Post # 46
He’s mid 50s and and I’m mid 30s. We’ve been together for 3 1/2 years and we’re actively TTC. It was the ex who lied about being on BC to trap him, not me. I am not that type of person. I think that’s a despicable thing to do to.
He still has a relationship with his kids and hasn’t even told the youngest that he isn’t biologically related. That’s a whole other issue because this kid won’t ever know his real family medical history, but he feels it’s the kindest thing to do re: his kid.
I still don’t blame him for wanting to be 100% sure, even though it is hurtful. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have your life stolen from you like that. I wish he’d had the sense to have a test done when his first kids were born. He could have left that horrible marriage years ago and had a much happier life (and we wouldn’t be sending her 1/3 of our income!) I just don’t think it’s possible to have a healthy, happy marriage with a partner who is addicted, repeatedly unfaithful, and verbally abusive.
And this is a little off topic, but I have to disagree with posters who argue that her behavior is somehow his fault. I see cheating as a character flaw, not a response to an unhappy marriage. If you’re that miserable, go to counseling or get out. Screwing a bunch of other people is never an option. Drinking yourself into a stupor on a daily basis is never an option. Abandoning a nursing infant for 4 days to go on a bender with your friends (that actually happened! Thank all the gods for formula!) is never an option. We really need to change that whole cultural narrative that excuses people for hideous behavior because they had a sadz. We all have problems, but most of us don’t self medicate with sex and drugs. He has some ownership in this because he married her, but I am just not buying the idea that a single person can turn a good woman into a monster.
Post # 47
And we did talk about it and get some clarification. I told him he would regret standing on the sidelines during this pregnancy when the baby was born and he hadn’t begun to emotionally connect with it or with me. I definitely deserve as much respect as he gave her (actually, I deserve more in my opinion because I waited for him to be ready). I think he understands now that he owes it to me to be present because, again, he chose this.
Post # 48
aclockworklilac : Everything you are holding as “facts” against his ex is hearsay.
“She lied about being on BC to trap him”
“She screwed a bunch of other people”
“She drinks herself into a stupor on a daily basis”
“She abandoned a nursing infant for 4 days to go on a bender with her friends”
…(That actually happened! Thank all the gods for formula!) – Were you there? How do you know that any of this actually happened? Sure, you have witnessed how this woman behaves now, over the last 3.5 years. But she was married to your husband for 20+ years. You are referring to events that happened 20 years ago as if you were there in person.
Given your husband’s disgusting behavior, I think you need to take a serious look at your relationship. As another poster mentioned, this sounds very much like the behavior of a narcissist. I dated one and he talked about getting me pregnant/having a family all of the time, very early on the in the relationship. He even named our future hypothetical kids. That is not ‘normal’ male behavior and is another red flag.
Post # 49
aclockworklilac : I think the reason for the ex-wife’s behavior is neither here nor there. You are 100% correct–some people are just an a****** and it doesn’t have to be someone else’s fault. Since you are an internet stranger and no one knows the whole story, I am going to assume that is the case with the ex-wife.
I have no issue with age differences in relationships. That said, starting over with a new baby in your 50’s is a huge deal. I’m going to reiterate what I posted earlier–your husband sounds like he is still traumatized from his first marriage and all its deception, and the pregnancy is bringing some of that forward. If he will not seek couple’s counseling together, he definitely needs to see someone himself. Going back to people being responsible for their own behavior, he needs to own his callous behavior towards you and realize his history with the ex doesn’t excuse it.
Good luck to you both, and congrats on the new baby! Hopefully it will end up being an exciting, happy time for you both.
Post # 50
- Wedding: January 2017 - Maui, Hawaii
If my husband demanded a paternity test immediately upon learning I was pregnant, I’d be concerned he was projecting. I don’t think that’s normal behavior in a committed monogamous relationship when presumably he has no reason to believe you have cheated, regardless of what another partner did in the past.
Post # 51
I’m sorry OP but that comment about the paternity test is F’d up. Like I get that he has trust issues from his previous marriage and that she contributed to those issues but at the end of the day, those are HIS issues and his issues to deal with alone. He should be in counseling dealing with them and not dragging your mental health into it. He should be supportive like you want but he can’t get there without help. He should want to prove to you that he’s over his previous relationship abuse and that he’s all in for you. Until that happens I can only predict a lot of resentment being bred from this situation. Hopefully he treats your baby right but integrating new family members doesn’t always go so well but that’s a whole other topic for another day… best of luck OP, hopefully things get better for you and your family
Post # 52
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
“I just don’t think it’s possible to have a healthy, happy marriage with a partner who is addicted, repeatedly unfaithful, and verbally abusive.”
The same goes when your partner doesn’t trust you, as in asking for a paternity test the second you get pregnant.
You are stressing how responsible, faithful, productive, and whatnot you are; however, the guy doesn’t really trust you any more than he trusted her.
All that bs you say about him having all the babies tested to be sure they were his, avoiding his life being taken away, is just that. BS. Healthy and happy relationship don’t work that way. Your relationship has “unhealthy” written all over it.
Post # 53
aclockworklilac : How pregnant are you? You’ve been TTC for 3 months, so you’re maybe a few weeks pregnant at best? Has he even had time to cry at ultrasounds and such?
Post # 54
princessandthepear : “Everything you are holding as “facts” against his ex is hearsay.”
My thoughts exactly (and this is coming from someone whose SO’s ex-wife had multiple confirmed affairs and left him for her AP).
Post # 55
You’ve got to manage your expectations especially as it comes to how others respond to events. I didn’t even cry at hearing my baby’s heartbeat and I’m the one carrying him. Doesn’t mean I’m any less excited than the next mom. Just express myself differently.
The paternity test thing is ridiculous, so I wish you good luck in dealing with that. I’d probably never forgive my husband if he fixed his mouth to say something like that to me.
Post # 56
I’ve been with a guy that had pregnancy fetish (not my current FI) and a lot of the ‘talk’ about being pregnant is just that! It turns them on to think and talk about pregnancy, fertility and big baby bellies etc. and likely he’ll be much more ‘into’ your pregnancy once you’re showing. In a way he’s probably trapped you so he can live out his sexual fantasies with your pregnancy.
I get that he was burned by his ex but you need to let go of the bitterness. The paternity test comment was asinine and I’d be getting to couples counselling for that.
Post # 57
aclockworklilac : “We really need to change that whole cultural narrative that excuses people for hideous behavior because they had a sadz.”