(Closed) Calling off the Wedding? Is this the right thing to do?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

In my opinion, if you have been together eight years and already slept together I think that is long enough to figure out if you want to marry someone.

In regards to the milk and the cow, you said that you lost your virginities to each other. My understanding of that phrase means he is already getting the milk.

I also agree with prettyflowers that if you are going to do a break you need to make it a total one, not just a date other people break.

Post # 19
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

chicagowife! that’s a good lil’ acronym. I would tend to agree.

Post # 20
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

I agree in that he’s not ready to be in a permanent committed relatiomship. Taking a break would just regress the relationship and it’s just not something you do when you’re with somenoe who you want to be with for the rest of your life. It’s probably not what you want to hear but it would not be to your benefit to wait around for him to be ready. If at 28 he can’t decide whether or not to marry you then maybe it’ll never happen. To be honest with you, I don’t think it’s fair of him to be strining you along like this and not be fully honest with you. After 8 years together that is something you deserve.

My friend’s situation could mirror yours to a tee. The difference is that my friend is actually married to this person. They’ve been together for a long time (since college) and got married after graduating. My friend is an amazing person. Anyone would be so lucky to be with my friend.

But my friend’s SO decided that they needed to “find their way” and felt that they hadn’t fully experienced relationships/life b/c they’d been together when they were younger. The SO decided that they needed a break and will be taking one for over half a year and see what happens then. Meanwhile my friend is completely heart broken b/c they love the SO so much. Clearly my friend doesn’t want them to divorce and is holding out hope. Meanwhile SO gets to “sow their oats” and do whatever the eff they want, which is completely an unfair advantage. SO really is just stringing my friend along and is basically holding them emotional hostage. Everyone is hoping that my friend ends up moving on and finding a fantastic person who will appreciate them.

Whatever you end up deciding, make sure that you’re looking out for your interests and do what right for you and your future as well. Now is as good a time as ever to be selfish. 🙂

Post # 21
Member
1991 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m going to be a little harsh in saying that this relationship is pretty much over. If he’s not ready to marry you now, he probably won’t ever be ready.

Just because you keep coming back to each other doesn’t mean that it is a good thing. That’s just like a drug addict who keeps coming back to drugs.

I can’t tell you what to do in your relationship, but I will keep you in my prayers.

Post # 22
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

From an outsider’s perspective it seems like he doesn’t want to marry you, but he is scared to lose you all together.    I doubt this will change to be honest – you have been together long enough, are old enough, – I know others who have gone through this, and they break up after 10 years and within a few years the guy has married someone else.  He probably really loves you but somewhere deep inside, he knows he doesn’t want to marry you.  sorry if this is harsh, and obviously I don’t know you guys, but its just my perspective based on what you wrote….

Post # 24
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

OK, I know I am always the harsh one.  But I hear about your situation, and I think of a past relationship I had.  My ex also wanted “a break.”  And I let him take it.  That was one of the biggest regrets of my life.  The predictable thing happened — he went out and slept with another girl and I was devastated.  Even though people told me that would happen, I thought “no, he loves me — he’s going to realize it.”  But I was wrong.  He did just what everyone said he would and slept with some girl.  And you know what I regret?  Not that we ended up breaking up, not even that I was in a huge amount of pain.  What I regret is losing my dignity by agreeing to a “break.”  If a guy wants a break, he no longer wants to be with you, plain and simple.  And instead of accepting that, I decided to call it a “break” and pretend he wasn’t really breaking up with me.  I, of course, spent those months waiting for him to call, not dating, and generally acting like his doormat.  Never again! 

I know you probably don’t want to hear that, but if I could go back and change one big decision in my life, it would be indulging my ex in this idea of a “break.”  I deserved better.  I didn’t deserve to be treated like his “plan B.”  You deserve better.  You deserve more than to be “put on the back burner.” 

Tell him if he wants a break, it’s absolutely permanent.  If he loves you he won’t want a break — he’ll want to marry you.

Good luck hon.

Post # 25
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

It’s been my experience that the tighter you hold onto a guy, the harder they pull. I would loosen the reigns. Give him  a break if that is what he wants, and do NOT sit at home feeling sorry for yourself during that time. Go out and enjoy your life. If he sees that, it is more likely that he will come back to you. Men don’t like clinging…not saying that is what you are doing, but he might be feeling that way. Men are strange creatures!

Post # 26
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think you need to study yourself first in this situation. I’m just get the impression that he cant handle the relationship anymore and certainly isn’t ready for marriage.

Really do you want the break?I get the feeling like your justifying his feelings ahead of yours. I think you need to sit him down and ask him exactly where this relationship is going, ‘dont try to spare my feelings just tell me where you see us going’

Then ask yourself if you can accept the answer. In My Humble Opinion I think after a period of 8 years he should know what he wants. Whats bothering him about marriage, why does he need the break? This might be something you need to bring up in counselling or seriously consider yourself.

I think you may want a little more than he’s willing to give, and should try to do whats best for you, whatever that may be. I hope counselling helps though, but I think most important is that you need to communicate with him make sure you’re on the same page, or at least working on getting there. If not I think you may need to consider moving on.

One more thing, If you do take the break, I agree with not keeping in contact. Dont just see it as him getting time out to figure out what he wants, think of it as time for you to realign your goals and figure out what you want in a relationship.

I will keep you in my prayers, and just wanted to say that above all God has everthing planned out, and its just for you to bring yourself into alignment with this.

Keep strong, dont let this weaken your faith and know that whatever the outcome you are not facing it alone.

Good luck, (your story really appealed to me) Hope everything works out for the best.

 

Post # 27
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

After reading your last post, I’m with Chicagobride on this one (BTW…HILAROUS acronym!) – usually, when people want a “break” they want to go out and see what else is out there. I think he’s making himself clear with his moodiness that he wants a break from you so that he can sleep with other people and sow his wild oats. It’s really a shame, especially after 8 years together, but you absolutely need to make it clear that you won’t be waiting around for him when he realizes you were the one for him. I know it’s not the easiest thing to hear, and it’s so easy for us to tell you to ditch him, but I hope that your counseling session is helpful to you.

So sorry he’s doing this to you after so long together.

 

Post # 28
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I was in your shoes going on “breaks” with my Boyfriend or Best Friend who wanted time off to do “some soul searching before taking the relationship to the next level”  I wasted 4 years, and finally when I hit 30 I had enough.  Shortly after that I met my husband who was 10 years younger than my ex mind you.  He did not need to take “breaks” and was able to propose after a year and half.

Sounds like your Boyfriend or Best Friend wants to experience other relationships and girls especially since you were his first and only.  You are 32, stop wasting your pretty and your youth on someone that doesn’t want the same thing as you.  The faster you get over him the closer you will be to having  a wedding with someone that doesn’t need breaks!  8 years you either sh*t or get off the pot.

Post # 29
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can’t tell you what is really going on, but I am personally a huge believer feeling 100% sure that you want to be with your partner forever. If you don’t have that knowing feeling, even if you love each other and have a lot of history together, that means it isn’t meant to be. If your Fiance still is not ready and has doubts about being with you permanently, then I honestly think he doesn’t love you or feel committed to you in the way that a life partner should. After 8 years, he should confidently know he wants to marry you, and the fact that he needs “a break” really means that he doesn’t really want this relationship, in his heart of hearts. Like others have said, he is just too scared to really move on without you. That is evident from the fact he was too afraid to tell you he didn’t want to be really engaged.

So yeah, bottom line – I know it must be heartbreaking but this relationship is going nowhere and your boyfriend is not ever going to give you what you need. It will be hard, but you should move on rather than letting him continue to waste your time.

Post # 30
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I feel he brought you the ring to keep you quiet.  He couldn’t even tell you the intention behind it.  There is no communication there.  How can he be so unsure of you and your relationship after all these years?

 

You know, no matter what happens don’t think you’ll be throwing away 8 years of your life.  It was 8 happy years.

 

Think about this though: you deserve someone who loves you with a passion, who can’t wait to marry you.  

 

Now you know where you stand – don’t waste another minute.  I’m the same age as you, and I can say that we’re not getting any younger.   How long until he wants to get married? How long after that will you have to wait for kids?  What if you give it another 5 years, become 37 and he’s still unsure?  The God honest truth is that the longer you wait to have kids the riskier it gets.  I’m in the same boat.

Go find what it is you desire, because you deserve it. 🙂

 

All the best.

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