(Closed) Calling it off??

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Yikes. Feel free to message me, I can relate to parts of that, but I don’t wanna post it here…

Post # 4
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It can be tough to separate the “what bugs me” from the “what will eventually drive me to hate you.” 🙁 I don’t have a lot of advice on that one.

I can say though, as a Christian myself, my faith is such a huge part of my life, integral to so much – how I handle finances, how I want to raise my children, how I treat my family, the kind of jobs I will consider taking, the kinds of people I am friends with, really everything. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who didn’t not only support me in my faith, but also share it. That would be a deal breaker for me, to be perfectly honest.

It’s so hard, because you’ve been together for a while, and when things are more casual, you don’t really think about how will this person’s lack of faith affect the rest of my life? – you’re just thinking about wow, this guy is fun, and cute, and he makes me feel special! But as time moves on, and as you get closer to marriage, it honestly does become more important to consider if this is the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, and whether he can support you – all aspects of who you are – the way that spouses ought to support each other.

There are a lot of people in the world who do make interfaith marriages work, but I can only imagine it must be through a lot of sacrifice and compromise – you need to consider whether those are things you want to do regarding your faith.

It’s not an easy choice – and it won’t get any easier between now and April (assuming that’s when your wedding actually is :P). If you’re really unsure, would postponing the wedding be an option? It would be less harsh than breaking up all together, and might give you more time (and less of the we’re planning this wedding therefore we must go through with it pressure) to consider your options, your future, and what you really want out of this relationship, and out of your relationship with God.

Good luck! I’ll be praying for you.

Post # 5
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I will also message you:). much love to you.

Post # 6
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@ddw: Your post said everything I wanted to say 🙂

To the OP, you will also be in my prayers.

Post # 7
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ddw: Excellent post! I will be praying as well. OP, would individual counseling be an option? I think this may be beneficial.

Post # 8
105 posts
Blushing bee

Wishing all the best to you OP.  It is such a hard position to be in (I’ve been there).  Have you checked out ConsciousWeddings.com and ConsciousTransitions.com?  Both might help you figure what are YOUR fears, and what are fears directly related to you and your Fiance.  Feel free to message me.  I wish you all the best.  It will get better.

Post # 9
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

My heart goes out to you and I sincerely hope you can find a solution to your troubles.

I will simply add that my DH’s parents divorced when he was very very young and one of the major reasons his mother left his father was because he was not a practicing Christian. She was very devout in her faith and it bothered her very much that he would not attend church with her or be as Christian as she wanted him to be.

He was and still is an outstanding man with his morals and values well in place. I have never known a more pure soul, but being Christian was important enough to her to leave her husband for another and break up her son’s family. These breaks have not been repaired to this day and there is much suffering.

I wish to emphasize to you how important these decisions are that you are making and how many lives and families they can affect. Be sure you are 100% of your answer to the following question: if my fiance’s faith is not as strong as mine, can I fault him enough to leave him? Is lack of faith in Christ something he does to hurt you or not his fault?

Post # 10
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

From reading that little bit, what stood out to me more than religion differences was that you’ve lost faith in long term relationships, and no wonder with all your “relationship role models” splitting. I think you should focus on that, either in individual counseling or in your couple counseling, rather than your FI’s religion.

What specifically about him not being Christian bothers you?

I wonder if you’re just getting cold feet?

(And from personal experience, my Fiance is agnostic, he’s a History major and believes the Bible is just a bunch of stories with no real meaning. It’s hard, but he doesn’t have a problem with me raising our children in God and is overall a wonderful man despite his disbelief.)

Post # 11
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It’s important to be equally-yolked. If you and your Fiance are not equally-yolked, in God’s eyes you are not supposed to be able to get married with “his blessing.”

This is a talk Fiance and I had as well and I think it opened his eyes to a lot of things. He had been baptized at a young age and had to find his faith again. Our relationship has been a lot better ever since. 

Post # 13
4582 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry to hear you’re having doubts about your relationship. I am actually in the reverse of your situation. My fiance had a very strong Christian upbringing (his father is a pastor) and it has remained a very important part of his life. I was raised by Agnostic parents so, while I have good morals and strive to be the best person I can be, I don’t expect I’ll ever be able to convert to Christianity.

My fiance and I have had numerous discussions about our differences over the years and came close to ending our relationship at two different points. Both times, we just couldn’t pull the trigger because we love each other too much. So, when he finally proposed, I was ecstatic but I’ve since had that nagging feeling that maybe we’re not making the right choice.

We fully support each other’s ideas. He hasn’t tried to convert me, but I’ve willingly offered to try going to church with him (when he finally starts going again – not my fault that he stopped) and I got my own copy of the Bible because I’ve never actually read it and I’m curious. He knows this doesn’t mean my ideas are going to change, but I try my best to be supportive.

The difference in belief has hardly ever been an issue for us in daily life. My only concern lies in how we will raise our children. I’ve agreed to let him take them to church and teach them about his faith, but to ultimately allow them to make their own choices about what to believe. The thing that bothers me is knowing I won’t play an active role in such a huge part of my child’s life, and I worry that, should my kids choose to stick with Christianity, that they will somehow think less of me for not believing the same things. I’m still trying to come to terms with all of this.

Anyhow, I’m sorry for the novel! I just want you to know I think it’s normal to have some doubts about differences in something as important as this. I think the counseling is a good idea, but I feel that in the end, only you can decide if this is a deal breaker or if your love is strong enough to withstand your differences.

Post # 15
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

@green_bees: Again, I’m a Christian and my Fiance isn’t, and I don’t think it’s a huge deal. I’ve had some counseling about it though, so maybe that’s helped me become secure in my decision.

Post # 16
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@green_bees: As a non-Christian, I might feel that perhaps a copy of the Bible as a gift might be a little much. I completely understand where you are coming from in giving it, but I am confident you have copies of the Bible in your home and so if he wished to spend time with the Bible he certainly could without having his own copy.

But who knows! I don’t know your Fiance so perhaps he would be very happy to receive it.

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