(Closed) Calling off an engagement?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like you are just upset because of the argument you just had. Is there anyway you can go away to think for a couple of days? You just need some time to sort of out your feelings and space and solitude would be good right now.

Post # 4
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Uhm… i know this is brought up too much over here but… why dont you guys go to couples counceling?

i mean.. you DO love him, don’t you? if you do i dont see why you dont want to work this out… unless you DONT realy love him but keep you saying to yourself that you do.

Things get hard, marriage (or living together) is not all sugar, rainbows and ponies.

Post # 5
Member
4893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

How long have you been thinking about this? Before the fight at all? If you have been, I think it’s a pretty good indicator that you’re somehow unhappy. If not, you could just still be angry about the fight. 

Post # 6
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@S2013:  I don’t think living together versus not has too much to do with it.  My husband and I lived together for 4 years before our wedding, 1 year of which we bought/owned a home.  I guess I still understand where you’re coming from… that it would be easier to break up versus break up/end engagement/move out/etc.

Can you share what this fight was about?  If you are seriously considering calling off the engagement and moving out, that’s a big decision…

Post # 7
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

You have to do what makes you happy in the end. No matter how sweet and nice he may be, if you are not happy it wont work. 

You both deserve to be happy, I hope you find that soon. 

Post # 8
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have those thoughts every now and then with my fiance – sometimes it seems as if we are so different, how will it ever work? Then I think “If we break up, I’ll have to move out. That’s a lot of hassle!” which is an incredibly stupid perspective, but I understand totally why that statistic around living together and divorce is so high.

I basically laid it all out for my fiance a few months ago – “I have certain goals in life, around work, home, family, travel, etc. So I want you to think about what you want out of life, and we’ll talk about this again in a week – if we can’t compromise, then that’s too bad.” I think it kinda scared him to have an ultimatum like that, and be given a week to think about the rest of his life (he sucks at imagining stuff, so it wasn’t easy for him at all!), and then to have a frank discussion about what we want and where we’re going. It really helped us, and it’s good now to know that I’m not going to marry him and he’ll suddenly say “But I don’t want to have kids for another 10-15 years!” because we’ve discussed this and what we want our timelines to be. There’s still a long way to go, but as long as we’re open and honest, I think it’ll be fine 🙂

Post # 9
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

we just have some serious issues as to what we’re looking for in life

this really stood out to me.  marriage has a lot of compromises but sometimes you can’t compromise on the non-negotiables.

you need to be on the same page when it comes to your future.  children and starting a family, finances, goals, etc. 

Post # 10
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

what you’re looking for in life is HUGE! you need to love the person AND your life together. you guys need to sort that out somehow before you get married.

i’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. ending a relationship is difficult, as is moving/uprooting your life. 😮

positive vibes your way… good luck.

Post # 12
Member
3585 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@S2013:  He is not a “catch” if he doesn’t value you and you don’t value what he values. That is a superficial way of looking at him.

Post # 14
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I see what you are saying. Even if a guy was good on paper if being with him meant I had to ” step down” I couldn’t do it. I guess it depends on your personality but I am a very strong person and it would feel soul crushing to have to bow down to a man over and over because his strong personality won out. 

Post # 15
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Yeah, my fiance is fantastic on paper – good looking, kind, sensitive, smart, great cook, good sense of humour… But I’ve still struggled with him and our goals, etc. As I said before, I think you and your fiance need to have a serious talk (easier said than done, I know!) and lay it all out on the table. What you both want out of life, what you like and dislike about each other, and see what you come away with. If it’s any help, try googling something like “Questions to ask before getting married,” and you should get a good idea of different things that can drive couples apart.

Also, as for the two dominant people in a relationship – that’s perfectly fine! In a marriage, you don’t have one person dominant over the other, and both are more than capable of being dominant if they have the same goals. I would describe it as two horses in harness – if they’re going in opposite directions, you’ll never get anywhere, but if they have the same goals, they can both be equally strong because they’re going the same way.

Post # 16
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It may be the case that you have to step down sometimes, and other times, he may have to step down. My Darling Husband and I are both very strong, independent people. There are certain situations I take control of, and there are certain situations he takes control of. I let him drive (“stepping down”) not because I really want him to drive all the time, but becasue he really likes driving the car. It makes him feel manly and in control. By CHOOSING to “step down”, I feel like I really don’t step down, kwim?

If, on the other hand, we fought about something and it was apparent that I would HAVE to step down or never hear the end of it, yeah I would be frustrated and considering the relationship.

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