(Closed) Calling it quits..before even starting

posted 7 years ago in TTC
Post # 62
6518 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@WishfulThinker:  I am sorry that you have to deal with this.

But I would take the advice of PP’s and consider counseling.

I am not pregnant yet and I don’t have any children, but DH and I have had plenty of talks and know that when we take that step we will be giving up a lot (traveling, going out to dinner etc) You can still travel but not as often. You can go out to dinner, but not as often. But you have to WANT to sacrifice all those things

Post # 63
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

OP, if you really want to stay with him, is he open to possibly adopting an older child? A lot of his concerns (childcare, eating at nice restaurants, travel) seem like baby-and-toddler specific issues. Of course, if his concerns are more financial than logistical, than my idea isn’t really a solution and adoption has it’s own unique challenges. And you would both really have to want it because it would mess up the child if both parents are kind of half-assing it. But personally, I think you are really struggling to be ok with this new plan and I just wanted to throw out another idea.


Post # 64
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

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There’s nothing wrong with wanting kids.  There’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids.

There may be something wrong with wanting kids, marrying somebody who wants same, then changing your mind and expecting your partner to give up the dream of parenthood just to keep you… but it happens.

There is plenty wrong with knowing you absolutely don’t want kids and concealing that fact from your girlfriend/FI/wife who does want kids, but I’m not convinced that is what happened here.

Nobody has to be the bad guy.  What we have here is a compatibility issue.  She wants kids; he doesn’t.  I’m sorry if this is out of line, OP, because I don’t know you at all, but it really comes across like you’re trying to talk yourself into being okay without kids.  If you go to counseling you should go on your own to work through whether you could ever be fulfilled without experiencing motherhood, or whether you will grow resentful and always feel as if the life you dreamed of has passed you by.

Believe what he is telling you, as hard as it may be to hear.  Don’t sit around waiting for him to change his mind.  

Post # 65
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

At 33, I think he has some fears that he is really afraid to communicate. It might do him good to speak to someone he trusts. (Other than you. Like a best friend, mom, sister, brother, etc.) He might be afraid to be a father.

I had similar fears to what your DH has. DEEP DOWN INSIDE I wanted children but I was afraid mostly due to financial reasons but then some very personal reasons as well. (Felt like I won’t make a good mother.) Maybe your DH is feeling the same but is just too head strong because he feels the need to ‘man up’ and not let out his true/inner feelings. 

I don’t want to get your hopes up but it is worth figuring out what is the real issue here. Nearly everyone has the same problems that your DH is afraid of. If everyone else can work with them, then why can’t he? I think he is masking the real problem with these ones that he is telling you.

Post # 66
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@sailor:  +1

That’s definitely the point I was trying to make.  She’s trying to talk herself out  Of wanting kids. (In my opinion) 

Post # 67
6933 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Boy #1 12/2015, boy #2 02/2018

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@WishfulThinker:  I haven’t read all the posts, but could it be that he is worried of you having a baby (example: labor)? What about adoption?

Post # 68
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hi OP!  Any update? Hope all is well.

The topic ‘Calling it quits..before even starting’ is closed to new replies.

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