(Closed) Calling off engagement and relationship of 9 years. I'm so heartbroken.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@butterfly1988:  I know how much you must be hurting right now.  Although i wasn’t engaged, ending an 8 year relationship was so incredibly difficult and heartbreaking.  However, sometimes you grow apart (esp when you start dating so young) and what lies ahead of you in life and love will be so much more than you could have ever imagined.  You’ll find someone who loves every ounce of who you are – and that is what you deserve! 

Post # 19
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh honey, yes you can and will get through this.

I recovered after being dumped from an 8 year realtionship. I am recovering from being forced to move from a home I dearly loved and lived in for 15 years. I also picked myself up and forced myself to live again after the death of my daughter, who was my only child.

You have literally grown up with this man, he is what you have centered yourself around for so long. Of course if the engagement gets called off you will be hurt and you will grieve. But if you decide that is best, you WILL survive and emerge a stronger person than ever before.

The important thing is that you are growing and becoming the woman you are meant to be. If your Fiance can’t accept that, then it is time to consider moving on. No one should marry someone with the expectation of changing them. He has to love YOU, not who he wants you to be.

You are way stronger than you think.

Post # 20
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@butterfly1988:  It’s a hard reality, but sometimes couples simply grow in different directions. It sucks right now, and you will likely feel like you wasted a huge chunk of your life with this person who will no longer be remaining in it. Try to see this relationship for what it is, you found someone you loved dearly for 10 years of your life, you grew and learned from eachother, and now it’s time to continue on your own separate paths in life. You will find someone else, and wonder how you ever could have lived without them, and life will go on. 

Hang in there, spend time with your friends and family and try to keep your mind off of everything.

Post # 21
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

you don’t need to be different. you can be you.

you have to accept that he id bored with you, so you can:

1: move on

2: change (in a good way) to distant yourself to become more attractive

 

when you are in a realtionship for a long time a man becomes comfortable, you pay him too much attention or he feels you love him so much you smother him.

oddly if you don’t pay him attention, hang out with friends, but still be nice, feel confident with who you are and not really care what he thinks. 9 time out of 10 he will crawl back.

or you could take this as a sign to move on and get someone better that will give you more than love, as you are very young still.

now, this is going to sound horrible. but we live in a horrible world. take pride in how you look, get your hair and nails done, buy new high grade makeup. Annnnd, if your fat then eat better and thats all that it will really take. men are simple creatures.

Post # 22
Member
464 posts
Helper bee

@butterfly1988:  I don’t have much advice, but I just want to send you lots of good vibes and HUGS! My heart breaks for you.

All I can say is do what feels right, and don’t blame yourself – people change a lot between 14 and 23, it’s natural! I’d suggest counseling, too, like several others suggested.

Post # 24
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

The worst is when you are with a good person, just not the right person. I think that is what Fiance is trying to tell you. He wants you to be Ms. Right because he loves and cares for you. But deep down inside, he knows that you two have grown into two different people.

And that is a good thing. The last thing you’d want to do is be 50 and look back and realize you werent your authentic self becuase you didnt want to rock the relationship boat. Pat yourself on the back for being able to grow and change while in a realtionship at a young age.

How do you go on, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. First you tell people, so you have some emotional support. Then you do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself– drink, eat (I find cake and ice cream fills the void) or whatever you need to do, for a little while. (DOnt want to turn into an over weight alcoholic LOL) Give yourself permission to cry every day. Be kind to yourself. Over time the pain will lessen and you will be stronger.

 

Post # 25
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@butterfly1988:  How difficult will it be for him to accept you if he loves you ?

Post # 26
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@butterfly1988:  

I have been going through the same thing for quite some time. My Fiance and I met when I was 16 years old and now I’m in my early 20’s. He is older than me and we have both changed during our relationship. It’s only natural. You have to grow up and people can’t always grow uptogether.

We have considered breaking up and actually did for a while. We are back together now but it is a fight everyday to get used to the new us. Honestly the things he says (about how I have grown up) hurt a lot. I often wish we would just break up so I could find someone to love the new me. But than other times I realize how perfect we are. We grew up together and it means we influenced the other person to grow up into what WE needed in a future partner.

Time apart helped us accept the changes in our relationship but some days I still question if it will work out and if we are wasting EVEN MORE time together.

23 is a new time in our lives. You will find someone to make you feel like the amazing women you are. 

Until then I would reccomend ben & jerry’s, sex and the city, sangria, and a long weekend in bed! Then when your ready give yourself a little make over and get out with the girls 😉 

Good luck and keep us updated. 

Post # 27
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

OP, I am so sorry you are going through all this. 9 years is a LONG time, and he is truly a part of your identity. You are very mature to realize that you have “grown into yourself.” It is true that people grow up, and grow apart. BUT it IS possible to grow and change together. My parents got married at 17 and 20. They are SO different now than they were then, but they toughed it out and learned to deal with one another’s changes.

I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. xo

Post # 28
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I broke up with the “love of my life” also at age 23. We were together 4 years… all I can tell you is, it will get better.

I cried for months, my body shut down and I lost like 30 pounds, I remember one day I only ate a single McDonalds French Fry. I depended on friends who listened to me talk about him over and over and over. One of my friends gave me the book”he’s just not that into you” (trying to help) and I threw up on the spot.

What I am telling you is, (if it doesnt work out, which is not a given) BUT if it doesnt, it will hurt like hell.. you will feel like you will never love anyone every again, it will feel like why even go on with the pain you are in, you wil ACHE…. and then you will stop crying one day…. a few months later, you will realize that you got through an entire day without thinking about him. Years later, you wont really care what he is up to or what he is doing. And a decade later (like I am now) you will be writing to a girl on wedding bee and be describing what you went through and your heart will be aching for this girl but you wont be able to really remember or access that hurt.

I am SO SORRY for you. I dont wish what you are going through on my worst nightmare. If you work it out then that is WONDERFUL. If not….. my advice is to cut ties completely. It will hurt more but you will heal faster and find that man that you truly deserve.

Post # 29
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Oh sweetheart *hugs*. I think that’s what you need most right now since everybody else has said everything I could ever say. My heart is breaking for you. Please know that I am here with an excellent ear. Keep us posted… And keep your head up.

Post # 30
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@butterfly1988:  *hugs* to you OP. I know it might not seem like it now, but you will get through this, I promise. Not only will you get through it, but you will learn so much from it, you will be stronger for it. It takes so much courage to even make this decision, but you know it’s the right one. Your husband has to be someone that you can grow with, someone who will love you and support no matter what.

At this point, I wouldn’t force yourself to feel like you have to be ‘over’ him by a certain date or anything like that. Let yourself grieve the relationship. But this is also a time when I would become very busy taking up new hobbies or activites. Volunteer for an organization that you care about. I think if you can focus on helping others, that will take some of the focus off of your own pain. Do something (take a trip, even if it’s just a day trip) that you would never have been able to do in your relationship. Try new restaurants/new food, maybe get a new pet, just do something to build new memories.

I promise it will get easier. It might feel like it takes forever, but you will get there. And you’ll be able to find the real love of your life.

 

Post # 31
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

All I can suggest is communication and more communication!! If it isn’t something that can be talked out, then it might be best to move on. I know you’ve built a lot of history and it’s scary, but you have so much life ahead of you that you will definitely find someone else 🙂

Bottom line is you should not marry him if he doesn’t make you happy anymore, you will only be unhappy and trapped later on.

I wish you all the best and what’s meant to be will be!

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