(Closed) Calling off the Wedding? Is this the right thing to do?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you made the right decision.  It is so tough to break up with someoe but it really seemed like things were not going to get better in your relationship.

Post # 33
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Hi,

I just read your post and your backstory. First, hugs. Second, be strong.

Two years ago, I left my boyfriend of 8 years because he would not commit to a life together. I wanted to be married, settle down, and have a life together, but he wasn’t ready.  That had been going on for about 2 years before the day I finally walked away from the relationship.  If he wasn’t ready to marry me after 8 years together, he was never going to be ready to marry me.  And would I really want to marry someone who could know me, love me, and share in that much of my life for so long – but still not be sure about me? No.

Long story short, the first few months were horrible.  I cried all the time. I lost weight. I hated being alone, and had to convince myself not to call him, to tell him I was sorry and try to get him back.  Eventually, I joined a gym and starting going out with friends, and tried to make new friends who weren’t part of our old circle. It started to get easier, and I could really see that what I had done was one of the strongest and most important steps of my life.

Then I met my fiance one day when I was least expecting it – at a bowling alley with friends.  We clicked immediately.  He asked me out for coffee and we dated for about 7 months, when he suddenly proposed after dinner one evening.  I was surprised, but nothing but sure about my answer.  After 7 months together, I knew I wanted to share the rest of my life with this man.  After 8 years with the last one, I wasn’t even sure if I could have said yes if he’d asked.

Like tobin said, you deserve someone who will love you passionately.  No matter how difficult it is right now, it will get better, and there is someone out there who will really love you the way you deserve to be loved.  Nothing makes you see how wrong a past relationship was like finding something so right.

Post # 34
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

Sorry I’m late to the thread. This is going to sound super judgey, but I find that sometimes couples who lose their virginities to each other have trouble separating because the sex is comfortable and the idea of finding a new partner is scary. Not to say that it’s all about sex, but just something to think about. I was totally that girl. I dated a guy for a few months and we spent a solid year breaking up. My advice in that situation is to make sure you don’t sleep with him after you break up unless you have both decided you want to get back together.

It sounds like you’re making the right decisions. I’m sure you’ll find happiness when you put this behind you. This experience will help teach you to put yourself first. Maybe keep the therapy appointment though to debrief?

Good Luck!

**HUGS**

Post # 35
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have to say, congratulations on being so STRONG! I can only imagine how hard the decision was, but it seems like you made the right one and did what was best for yourself. That takes real courage and you should be proud of yourself!

Best of luck as you heal and move on with your life. Something amazing awaits you I’m sure!

Post # 36
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

Y:ou did the right thing.  I know it’s hard but it will get better.  Sometimes it’s hard to do what needs to be done, but better now than after a few more years of him “deciding” if he’s ready.

Post # 38
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow.  He caused this mess and he’s angry that other people see it your way?  That others see a bit more clarity?

What bothers me about this guy is he is unable to communicate with you his feelings.

And what bothers me also is his feelings of needing to get “out there” and see what it’s like dating around or doing whatever.  That’s not the behavior of a loving and committed bf or fiance at all.  

You did wonderfully by calling his bluff and ending things(good for you) and he didn’t like it apparently, so he maneuvered again and did the official engagement and then even after that he goes back into “i dunno” mode and gets angry b/c you told people what he did.

If he can’t take the heat, get out of the frying pan is what I’d say to him.  If your family believed their daughter was getting married, I think they sure the heck did deserve to know you called it off and why.  Why save face for him?  I sure wouldn’t.

Personally, I’d take a long while and just have no contact with him.  I’d give the ring back again, and say that you didn’t know it came with certain terms and that he still didn’t seem decisive and you’re not going to give your heart or life or any more of your time to somebody who is not 100 percent in it with you.

I’d hang out with friends, family, and do new things.  Book a vacation for yourself, and just focus on you and healing, NOT on what this guy is/is not doing.  Heck, he doesn’t even know. 

Question:  is there any possibility he’s met somebody?  I mean, this behavior is very unusual he’s exhibiting.  Imho, after 8 years he should know he wants to be with you or not.  Is he in or out? 

But what I’d do is make this your choice.  Maybe this guy in time will come around.  Maybe he won’t.  Maybe there is somebody far better than him out there who will be the one who loves you always and puts you above all others and cannot wait to marry you.

He may very well be counting on having you wait around for him while he goes out and attempts to decide if dating around is fun for him, or if he wants to be with you.  Personally, I’d give him his walking papers, the ring back, and tell him to contact me when he grows the heck up.  I’d tell him that I wasn’t waiting around anymore, and that maybe you’ll be single or maybe you won’t if and when he ever did grow up and calls you back.  And I’d tell him exactly what I told my ex husband when I had him move out (found out he cheated)…I said “there’s no such thing as a short break…a break happens when its’ broken.” 

It’s time to focus on you.  Many, many hugs!  So glad btw that you didn’t lose any $ on wedding down payments.   

Post # 39
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Honestly if he doesn’t realize that his actions go beyond hurting you he’s still not done thinking. When you jerk someone around like that you jerk around everyone else that’s involved in your life. You’re not the only one he has to ‘make things right’ with and he needs to man up and admit that he really screwed up and make it better. If he’s not willing to do that then he doesn’t deserve you. /2cents

Post # 41
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I wonder if maybe the problem is more than he has some “growing up to do”.  I think seeing a counselor is a really good idea because his behavior swings seem very extreme and there may be some mental health issues here as well. 

If that turns out to be the case, don’t feel like you must stick around because that is a huge decision to make.

Post # 42
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I know you are hurting, and that it seems like the bad feelings will never go away, but I think you made a mistake in going back to him.  Especially because of the fact that he got all moody and angry when you told him about your mom.  He should realize that he did something wrong, namely keep you around for 8 years, pseudo-propose to you, then the only thing that could make him “propose” (I don’t think he was 100% into it) again was the fact that you ended it.

I think he likes his comfortable relationship with you, but not as his wife.  He is going to drag his feet through the whole thing, and what happens 5 or 10 years down the line when all the “wild oats” feelings come back? It’s going to be even more horrible with kids in the mix.

Only you really know what’s right for you, but if I were in your shoes I would cut it off and be done with him for good.

Post # 43
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

We can tell you all the stories and give you tons of advices on what we feel should be done, but you have to be the one to make a decision and you have to stick to it.  I always say your initial gut feelings are 99.9% right, so I wonder if in your moment of weakness you caved ..leading you to pick up his call!  He is still acting very immature, he didn’t like that he can’t come over to your house so he throws tandrums? Who wants a husband that does that? My 4 year old niece does..definitely not the man I would want to marry.  If he was sincere in his apologies, he would have moved heaven and earth to find ways to reconcile with you and the people who care for you.

Now, hypothetically, lets say that your friend or a family member you care deeply about was in your situation, what would be your advice to her?  Would you tell her to stay or walk away?

You should have turned to your friends for comfort after you broke it off.  In fact..you could have turned to the hive too!  I’m sure we can all be your support through it.  If you need…feel free to message me! I don’t know you, but I know that you deserve more than your man child (that is what I get from your post).

Post # 44
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Okay, so I can go on and on for hours, however that is not the point. As a therapist, I can tell you that it is very difficult to give you advice while not being fully aware of all of the dynamics. However, based on the info you have posted, it is evident that doesn’t feel the need or want to be in a legally committed relationship for whatever reason that may be. Furthermore, I would assume that in your 8 years as a couple, you have encountered a few obstacles and even broken up a few times right? If this is the case, then he is probably aware that you will always take him back as you have in the past. Something else to take into consideration is the fact that you guys have reached a comfort zone. After being together for so long, the thought of being apart or finding someone else and becoming acquainted with that new person can actually be kinda scary, that’s why some people find it is easier to remain in the current situation and just “deal with it.”

In addition as someone else mentioned, sex plays a big role especially since you both lost your virginities to eachother; and the thought of letting go of that person and all the emotional attachment can be very difficult to accept and cope with.  l know that your situation is difficult because you have made the “emotional” decision of wanting to marry him; that’s very evident. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have accepted his proposal. On the other hand, I firmly believe that you know in your heart that taking him back and accepting his proposal this soon was wrong, and that’s where the challenge lies.

Regardless, you sound like a smart gal and I would like to ask that you continue to logically analyze your situation as you have been. Best Wishes!!!

Post # 45
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

First off I am really sorry you are going through this. I have a very unpopular opinion but I still think he doesn’t want to marry you. I gleaned from your posts that you still live at home? If that is the case and I were in your shoes I would cut off contact with this man, find an apartment and just start living again and finding yourself. Living alone and being on your own is such an awesome experience and you might surprise yourself.

Post # 46
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

Im sure the mass isnt going to like my answer either but here it is. If you are really looking for honesty keep reading.. if not Id advise you to skip my post.

 

Walk away now. I agree with the above poster who said since you have continued to take him back he thinks this is the norm. This is not ok.. My ex of 4 years did this “I need time to myself” crap a few times during our relationship. I made the huge mistake of living with him and he decided he needed time to himself so he slept on the couch for months at a time downstairs. It is a load of crap. He likes the security of knowing he has you yet he wants to go out an explore. I thought he treated me great but now.. 2.5 years later I look back and realize he treated me like dirt. I dont know your guy but from what you have told us.. this is not healthy for you. You two arent 15 or 17 years old.. you’re both at an adult age and should know what you want in life. Im sorry but I dont think this is healthy for you and believe me when I say Mothers know best… I honestly think you need to cut the chord for good and walk away. I know its going to be a very hard decision but its the one I feel you should make.

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