(Closed) Calling it quits..before even starting

posted 7 years ago in TTC
Post # 47
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow, it really stinks that he waited until after getting married to tell you such a big thing. Especially since you mentioned that it would basically be a dealbreaker before you two even got married. I don’t really know what constructive advice to give, but I hope that you and your DH can come to some type of compromise.

Post # 48
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@Zhabeego: A lot of people just assume that they will want and be ready for kids at some point in the future. It’s not that they actively don’t want kids it’s that they think they don’t want them right now or just aren’t ready yet. Then they reach a point when they realize it’s not something they want. That they won’t ever want or be ready for.

And that’s fine.  But then you need to be 100% honest with yourself and your partner from the beginning that you are uncertain on the topic of kids.  If you are “just assuming” you will EVENTUALLY want them, and you are not absolutely certain that you DO IN FACT want children, you should never, ever lead someone to believe that you do.

OP, I don’t really have any advice that hasn’t already been given, so let me just say that I am so sorry you are going through this, and that I wish you the best, whatever decision(s) you make.

Post # 50
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@WishfulThinker:  It just feels like you’re justifying it now because this is more of a reality for you than you first realized. 

I’m sorry i’m coming across as negative nancy, I just hate that it happened to you, and really, I can see myself in your shoes if that were to happen to me.

You didn’t post on the bee because you didn’t want kids either and he said no, you posted because it effected you to the point that you needed support…which I think shows how much you DID want kids.

Again i’m sorry it happened to you….but I feel like you’re changing your mindset based on the cold hard fact that if you DO keep with your mentality, you will lose him.

Post # 52
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@WishfulThinker:  The only constant in life is change. Sometimes people change their minds or they tell us something we want to hear to avoid any fallout. I’m not sure which is true of your husband, but either way the decision is simple: either you want a baby so bad that you will leave him and find someone to have a baby with, or you love him more than the desire to have a baby.

For me, the choice is clear. I want a life partner and I could take or leave having kids. Kids move out, my partner is forever. I’d never leave him if he didn’t want kids. I’d just say, “Bora Bora then?” 😀 Seriously though, it is better he told you now than after you conceive. I wouldn’t want to have a kid with a man who didn’t want one and would end up resenting the kid…and me.

It depends how strong your need for this is, but it doesn’t sound like you were particularly convinced either way.  

Post # 53
Hostess
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@Miss Apricot:  I’m glad you got the point I was trying to make. Definitely a bit more clear than my attempt. 

OP, I’m sorry this is happening. That’s what it boils down to.

Post # 54
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First, sending some hugs your way. 

 

I understand the grieving thing, even if you do make the choice for yourself, you can always grieve something that might have been.

My DH told me that he would absolutely NOT have kids when we first met. I’ve always been a take-it-or-leave-it person, and there’s many reasons why I’m better off not having kids. Plus, with an awesome little niece and nephews, I could easily get my ‘kid fix.’

Well, life just likes to upset the balance sometimes, and without going into the details, major family drama happened and I am now completely cut out of the lives of my niece and nephews. In addition to grieving that, it made me start to wonder if I actually did want a kid of my own. 

I think it just will take time to come to peace with things. Give yourself space to grieve. That’s what I’m having a hard time with, because I feel like it is something that I want my DH to understand, but he just can’t. And I don’t want to share these feelings with anyone else, because I don’t want friends thinking that he is keeping me from having something that I want. So, it is a bit of a lonely process, one that I haven’t figured out yet. 

Post # 55
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry! I hope everything works out for you. 🙁 

Post # 56
Member
1774 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Sending prayers your way!

Post # 57
Member
7309 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

A lot of posters are making him out to be quite the villan, so I want to talk about this from the perspective of being the partner who changed her mind after the wedding. We had a plan. We would raise my DS for 5 more years, send him off to college and the adult world, and then indulge in a childfree lifestyle with lots of travel and a fat savings account and lots of nice extras whenever we wanted them. It was going to be awesome, and we were both fully committed to this plan. And then, in a matter of 1 week, I had a radical change of heart. I spent 15 years absolutely positive that having another child would be the worst thing ever. I was absolutely confident in our plan, and that all changed in a very sudden shift. It DOES happen. Poor Mr. LK, who was totally on board with the no LO plan, is still reeling from my change of heart. My change of heart has caused him enormous stress and angst, and has created a huge source of friction in our marriage. I feel horrible about it. If I could change my mind again and go back to our original plan just to save him the stress, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t, and we are just going to have to keep working on it. It’s HARD to be on opposite sides of an issue, but in a marriage people work things out. That’s what marriage is… working through the hard stuff together.

OP- Try to be patient and gentle with each other. You are both hurting and stressed. Take it one day at a time, and keep the lines of communication completely open. We are 6 months out from my change of heart, and every day brings its own challenges. I wish I could say that we’ve “fixed” it, but it’s an ongoing thing.

Post # 58
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@WishfulThinker:  My heart breaks for you! I can’t imagine being in your situation. I strongly second a lot of the Bees on here that suggested that you and DH see a counsellor. It’s so easy for us to sit here and tell you what you should do, but I think you need to to really assess how important it is/was for you to have a family. Personally, I have maintained my entire life that if I was unable to mother a child, my life wouldn’t feel complete and as much as I love my DH with every piece of my heart, if he were to wake up tomorrow and drop a bomb shell like that on me, I’m not sure where our relationship would take us. I second what a Bee said earlier, I really hope that you aren’t changing your mind and sacrificing your dream for the fear of losing him. I pray that everything works out for you!

Post # 59
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Ugh. OP… I’m afraid I’m going to have to be one of the bad guys who ****s on your cornflakes here…

I understand the coflict, the pain and the misery… he lied because he didn’t want to lose you, and now you don’t want to lose him…

I can tell you now that I have never known a couple to stay together when one of them wants children and the other doesn’t. Ever. It’s a sure fire way to resentment and misery for all involved. That is a horrible thing for me to say, but I would be doing you a diservice if I lied to you. All the love in the world can’t compensate for a difference of opinion about something so fundamental.

I very much doubt that counselling will help. You say one thing and he says another. There is no compromise. You can’t have half a baby! It’s all or nothing. Ultimatums won’t work either… that’s another sure fire way to cause resentment in the long term! You also cannot assume that your partner will eventually change their mind… I had someone close to me spend years and years with a partner because she was convinced that he would want children one day. He never did, and she spent over ten years of her life (her most fertile years) waiting. It split them up in the end… he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t enough for her, and she didn’t understand why he wouldn’t give her the one thing she felt would make her life complete, when it was in his power to do so. They tried really hard to make it work… but it never could.

The only solution here is time… healing time. You can do this in your marriage or out of it… but personally, I would not spend more than a year waiting for him to change his mind. If you decide to do this, don’t tell him “I’ll only hang about for a year” because that is a threat, and it isn’t fair. Just have that timeline in the back of your mind whilst you consider your options. Don’t hang on indefinitely without any resolution to this… it’s painful for you, and everyone around you.

This is one of those things where there really aren’t any bad or good guys… but where the prognosis for the relationship is pretty dire despite this, to be honest. I’m sorry I have to be the one laying it out like this… once more… sorry.

Post # 60
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Rachel631:  Well said. 

Post # 61
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

This is a story I don’t tell, but  20 minutes before I told my husband I was pregnant, he told me he didn’t want kids anymore. He had just come home and was literally in tears about his realization– because we too had the talk many times in 7 years that we would have kids. He kept saying he knew I’d be a great mom but he didn’t think he could be a dad. Well, when I took him upstairs to show him his “you’re a daddy” gift, he continued crying and he told me he was so scared… but happy, too. We had a rough first trimester, but I’m 33 weeks pregnant now, and he tells me all the time how excited he is for her to be born.

My point is… he could change his mind again. You are still “young” in baby-making terms. I’m 27, too, and I thought I was “getting up there,” but I totally could have waited and been happy.

My husband had told me before that he was unsure about kids, but always ended up on the side of yes, we will have kids. I had spent some time thinking about what if he doesn’t want kids– or what if we can’t get pregnant. I had gotten to the point that I was okay with that. He is who I want to share my life with, and that was that for me. …clearly we ended up with an oops, but she’s loved all the same. 

 

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