(Closed) Calmly asked "What's our timeline?"…and got shut down.

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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poeticallygreen:  My DH didn’t really understand that weddings take time to plan. Or at least he want good about putting all the pieces together to figure out how long each little step takes. So first, you have to establish that he really does want to still marry you. (“So are we still on the same page about getting married?”)

Once that is established, I would let him know that it takes 12-18 months to get a good venue. (although we booked ours 7 months before hand, but we only had 50 people. The larger the wedding, the longer the lead time.)

So then do the math for him–If you want to be married by Fall of 2016 we need to be engaged by X date or at least looking at places and possibly putting down a deposit before getting official engaged (if you are comfortable with that). Tell him where you want the break to be–meaning at the beginning of planning, the middle of planning or the end of planning. Then work out the time line that works best for you. And spell it out for him. 

Then let it go. 

Post # 32
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

So it seems like there’s a disconnect you need to clear up. If he’s on the same page but doesn’t want to ruin his surprise, how long dies the suspense portion of this show last? To me, that’s legitimate for a few months (3-4 months from having the ring) tops. After that, I’d be wondering. 

Post # 33
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2366 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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poeticallygreen:  I think eight years into a relationship you’re entitled to know where the other persons head is at. you are much calmer than I would’ve been. Id give this till you finish school and if there isn’t a ring, I’d be gone.

Post # 34
Member
2366 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

 

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fitchick89:  I totally respect where youre coming from. but theyve been together for almost a decade, and while I’m all for the shock and awe of a Suprise proposal….after all these years I’d be awed if she was shocked…lol I think this is an issue with discussing “timelines” I totally understand why women do this, I’m a planner myself. But why not create a timeline for yourself and leave him out of it completely. I decided when I was 30 I was going to stop playing the field and get serious. I started dating only men who espoused wanting to be married. Let me tell you it’s easier when you’re both in the same place mentally. I met my husband in January, he told me he was going to marry me on our first date, after he apologized for trying to valet the car at the wrong restaurant…lol eight weeks later I was his wife. So decide what you want and if this guy fits into YOUR timeline he gets to stay….if he doesn’t he’s not the one and onward and upward. 😉

Post # 35
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

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poeticallygreen:  you didnt do a single thing wrong, but he did refuse to treat you with dignity and respect. Instead of making it clear that you’re on the same level as partners he made it clear he wants to keep you cluelessly waiting while he holds all the cards. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

Post # 36
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

For the person who said “let him be a man:” this isn’t how gentlemen behave. This is kind of how childish exboyfriends behave. 

Post # 37
Member
1821 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Sounds like he is not really ready to commit to you. 7 years is a very long time to not know when he wants to marry you. You can choose to give him an ultimatum. If he is not ready to marry you now after 7 years of being together who knows if he ever will?

Post # 38
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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swonderful:  

This.  After 7.5 yrs invested, I would have to know if he planned to marry me & if so, nail things down.  After that much time, I’d feel I had to know so that if it were hopeless, I could cut my losses & move on to someone who would be eager to marry me.

He’s had plenty of time, IMO.  I think I’d insist on having the timeline talk again, but this would be the fish or cut bait version.

Post # 39
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

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sassy411:  Agree 100%. Look, my ex dated me from when I was 23-28, and I don’t think he had a single shard of guilt about potentially wasting my time if we weren’t going to get married. It’s up to us to look out for ourselves, because even guys who seem good can pull BS like that.

Post # 40
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

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jily:  Let me clarify that first, I didn’t know when I wrote my response that she had been in this relationship for close to 8 years. That changes things. I agree with you in that it makes life much easier when you’re with someone who is on the same page as you, in that you both want to be married. 

OP, you and SO are both youngish, so saying that you’ve been together for 7.5 years, when that basically means you started dating when you were 18/19, is a LOT different than someone who started dating at 26 and spent 7 years together. I get your desire to want to know if he’s going to want to marry you…that makes absolute sense. But, if I were you, I’d tell him MY desires and expectations (not in an ultimatum kind of way) and leave it there. But you may have to be prepared to to walk if he doesn’t step up to the plate, if marriage is truly what you want. Unless or until he actually asks you to be his wife, you’re still just the girlfriend… there are no guarantees. If I were you, I’d start to pull back a bit in the relationship, and start doing my own thing with my own friends a bit. A smart man will realize that something is up… Words don’t mean the same to them as seeing you having a good time, and living your own life.

Now, apparently, I’ve ruffled some feathers with all of the people who think I’m off base for saying to let him be a man. My point is not to throw women back into the 1950’s. I’m merely saying to be careful what you set yourself up for if you want to marry a man that you continue to respect as a man, and who doesn’t act like a helpless little boy.  If you do everything…then he’ll do less. If you push, then he’ll push in the opposite direction. I know this from experience. I’m not making this up. If you want your man to truly step up to the plate, then you have to let him…instead of trying to have so much control over the outcome. It’s just how they’re wired.

Post # 41
Member
2366 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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fitchick89:  i think you make some great points, I would definitely pull back a bit myself and see if he steps up to the plate 🙂

Post # 42
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve had almost this exact same convo with my SO many times, we had agreed marriage was our future and it made me so frustrated that he wouldn’t even give me a general ballpark of when. Now, he has, and told me that he will definitely propose sometime before my birthday this year (it’s in August). I think that before he just genuinely didn’t know. For some guys I think that knowing for sure that you want to marry someone doesn’t mean you are actually ready to get married. My SO told me after 4 months of dating that he wanted to be together forever, which I thought meant we were getting engaged soon, lol. Now we’ve been together for 2 and a half years and it’s actually going to be soon. He sounds really committed to you, just not ready to pin down dates yet! Hang in there! 

Post # 43
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee

I think some women are ok just waiting until whenever her partners decide they want to ask. Whether it takes 2 months or ten years. Some of us see it more of a joint decision where both parties need to know what is going on and the expectations of each other for the future, both immediate and long term are clear for everyone. Him giving you an idea of what’s to come  doesn’t have to mean he doesn’t get to surprise you. 

Some people are happy following traditional roles. Others not so much. Just a matter of what works for each person and makes them happy. I, for once, think that you don’t need a darn reason tO ask other than you want to know. It’s not like you are asking him exaclty what he’ll do, how he’ll do it and the exact time when he’ll do it.

Post # 44
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

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Sporty-Bee:  Your comment feels like it was directed at me, so I’m going to respond as if it were. This is not to create an argument…just to clarify. I never said a woman shouldn’t KNOW if marriage is in the cards. And I never said anyone should just hang around and wait forever… That is not me, and I would never waste my time with anyone like that. But, there’s a “what” and a “how”. The what, is that both people should be on the same page. OP and her boyfriend were so young when they got together, that marriage probably was not a huge priority for either of them. Does she even know if he wants to marry her? If she does, then cool… That’s the what. The how is tell him when you’d like to see it happen by, and then leave him the hell alone with it. Let the man have some dignity in being the man, and coming to the conclusion on his own.

For my marriage, I told my ex he had until 2 years, and I wasn’t going to waste my time past that point. I didn’t say it nearly as blunt as that, but that’s where I was, as I would have naturally started to lose interest in the relationship if he waited too much longer. Granted, I was close to 30, we’d bought a house and were living together at that time. I wasn’t interested in playing house nor having children out of wedlock. He proposed and we were married well within that timeframe. For current SO, seeing that we’re both divorced, I gave him longer as there isn’t the same sense of urgency (ie, kids and neither of us have wanted to rush into another marriage). But, still, he knows this is the year to make it happen. But, I’m not constantly in his face about it, whining and demanding a timeline because “it’s my right to know so I can plan”. It’s his decision to make it happen. If he doesn’t, he knows he will lose me. It’s not a threat. It’s not an ultimatum. It’s just a fact of what I’m willing to put into a relationship without the entire package. It’s the same concept, just done differently. And, as men, they need to feel like they are arriving at the decision on their own. Men are natural hunters and the good ones want to be able to provide for their families. It makes them feel like men. And it’s what draws us to them in the first place.

 

Post # 45
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

if men are natural hunters, what are women? natural gatherer? natural prey? sorry im not traditional and i don’t buy that idea. women don’t have to pretend to be dumb to make men feel smart, pretend to be weak to make men feel strong, pretend to be dependent so that men feel like providers. if that is who you are, that’s cool. some people are natural beta and they rely on alpha to survive. social animals like wolves live in packs with two alphas. humans have evolved a long way from hunter-gatherer lifestyle. don’t need to pretend to be someone you’re not just to be with a guy you think you want to be with but if this guy needs you to make him feel like a man then it’s probably a mismatch.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by malalalala.

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