(Closed) Calmly asked "What's our timeline?"…and got shut down.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
fitchick89:  probably a weird coincidence but not at all .Replied to the post having read only the very few first comments and my post was more in general because I know in some countries and some women in general prefer to just wait and let the guy choose. Nothing wrong with that at all. Just a matter of preference or styles. But I strongly feel that if the woman wants to have part and know not even the details but be clear of where things are going and the time it will take, she should definitely ask and have that conversation. Maybe that’s not how the guy wants to do things, then they need to reach common grounds or they should probably work over that type of stuff anyway before taking things any further. But just to clarify, no it wasn’t a response or in reference to your post ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 47
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
fitchick89:  This. 

All he did was ask why she wanted to steal his thunder. It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t want to marry you, just wants it to not have to be scheduled. From your other post, it seems you had a timeline talk and you got a rough estimate. You’re still young, so time isn’t running out. Even if the timeline to you has moved up a year, maybe it hadn’t for him. Maybe he was waiting so you could have the wedding and the ring of your dreams. He’s not immature. You said you had been looking at anywhere between 2016-2018ish for the ENGAGEMENT. Now all of a sudden it’s moved up by a year. That’s a lot of time when it comes to saving for a wedding and ring. I think you should step back (it’s soooo hard, trust me. I got engaged a whole year after I wanted to) and then revisit it in a few months. Maybe since you brought it up, it’ll get the wheels turning in his head and he’ll think about it. That’s what happened with mine, but then he wanted me to have a nice ring and make sure we’d be able to have some money to spend. He also may be giving short answers and being vague because he has a plan. It may not be tomorrow, but I bet he knows something. We are so quick to torch men, but they have a lot of pressure on them to make this perfect. I bet you he’s not as clueless as he seems. ๐Ÿ˜‰ 

Post # 48
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Pressure on men…what? Because she wants to have an idea of what’s happening with her life? What is the deal, do you seriously buy into this? I don’t understand why some of you act like she put a gun to his head and said “ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE THIS MONTH?” She asked for a really general timeframe and politely expressed her unease. A strong man, a gentleman, would pick up on that unease and do all he could to reassure her. That’s the role of the “man” you describe – to be a leader, to be calm, to direct things. Not to leave her floundering and confessing her unease to strangers because he didn’t help her.

There are many things he could have said to reassure her and give her an idea of his timeframe without spoiling whatever “surprise” or “thunder” he wants. In my opinion, he should have stepped up to the plate. I think he’s immature or clueless at best.

 

PS – Edited because I realized this was a response to several posts, not just one person.

Post # 49
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
poeticallygreen:  Men do what they want. If they want to marry you, they will. If they don’t want to (or if they’re not ready to), they won’t. No amount of nudging/talking/pressure will change their minds. However, if you open up their mind at the practicalities of both your situations, then he might realise that if he sees himself marrying you then he better do it soon. 

For example, in my case, my SO has known for a while now that I don’t mind moving to his home country with him in the future, but I specifically stated that I wouldn’t be comfortable moving to another country for him if we’re not married. In our initial ‘timeline talks’ he always said that he doesn’t know if he was ready yet, but maybe within the next 1-3 years. However, his plan is that he wants us to move in about a year. So in our latest ‘talk’ I pointed out to him that if he wants us to move next year, then we better be married before then, and I also told him that it takes ages to plan for a wedding so a proposal better happen soon. He realised this as if a light bulb just lighted up in his brain, lol. And now we’re planning our wedding ๐Ÿ™‚

Bottom line is, while men can’t be nudged into doing things, sometimes you can use their own future plans as your weapon to make them realise that marriage is a pre-requisite to achieving those plans ๐Ÿ˜‰ And in my case it worked wonderfully ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 50
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I mean in general. Yeah, we are “waiting” and it sucks, but we also complain about having the perfect ring and the perfect proposal all on our time. Yes, I do think we put pressure on men. I couldn’t please half the girls who are waiting for a proposal. There’s always something wrong. I just stated that they did have a talk before and agreed on a general timeline. So the guy rushes and buys a ring, but he can’t afford the one we like or can’t take us to the top of the Eiffel Tower because we couldn’t give him the time he wanted to save up. Yes, they’ve been together a while, but it was straight out of high school. They are just moving into the settling down stage as their schooling is winding down. Let him be financially set like it was first agreed upon. 

Post # 51
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I also was in the same boat and my SO basically told me the exact same thing. His reasoning was that to was supposed to be a surprise and that’s why he didn’t want me to know anything. While we haven’t been together for 8 years we have been together for almost 4 years we are also older than you by a few years, but I had to let him know that we have been talking about getting married for so long that at this point it is not a surprise and that I am no longer excited about the proposal. I think the jarred him awake a little bit he wanted to know why I wasn’t excited and I kindly let him know because I have nothing to be excited about. You can not be excited about something you do not know even a range of when it it is coming because if you do get excited you are setting yourself up for failure. He continues to say but you know it’s coming adn I had to then further explain but its coming could be 5 days to 5 years why would I want to be excited about that. Once I put it that way he understood and let me know it would be this year. So while I don’t have an exact or small frame timeline I do know that within this year whether it’s next month or Christmas of this year it is coming.

Hopefully putting it in terms he can understand, I used video game analogies lol,  will help him to understand why a timeline is helpful as for him not wanting to marry you I do not think that is the case at all. I think he does indeed want to marry you but just doesn’t understand that waiting gets annoying more than anything especially if you don’t know what you are waiting for. 

Post # 52
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

View original reply
poeticallygreen:  I don’t know details but to me it actually sounds like maybe he’s just trying to throw you off, or has it set in his mind when but doesn’t want to tell you so it’s a surprise? I could see my husband doing that if I asked him about it before we were engaged

Post # 53
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Hawksnest Cove Beach St John USVI

View original reply
jily:  I love your story. I had the same realization and DH says he knew he wanted to marry me on our first date. in fact, he called his mom after date 2 and told her he had found the one. He proposed after 3 months and we had a year and a half engagement. 

OP, he may not want to get married. Some guys will find any excuse to push things off. Oh, the year and a half engagement was not needed at all. I called my wedding planner in December 2013 about a Valentines wedding and she thought I meant in 2014 not 2015. She said she still could have made that happen.  I spent most of our engagement not doing any wedding plans because it was too far in advance. After the Save-The-Date Cards went out we didn’t do any major planning until 3 or 4 months before. 

Post # 54
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

While I agree with pp that you don’t need a year and a half to plan a wedding, that’s not really the issue here. You’re an adult and you’ve been in a relationship with him for 7 years. This whole concept that women are basically supposed to walk around blindfolded in their relationship with no idea of what the future holds so a proposal can be a “surprise” is really sexist and disempowering–and tbh, I think most men who use that excuse are just trying to put it off (in some cases, indefinitely). My fiance didn’t tell me the exact day he was going to propose, but we were both very transparent about our plans for each other from the get go, and I knew approximately when he would propose. 

I think you need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your boyfriend. Ask him if he has concerns about getting married. Since you’ve been together since you were young, he might have concerns about not having really been with anyone else. 

And maybe I’m wrong, but I’m not sure if “wanting to have the wedding during your two months off” is the issue for you either–I think you want to have a commitment, which is normal. Just be honest with him. Saying that you need to know so that you can start planning your wedding a year and a half from now seems a little more frivolous than that you need to be treated like a person with agency in your relationship.

Post # 55
Member
3196 posts
Sugar bee

I’m really hoping that he has something solid in mind and his unwillingness to talk is just because he didn’t want to let any details slip. However, it seems like your time line has changed for what you would like in life and his has not, despite some changes in your careers timelines. In my opinion, when you sit down for another talk in a few months, you should let him know that the changes in your career timelines has triggered a change in your relationship timeline and that you would like to be married by 2016 or 2017, or whatever. Ask him if he sees you being married at that time and whether he understands the challenges of planning a wedding. If he is reassuring you that he is taking steps to make those things happen, and that he wants the same things as you, then I would just accept it as a rough time line. However, if he keeps dodging any sort of date then I would be very worried that he was just stringing me along.

ETA: all the people chastising the OP for wanting a rough time line kind of irk me. Men dodging giving a time line has been a classic tactic for stringing women along getting what they want and not putting a ring on it because they don’t actually want the commitment and responsibilities. So no I don’t think she is in the wrong for asking for reassurance and concrete evidence that he is moving towards a permanent commitment

Post # 56
Member
3031 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

I’d much rather plan a wedding while working a full time job then try to plan a wedding while finishing my last year of school (tests, projects, graduation, low cash flow) AND then looking for a job…  but you’re a better judge of your time/stress management and the type of job you’ll be getting. 

And yes you can plan a wedding quick. But it depends on your expectations and what you want. I only had 10 months and I wish i would have had a bit more time. We were really restricted on dates and venues and other vendors because many were already booked for the time of year we wanted. I only got to go dress shopping once to 2 stores and basically had to make my decision then because if i wanted a “bridal store” dress it was going to take up to 6months to come in and needed ordered ASAP. I would have loved to look around more. I loved trying on dresses! We also didn’t do much in terms of caterer/food/cake tasting or any of the parts of the wedding that seem fun. We didn’t have an engagement party. etc. It worked out fine and getting married is more important, but if you can allow yourself the luxuary of time – use it to take your time and enjoy planning.

Post # 57
Member
8 posts
Newbee

I think you’re being completely reasonable. A lot of girls on here saying you shouldn’t be pressuring your guy… The same time you also have a right to know. You both have invested a lot of time together. And if you want to  have a future with him you actually need to know what his plans are as well. Some guys are pretty content living with their partners for the rest of their life without marriage – if that’s the case then you need to know. Especially if you’re not okay with that.Plus you also have to think for yourself. If he tells you that he won’t marry you for another two years, is that something you’re willing to wait on? 26 is plenty old to have some general idea about the future, especially when you’ve known each other for more than seven years.

Post # 58
Member
39 posts
Newbee

I completely understand where you’re coming from, OP! I actually JUST had a convo with my SO last night about this very same topic. Previously, he has completely shut down when I tried to talk timelines, and it was frustrating the hell out of me. He’s said that he “wants it to be a surprise” and that he “has a plan,” without letting it be a dialogue.

So last night, I really explained that to him: in a year and a half, we’ll both be moving, he’ll be starting a new job, and I’ll be job hunting. Ideally, I’d like to either have the wedding out of the way before then or wait for a while after we move. That just makes sense. As I ran through the stressful things that we’re gonna have to deal with, and the logic behind my thoughts, I think it just clicked for him. He just honestly hadn’t thought of any of that. It opened up a dialogue for us to discuss the other things that we want to factor in to our life planning.

The point being: I think what you’re asking is completely fair, and I think your SO might just not get it. Not because he doesn’t want to marry you, but because he hasn’t thought about things in the same way. Walking him through your thought process might help.

 

Post # 59
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
fitchick89:  I am totally in the same boat as you! People have such an issue if you disagree with them, meanwhile they can disagree with you all they want AND mock you at the same time. Come on! I have a feeling what fitchick is saying is more along the lines of “maybe he’s embracing this part of tradition, so think about letting him if you’re comfortable with it!” and is NOT saying “WHY HAVE YOU LEFT THE KITCHEN OP, MEN ARE TALKING.” 

Good luck OP, to me it sounds like he has something up his sleeve!

Post # 60
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

 

View original reply
dz830:  I agree. It does sound like he has it planned and wants to surprise you.  That’s understandable.  I’m saying that because of the specific words he chose for his response. 

The topic ‘Calmly asked "What's our timeline?"…and got shut down.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors