Post # 1
We often advise each other to “sit down with S.O. and ask him what his timeline is”. I tried. He declined to answer. He said “Hun, don’t steal my thunder”.
I said, I understand that, but I don’t need to know a proposal date/time/place. It was: “Around when do you sees us getting married. 2016? 2017? 2018?”
Him: “Why do you need to know?”
Me: “Because it’s my life too. I want to have line of sight into whats coming. I’ll be planning out my last year of grad school and the summer after graduation.”
Him: “Trust me, you won’t have planned those things by August 2015”
Me: “Uh. Some of it, yea, I will.”
Me: “Could you give me a sense of your timeline? 2016? 2017? 2018?. I’d strongly prefer summer 2016. We will have 2 months free. Otherwise, we have to do this while holding full time jobs.”
etc. etc. repetition of the above.
BeesTeam, WHAT did I do wrong? I was calm, logical, and soft. I did not ask for details. I asked for a ballpark estimate.
Additional background: A LOT of things change for us for Summer 2016 (earliest possible date at this point) vs. 2017. We both graduate from grad school in May/June 2016, and probably start full time work in August 2016. All my getting-married friends have talked about how much time wedding planning/the event takes.
I’d much rather plan a wedding while I have the luxury of being a student + a responsibility-free two summer months. Why the urgency? As I understand, a mid-side wedding takes 12-18 months to plan. So if we are doing summer 2016, time’s-a-ticking.
Post # 2
Most people manage to plan weddings while working, so that’s kind of a silly reason. Hey, if it doesn’t happen by then, get a part time job that summer that makes enough to hire a planner when the time comes!
Post # 3
You don’t need 18 months to plan a wedding by any means. 6 months is probably plenty.
Post # 4
A timeline talk doesn’t always result in hearing what you want or getting answers sometimes the talk results in finding out you aren’t on the same page and deciding whether or not to compromise what you want or whether it’s worth waiting if you find out your relationship isn’t on the track you hope. In your case I would say try again in a few months, and instead of giving him all the power with statements such as you want to see what is coming tell him again it’s your life too and you need to find out if you’re on the same page that you are in a relationship that will lead to marriage within the next two years or soon after grad school.
Post # 5
Wait. Do you know that he’s going to ask, and this is just a matter of when? Because that’s what it sounds like.
If you have agreed to get married but he hasn’t asked officially yet and you’re trying to nail down the months you prefer to get married already, he might feel a little pushed. And really, your reasons for needing those two months aren’t compelling. Not everything is going to fall into our best laid plans, but it will still be great.
However, if you don’t even know if he’s going to ask or you have doubts or you are making life decisions that require info now, then that’s another story. I don’t think it’s fair for a partner to leave the other in the dark about future plans. If you feel this way, I’d just say so. After all, it’s your life too. Good luck bee!
Post # 6
OP, agree with Tinatiny1:
— would love more context to give an accurate perspective.
Post # 7
I’m wondering the same thing. OP, have you had previous talks in which you agreed you are getting married? So, it’s just a matter of the actual timeline?
Post # 8
12-18 months? I don’t think so that’s way to long to plan IMO. The first two months you’re busy then everything is at a standstill till two months before the wedding.
Post # 9
How old are both of you and how long have you been dating?
I think you should trust your SO and let it happen when it’s right for both of you. The last thing you want is to feel worried after you get engaged that you’re only engaged because you pushed your SO into it. His responses seem to indicate he does want to marry you, just wants to manage the proposal himself, so you should try to have faith in that. His reference to August 2015 is pretty specific, may even mean he is planning it before or around then!
I’m planning my wedding in 10 months while working a full time high pressured corporate job. It gets stressful at times but it’s mostly fun and not too hard. When you’re working it’s also a lot easier to save for the wedding and justify splurging on things you wouldn’t have been able to afford as a student. So there are benefits as well as downsides!
Post # 10
By the time we get married, we’ll have had 5 months to plan our wedding for over 100 guests. It’s gone very smoothly. Both Fiance and I have full-time jobs.
Post # 11
It sounds like he hasn’t even thought about a timeline and you caught him off-guard. Has the marriage talk happened yet?
Just based on what you posted it seems to me like you want it sooner than he does.
Post # 12
As for how long it takes to plan a wedding, I ask the bees to please understand it’s different in other areas. Where I am it takes a minimum of 1 year to plan and most venues are booked out about a year and a half in advance so if you don’t get the ball rolling early, you might miss out on the things you want.
Post # 13
Post # 14
Thanks for the initial responses.
We have talked about wanting to marry each other in the past. The question is when. We’ve been dating since 2007, and are both 26 now.
I mis-spoke. I’ve heard you have to book a venue 12-18 months in advance, especially for weekends in the summer. This suggests to me that the proposal is usually 12-18 months before your wedding date too.
I 100% agree – most people plan and do their weddings while holding a job, maybe even having kids or parents to take care of. These 2 free months are a golden opportunity that we’re extraordinarily lucky to have – why not make the most of it?
Post # 15
I understand your thought process, I have an “in my mind perfect plan” that would let me plan while still in school and get married before starting my crazy associate lawyer life. It happening afterwards would be okay off course but I understand why you would want it then.