(Closed) Calling off engagement and relationship of 9 years. I'm so heartbroken.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@butterfly1988:  I’m so sorry you are going through this! Yes, people do change from 14-23 but they KEEP changing….think I read that it happens over 10 year periods. I’m 36 and I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago….and that’s a good thing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if he can’t accept you NOW for the person you’ve grown into, HOW can he accept the person you will be in another 10 years? 

Post # 34
Member
776 posts
Busy bee

I have to tell you about my own experience. I was married when I was in my early 20s and we never should have gotten married… you say that your ex-fiance wanted to change you and didn’t accept you for who you are, well both me and my ex were like that with each other. Over time it just proved how wrong we were for each other and that we had to break up.

You’re young, there’s plenty of guys out there who will accept you for who you are and love you for the person you are today and the person you will become. You will find happiness and you will look back at this as a really good thing that you didn’t go through with the wedding.

Post # 36
Member
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You can handle it, and you will.  Wash your face with ice cold water, take a deep breath and hold your head up.  You have done NOTHING wrong.  When you two met, you were a child.  You didn’t think you were, but trust me on this one, 14 is still a child.  If you don’t believe me, go past the local high school and take a look at one of the freshman boys.  At 14, we’re just barely starting to think about our futures, possible careers, what we want out of our lives.  You are not at all the same person you were 10 years ago.  If you were, I’d say there was something very wrong with you. 

You’re rapidly heading into grown woman territory now.  Therapy isn’t a bad idea, though I’d personally suggest individual counseling.  You need to stop being feeling about growing up before you worry about getting married. 

Also, while people continue changing throughout their lives, the largest changes happen before 25.  You learn to drive, leave the nest, further your education, get your first job, become self sufficient.  More importantly, you screw up without the safety net of your parents.  You learn how to pick yourself up, dust off and keep moving.  For most people, no other decade in their adult life will have so many significant changes. 

Also, love does not equal compatibility.  They’re both necessary in a marriage though.  Just something to think about. 

Post # 37
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

Why would you try to stay together if he doesn’t like you as a person?  

Post # 38
Member
4554 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

*hugs*

You are going to be fine. I would certainly not count the 9 years as “wasted” — maybe if you were 33, but not at 23. Chances are, those are not years in which you would have gotten married had it been someone who loved you the way you are. It’s not likely that everyone around you has married in that time and you are looking at very diminished prospects. A lot of people your age are just now starting to think about long term relationships as something that may lead to marriage in any serious way.

By your definition, those people “wasted” the last nine years too, in that they did not get a spouse out of them. The only difference between them and you is that they dated several people or spent years single, and you were monogamous with one man. Either way, all of you have spent the last nine years growing up and learning lots of things about yourselves, so it isn’t wasted at all. It might hurt, but I guarantee you learned a lot from it, and those things will make you a better prospect for someone who will love you the way you deserve–which is just the way you are.

 

Post # 39
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry honey. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years and I can’t imagine the pain of ending this relationship. I hope you can salvage things. Love to you.

Post # 41
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@butterfly1988:  I really hope you can. We went through a very rough patch about 3 years ago before we were engaged, and we almost broke up. A lot of it was my insecurities. It was a tough time. But we got past it and worked things out and are now stronger than ever. I have done a lot of growing up. It is possible to fix things that seem broken. HUGS xx

Post # 42
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

From my own personal experience; people tend to change tremendously when you start dating at a young age.  However, if you change and GROW together; you can overcome the obstacles ahead of you.  There have been times when I have wanted my now husband to change and he did.  But I didn’t ask HIM to change just certain things that he did (leaves his underwear on the bathroom floor as an example).  If he is asking to change YOU, as in who you stand for, leave and never look back.  There is somebody else out there that will not want to change you and will admire the things that he doesn’t love.

 

Good luck hun!

Post # 43
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@butterfly1988:  *hugs* to you. I know this is awful. I had a boyfriend for 8 years. We started dating in high school and made plans to get married. We both changed SO MUCH over those high school, college, and post-college years, though… we weren’t the same people at 24 that we were at 16. Not even close. I think we stayed together and made plans because it’s just what we were used to… but it was the wrong choice. In the end, he did a lot of horrible things (and I did my share of less than respectable stuff, as well) and it destroyed our ability to even be civil to each other if we had a run-in on the street.

If this man can’t accept you for who you are, leave. Find someone who fits who you are now, and who you can grow with. You deserve your happiness, and I’m sure this man isn’t it.

Post # 45
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Geez this is hard.  It is naive of him to think that you would not change.  And I have news for you & him… you are not done changing.  23-28 is just a big of a change.  I find his immaturity in this situation difficult… I mean it’s nice (I guess) that he told you… but to say “I don’t like you” and leave it at that is hurtful.  

I think what you need to find out is if as a couple you want to stay together.  This limbo is making you sick.  You need a clear direction as to whether you are moving on separately or together.

If it’s the former, it will be a huge adjustment for you.  But with time, I promise, it will get better.  I know it doesn’t seem that way now… it never does.  Plenty of bees have been through it though, and there is life after the most horrendous breakups.  You will be fine.  Take it one step at a time… step one is to figure out what exactly in the hell is going on here.  Big hugs!

Post # 46
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@butterfly1988:  I was in a LOT of pain after the breakup. It didn’t help that our breakup took several months because we were both being indecisive and manipulative. I was a disaster during that time… distracted at work, crying in the subway during my commute, not eating, then eating garbage, drinking too much… bleh. The breakup ENDED ENDED in March. I also found out I’d be losing my teaching job that due to budget problems that same week. I was REALLY depressed until about June. Then the school year ended. I took all the money that I’d saved for our future (apartment, wedding, etc.), which at the time was about $10,000, and a travelled. I went to Las Vegas and Atlantic City with a really good friend. I visited friends in Ohio & Kentucky. I went to Central America… 3 times. When I was home, I partied like I never did when I had a boyfriend. I also visited all the museums & places I didn’t have time to go when I was working. I didn’t even look for a new job. I just kept traveling and enjoying myself for a few months, living off my savings & unemployment. 

This whole time I was in individual therapy, as well as a DBT group. I highly recommend both of these things. Before DBT, I don’t think I would have traveled and enjoyed my life post-break up… I think I would have lay in bed crying lol.

So… break up finalized in March, and I was feeling good by June. DISTRACTION IS KEY.

In January I married the most lovely & amazing person I’ve ever met. His isn’t perfect. But he’s communicative, faithful, honest, hard-working, and kind. He wants to grow as a human being and always continue improving himself and our relationship. I’m SOOOO happy I didn’t marry my ex. I was hurt and couldn’t imagine moving on at the time, but I have, and my life is so much better for it.

You will get through this, and you won’t believe that you were so wrapped up in this guy. You’ll be so happy it ended.

/end rant.

 

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