows there is no other possible father … unless I’m some modern day Mary of course hartless :  

Post # 36
Member
5563 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

In case you have been sleeping around?  I don’t understand why you would “insist” that you yourself have a paternity test within a marriage. Do you plan on sleeping with several people while ttc?

This sounds like such a red pill comment.

hartless :  

Post # 37
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

zzar45 :  No I don’t but due to my beliefs on mandatory testing due to the sheer number of male vicitms who unknowingly raise children they believe to be their own who are not it would be hypocritical of me to not hold myself to the same standards. It is not red pill to acknowledge facts.

Post # 38
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I haven’t read all the comments but I doubt it’s to do with you being a second wife. My husband is an incredible father and wanted kids more than me but he wasn’t excited when he found out I was pregnant or bothered about attending any appointments. I think it just wasn’t real for him until the baby actually arrived and he didn’t want to get too attached to the idea in case anything went wrong.

I would however be pissed about being asked for a paternity test. aclockworklilac :  

Post # 39
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Agree – my husband wanted kids but until im very pregnant he isn’t as ‘into’ the baby as me. It just isn’t real to him at the early stages. 

 

Post # 40
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Not wanting to thread jack, but if you’re married in the UK then the husband is the legal father of the child regardless of biology.  Yes some men raise children that aren’t their own, yes that’s not ideal, but seems a waste of time and money to have a paternity test you know you don’t need. hartless :  

Post # 41
Member
8321 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

OP said something like  husband raised his children to adulthood/through college, so l think we may assume he is not a partularly young man, presumably in his forties at least. 

 Apart from the awfulnesss of the ‘paternity test response’  to the pregnancy announcement, (which l guess he can be forgiven for having on his mind, given his past experience – though NOT as first response of course) it’s entirely possible that all the fetshistic pregnancy stuff coexists with a horror of actually doing all that sleeplessness/nappies/car seats/earaches etc etc . Even IF he was as wonderful at it as he implies he was the first time.

This all sounds dreadful OP, as pps have suggested, couples counselling sounds utterly necessary.

In the meantime, perhaps be rather careful of taking his word about the ex’s evilness. Yes you have seen her behaving badly, but l doubt she did it in a vacuum. 

 

 

Post # 42
Member
6325 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

aclockworklilac :  It sounds like you have a much bigger problem with your fiance, husband, what not than a “second wife” problem.

I was going to come on here and say it gets easier, but with the way your husband acts, I can’t guarantee it will.  He has a serious complex that MAKES you lower on the scale than her, that is constantly pushing you down.

I have a Mother-In-Law that will do that to me, made me feel less than because I didn’t have a kid with him and she’s still in our lives (we’re good friends, so obviously having his ex in my life doesn’t bother me).  But when your husband is doing it…. that’s horrible.  You can’t escape that.

Post # 43
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

I just had a flashback to when my narcissistic ex husband was ranting about how he would demand a paternity test in the hospital.  I was horrified and insulted.  Should have run screaming but for some reason stuck around…

Luckily he dropped that idea once our son was born but he was a terrible emotionally and verbally abusive father.

Early in the relationship he would say things like “it would be so fun to make babies with you”. Because that’s what narcissists do – they love bomb and tell you what you want to hear.  But looking back it was a little creepy to say a few weeks in!

I’m sure when he talks to women now about our son he says being a father is the best thing to happen to him and he loves him more than anything.  When it reality he once told me that our son had been like a “cancer” in his life and had no interest in spending time with him until I left.

And I’m also sure he tells everyone about how “crazy” I am.  Being with someone like that can definitely make you act crazy!

Just saying we may not have the whole story here and the fact that his first reaction to pregnancy announcement was a paternity test is a huge red flag.  

Also curious your ages, how long you’ve been together and if you were actively trying to get pregnant or if he maybe thought you were still on birth control.

I think couples therapy is in order.

Post # 44
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

There’s so much bizarre drama, no clue how to unpack here. Sounds like there’s a substantial age difference between you and your husband. And it sounds like your partner likes and attracts drama, so don’t see that changing. You both need counseling.  

And your husband may not be the biological father of one of his kids, but he is the father. I sincerely hope that hasn’t altered his relationship with his child. If so, that would be despicable. He raised his child, it’s his.

 

Post # 45
Member
12119 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“ I wish it hadn’t been the first thing he said to me “

You think? Wake up, OP. As far as I’m concerned that is emotional abuse. 

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