(Closed) Calling off engagement and relationship of 9 years. I'm so heartbroken.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 48
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

No one ever knows just how strong they are until they have to face those challenges in life. The most common thing people fear in life is change, but if that is what is needed you will get through it because you are a strong women. I hope in the end everything works out for you, but if not just know that you are a great person and someone will love you for who you are no matter if you change or not. Crying is good and it is a persons way to cope with the pain they are having, so go ahead and cry it is good for you. Good luck and keep us updated.

Post # 49
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@butterfly1988:  are you sure that something else emotionally is not going on? On one hand you say, you love each other so much and on the other hand, that you don’t even know each other anymore.  Would it help if he backed off of trying to change you or keep you stuck in the past?

Post # 50
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

@butterfly1988:  It is okay to feel this way. You are grieving your relationship and the plan you made for the future. Take time to feel the heartbreak, as much as it sucks, it is one of the few times I have never felt more alive. If you weren’t grieving and could walk away, what would that say about you and your relationship.

This weekend go to the counselor and then come home and talk. Make a plan to make a definite decision. Indecision isn’t good for anyone, nor is rushing. It sounds like you both know it is over. If it is, then I would recommend you each calling your parents, preferably together, to let them know. Then “hide your relationship status updates” from your newsfeed and then break up on facebook. Then tell your friends. It will be horrible, but you will need support and it is going to be one horrible hour, not a day, not a week. Just a horrible hour.

Also, even if you end the engagement now, there is nothing to say it is over forever. You may get back together in a year when you both have grown up. But I strongly recommend taking at least a year apart, with little to no contact. One of my best friends dated a guy for 8 years. He bought a ring and then realized it was all wrong (she knew too, deep down, but she wanted it to work). Her only regret is the two years that followed–she would go out to dinner with him to try to be friends and would end up in bed with him and the heart break would be all over again. If you end it, please do yourself a favor and take a clean break for awhile.

Post # 51
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hope you are ok today. Thinking of you! Update us when you are ready x

Post # 52
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I went through the exact same thing as you. I started dating my first Fiance at 14 and we broke up after 9 years. I won’t lie to you: it was awful, painful, and no cliches that anyone said to me made me feel better (“oh, don’t worry, time will heal,” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” or “everything happens for a reason.”) but I will say this…All of the advice ended up being true.

He was not the right man for me (though he was a great guy and is now married with a child) and leaving him allowed me to meet the man who was right for me. I know it feels insurmountable. I know the pain is physical as well as emotional and you think it will never get better. But it really will. And you are far too young to spend the rest of your life unhappy or living with doubts or being with someone who wants to change you.

My advice: you can do it. You can get through it. You are strong enough.

Post # 53
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@butterfly1988:  I’m soooo sorry. I know unbelievably awful this is. And I know what you mean about not wanting to face other people… but seriously, fuck other people. Do what’s best for you. I do highly recommend getting out of the area for a while if you feel like you need an escape. Traveling is great. I volunteered abroad for a few months, went home, then left to work abroad. I just felt like there was nothing keeping me home anymore, and I’m SO glad I did it I had so many great experiences traveling on my own… and it eventually lead me to the man I’m married to today :o)

This sucks. There’s no denying that. But you have NO idea how strong you are and all the amazing things you are capable of until your life sucks like this. You can get through it, and you honestly will be a better, stronger person for that. I’m sure you can’t/don’t want to hear/believe that now, but it’s true. You can do this, and you’ll be okay. <3

Post # 55
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@butterfly1988:  I’m SO sorry. I know it feels unbearable but I promise in some way things will get better. You will be ok. Hugs!!! Take some time off work, try to sleep, drink lots of water and breathe. Have you got a close friend or parent you can call? It’s not your fault xx

Post # 56
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@butterfly1988:  Thinking of you.  I went through these same feelings with a boyfriend I dated for 6 years (20-26).  After a while, I figured out we had dated for that long because we were comfortable with each other, not because we were in love and were supposed to be together.  He also suggested we see a therapist, but I knew what was going on with us wasn’t fixable.  From your update, I think you know what needs to happen next.

Dealing with all of these emotions is going to really suck for a while.  Breakups are painful and depressing.  Cry for as long as you feel like crying, but realize that this is not anyone’s fault, and definitely not your fault.  Others before me have said it, and I will reiterate:  people change SO MUCH between 14 and 23 (and continue to change a lot through their mid to late 20s), and people grow apart.  It’s just the way life is.

If you haven’t told any family or friends what you’re going through, or what you’re feeling, now is the time.  You need their support to help you through.  You need someone you can call when you’re feeling especially down, who knows what’s going on, and you need to start going out more with friends.

Little by little, it will get better.  Try to remember that, as you go through this tough time.

Post # 58
Member
313 posts
Helper bee

@butterfly1988:  I am so sorry 🙁  Did he give specific reasons about what he wanted to be different?

Post # 59
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

@butterfly1988:  I just want to hug you!!!! HOW DARE HE! Smh I am hoping for the best. You haven’t gotten this far for nothing. Perhaps you guys could try counseling? 

Post # 61
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t know if this will help you or not, but…

my aunt is 8 years older than me. She and David started dating when they were 15 (their first date was going to dinner with his parents). They dated through high school and college. At 23, David said he loved her but she had changed so much over the years, and he had too. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to break up, but he wasn’t ‘sure’ that he wanted to promise forever.

She took it like a champ. Although she was nearly hysterical on the inside, she told him that she thought perhaps they could date other people? Or move out? Or go do some travel abroad?  He decided to get his own place and date other women.

During that time she didn’t call him. She wasn’t bitchy or rude, or sobbing, she was friendly and nice whenever they talked.  4 months later he showed up on the doorstep with an engagement ring and they have been happily married for more than 10 years now. This strategy worked for Kate Middleton too, apparently.

 

It’s hard not to panic… because you are hurt and shocked and depressed. But it’s natural and totally normal if your guy is nervous about forever — when you’re the only person he’s ever known, he has to wonder. If he didn’t, he’d be lying to himself. As his best friend, you have to see that he has those feelings and try to understand…and because you’re his best friend, he is telling you about his fears and all his jumbled thoughts and not filtering them, and looking to you for guidance.  I don’t think he sounds like a jerk or like he’s screwing you over. It sounds like he loves you very very much. He may even just be ‘wondering what’s out there’ and not truly unhappy, but it’s hard to sort out or articulate what’s wrong if you aren’t sure what it is.

I think this is an opportunity for you to prove yourself and also a chance for you to take a step back and think about what you want too. There’s a reason he has loved only you for ten years, but it may be true that as he has grown up, his vision of his dream girl has changed – and maybe it’s not you. I would try to be objective about it, and ask myself if I felt the same way (are you unsure too? deep down?) or if maybe (and this would hurt to admit) but maybe he’s right?

As his best friend, would you really want to advise him to stay put if the girl he’s with is not truly the one? Even if that girl is you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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