Post # 1
So like many emotional post this is may get kinda long…
So for about the past year and a half Fiance and I have been on the search for our first home. I recently obtained my real estate license and when that happened I took on a much bigger part of our house hunt; including the stress from both sides (bank and Fiance.) We have seen countless homes, had 5 failed offers/contracts and now on the 6th offer we found a house WE LOVE back in August. Since then we have been fighting(negotiating) with Bank of America to come down on the price of the house. They finally came down 10K 3 days before Thanksgiving and we accepted that offer. Since then we’ve been waiting for them to respond back with a written approval. We finally got that Friday but they are saying they are not going to pay any closing cost. That means that if FI and I want this house we would have to come up with 18K which is closing cost + our down payment. We can’t get that by January 14th which is our proposed settlement date.
We we’re stressing about having to pay for the down payment because the way that my broker/Fi’s BF was supposed to do it we weren’t gonna have to come up for much out of pocket, but that has since changed and most of our free money was going to planning our wedding. Fiance and I wanted this home more than we wanted the other 5 and it is so devastating to know that now I have to give up our dream of owning this home and raising our children there.
2nd Issue: Our budget for our wedding started out at about 35-40K. WE were planning a fabulous wedding at a museum in downtown Baltimore. Last week my Fiance tells me that he doesn’t know how he feels about spending all that money on “just a day.” So we practically cut the budget in half to about 15-20K. This whole past week I’ve been stressing about trying to let go of my vision for our 40K wedding (we’ve been planning since March) and try to find an equally nice place for the new budget. Now after we get this news about not being able to afford our “dream” house Fi decides he still doesn’t wanna spend that much money either. We were gonna have 150 ppl (mostly FI’s guest list) and he thinks $75-100pp is way too much. I KNOW the actual wedding doesn’t matter, its about the ceremony and I got it but I can only take but so much heartache in one day.
This wedding meant a lot to me. It’s not that we all of a sudden can’t afford a 40K wedding it’s that Fiance doesn’t want to spend it. He is “tired” of saving and stressing and just wants to be “free.” I understand his stress but I can’t help but to feel like I am compromising on something that means the world to me. I didn’t have a sweet sixteen, wasn’t allowed to go to jr prom, hated EVERYTHING about senior prom (dress, makeup, and date bailed due to death in family.) My wedding was supposed to be the one thing I could control and now Fiance says he just wants to go away and get married just the two of us. I wouldn’t mind that as much if I could include my family. It’s important to me that they be there and if we just get on a plane and go then they can’t. Besides my family is all over the US (Mom in AZ, Dad in SC, Grandparents in TX and I’m in D.C) and don’t necessarily have the means to come with us or to even see us off…
I’m just super disappointed and I don’t feel that I can show my emotions to my Fiance right now because he thinks I am understanding of all this and he is just in an overall good mood and I don’t want to ruin it. I would marry him tomorrow if I could, but I can’t help be a little selfish and say that I WANT my dream wedding or something damn close… Idk what to do. I mean Fiance knows I’m a bit disappointed, but he doesn’t know to this extent. I know I need to talk to him and I will tomorrow, but at this minute right now all I wanna do is break down and cry and be selfish that not only am I not getting my dream house or dream wedding, but I possibly won’t get any wedding. :o(
Post # 3
Honestly, I think it sounds like you need to have your breakdown and cry – you might feel a bit better and your Fiance would know how you feel, and he NEEDS to know how you feel.
Post # 4
I second having a good cry!
Also, try to remember the true meaning of marriage! At the moment your dream budget and wedding is meaning the world to you, but I promise you that their will be bigger and better moments in your life that are free and will at times challenge your thinking about things.
Post # 5
🙁 I’m sorry, I agree with PP let it all out!!! Remember, it’s the marriage that really counts. Good luck with everything and I hope you feel better!
Post # 6
I dont really understand, you need $18k for the house? So cut the wedding, buy the house and then get married in your dream house, where you are going to raise your family is way more important than your wedding, just buy a beautiful wedding dress so you still feel like a princess and love your home and husband.
Post # 7
I’m sorry for all your dissapointment, but honestly if your Fiance doesn’t want to spend the money, it shouldn’t be spent. It would be an undue stress on the relationship. Wouldn’t it be nice in the long run to have a house? I understand that you want to have a special day, and you deserve it, but you can have a very nice wedding for a lot less money (as some of the bees here have shown)
Post # 8
I’m sure you’ll be able to plan a beautiful weddng on your new budget. Try to stay positive… I know it’s hard! Good luck!
Post # 9
Your Fiance is being honest with you about what he wants. You need to be honest with him about what you want as well! Then… you two can figure out how to meet somewhere in the middle. Don’t suck it up or hold it in. You’ll eventually become resentful.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry you are having a hard time. It sounds like your Fiance is stressing about money, which is why he wants to count the wedding budget after realizing you are missing a house because of money.
The good news? 1. There will always be another house, even if it doesn’t feel that way. 2. Your wedding, though it would have been your vision at 40K, isn’t about the money or the venue or the pp you spend, but sealing your love in front of the people you love.
I say have a good cry, throw some things, scream bloody murder in your car and sing some loud songs, then regroup. You can still, easily, throw a wedding for 150 under 20K. Your plans might still work, but in a different way (i.e. maybe take a free floral arrangement course at a local craft store and do your own arrangements using flowers you picked out). You can always change your theme to suit your budget (i.e. swaroski crystal everything is pricy, but “a diamond in the rough” can allow a few sparkles to shine). Rebudget where you can, cut where you can, DIY where you can and you can do it! (Beyond that, you will have an awesome recap… I imagine something like “How I went from 40K budget to 20K and managed to have my dream wedding with 150”)
Post # 11
Hello! Just wanted to say that I’m sorry that you and your Fiance aren’t seeing eye to eye on the kind of wedding that you and he would like, especially when you and he are having enough trouble securing a purchase on a house. I just wanted to offer my own opinion.
Yes, I agree that a house is always more important than a wedding…but your wedding is important too! Your marriage is even more important, but everyone deserves to be able to celebrate that blessed event, because marriage is a HUGE step in someone’s life–even more so than prom (though I realize prom only happens once or twice, coinciding with graduation). Some people feel the need for it to be quiet and quick, while others, like you, feel like it wouldn’t feel right without family and friends, and I don’t blame you.
The way that your Fiance feels about the money spent on it is important, true, but it would be unfair for him to have complete control of this. Why should he? Learning to compromise is a key step in being prepared for marriage and the wedding is a great way to begin learning how to compromise with someone that you’ll be living with for the rest of your life, God/fate willing. Indeed, let your facade slip away, otherwise your Fiance will never know how much having a wedding with your family there as opposed to eloping/going to the courthouse really means to you. (Not to say that there’s anything wrong with that; no offense meant toward brides with those kinds of weddings! 🙂 ) It’s much healthier to be able to discuss how you feel with your partner rather than hold everything back.
Then after you make it clear what you really want, give him a chance to explain what he wants in a wedding, and work together from there. Is he willing to meet somewhere in the middle between an elopement and a big fancy museum wedding? How long would he be willing to wait until you can have that kind of wedding? Would you be willing to settle for a quick marriage now and planning to have the vow renewal of your dreams for your tenth, fifth, or even first anniversary? If you agree to a smaller wedding, what things would you not mind cutting back your budget on? My advice is pick a few things that are worth splurging on and then either cutting out/saving money on/picking cheaper alternatives/DIYing everything else. These ladies are right that there are some beautiful weddings that have been held for less than $10,000, less than $5000 even. It all depends on how far you’re willing to stretch your creativity as well as your dollar.
Good luck with everything!
Post # 12
I think you need to have a real talk with him. Putting on the brave face and trying to act like you’re okay with this is a really bad idea, because you’re giving up 100% of what you want without any discussion. TELL him that you want the big wedding, that you’ve always dreamt of it, and giving it all up is hard for you to do. Agree to downsize, work on compromises, but don’t give up everything that you want just because he has changed his mind.
On the house issue… I also live in the DC area, so I know what housing costs look like around here. Why not stop looking for a bit, save up some more money, and get yourself into a better position to be able to afford a sizeable downpayment? It may be wise to only work on one huge task at a time (wedding/house) and then figure out the other after.
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
This is the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with. He deserves your honesty. I know you think you are sparing him some difficult thoughts and emotions, but you are really only creating a breeding ground for resentment. Don’t do that to your relationship. It’s time to have an honest discussion about money, priorities, what you both value, and what your goals are. We chose to have a super elegant wedding, but kept it around $20k by having a small guest list of our favorite people. And since Mr. LK wanted to spend as little as possible from our savings, I just paid for it out of pocket along the way during our year long planning process. We ended up only using $6k of our savings on the day.
On another note, how in the world are you buying a house in HoCo with only $20k down??????????? We have 5 times that much, and we’re still worried that it’s not enough in this area! I am in awe!
Post # 14
I agree with everyone else, talk to your Fiance about this. You did not say this, but I wonder if you are resentful that he would like to downgrade the wedding rather than cut the guest list (which you indicate is mostly his)? Perhaps that is an area where you can compromise – you get a wedding that in quality is partway between the new and the old and he gets the price where he feels comfortable because he cut a chunk of his list.
Regarding the house, I know many tales of the house that got away, only to get a bigger house for less money, so take heart! I would also say that I personally would worry about stretching that much for a house, so maybe it’s not a bad thing…
Post # 15
Hi there – I also live in Columbia & just got married at a museum in Baltimore. In fact I originally booked your venue (recognized from your prior post) and cancelled before signing the contract because I wasn’t happy with the restrictions, the catering selections, and the resulting overall cost. So I completely know what you are going through trying to keep costs down – FWIW every vendor I used for my wedding told me it was the absolute right decision to cancel that venue – they have had nothing but bad experiences there, if that makes you feel any better 🙂
I guess I am a little confused about the money issues… If you were planning to spend $40K on the wedding, can’t you use the same money $18K toward the house and $22K toward a scaled-back wedding?
Either way I do think you should let him know how you feel, perhaps there is some way to compromise – changing venues, cutting the guest list, etc. I don’t know what your situation is at all, but if the issue is that he is footing the bill for the wedding, then I can sympathize with him not wanting to deplete his savings for a wedding that isn’t his dream. In my case, I paid for most of the wedding (with help from my parents), and even though I knew it would be worth it to me, I still stressed out over spending that much money on one day. If you are paying, I think you should be able to have your dream.
I do hope everything works out for you, and if you need any help feel free to message me since I’m am local 🙂
Post # 16
I always say a setback is a setup for a comeback.
Another house will come, try to remain positive.
Have you voiced your feelings concerning the wedding to your fiance? I would start with a list of things that are most important to you (food, band, decor, etc) in order for you to have the wedding. Then try to compromise these items with your fiance.