(Closed) Came out to FI about bisexuality, and his response was… (long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@mumeishi:  It’s great that he is supportive and the conversation went well, but my question is are you still planning to go ahead and marry him if you now consider yourself “queer”?

Post # 33
Member
1283 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@sillysillybee:  Why wouldn’t she…people get married all the time to people they love.

Post # 34
Hostess
10350 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

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@Rachel631:  totally unfamiliar with that! I’ll check it out when I’m out of class.  I’m being a slacker on my phone ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 36
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First I want to agree with the other Bees your Guy sounds like he is very secure in his relationship with you… and that is a good thing.

As to the “aren’t you all” comment

Truthfully… I belive this comes from a basic belief by Men that women are fascinating creatures… “Smoking Hot” and that in some way we must all want to have sex with each other (afterall that is their genetic make up… they spend a lot of time thinking about sex with us… and of course if he is a Porn Watcher… that is often part of the story line scenario… women who make out with them and each other)

In reality, not all of us women are Gay or Bi.

Some of us just prefer men.

Where it does get complicated tho, is women have this amazing “bond” as friends in the female sisterhood… and statistically it is true that a lot of women experiment with other women to some degree at some point in their lives

Be it “practice kissing” as an early teen, or further explorations in our mid to late teens, to full on sex in our 20s or beyond

We have that ability to experiment without social scandal a lot more than men do with other men

Many of us have explored our own sexuality in this way and then made a determination of what we want to be… Gay, Bi, Hetro

Once you are Hetro… and you know you prefer / desire Men, it is pretty difficult to be sexually curious / interested / aroused by a female.  It just doesn’t happen

In the same way that it doesn’t happen for men who are straight to be turned on / attracted to another male.

— — —

It is good to know that you are coming to more understand your own sexuality… no matter what age one does that at… it is ALWAYS a good thing.

And it is great to hear your guy is supportive.  I would encourage you to keep the conversation / lines of communication open on frank & honest level.

That is the most important element in a marriage… in keeping it real, loving & healthy.

 

Post # 38
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@FoolsintheRain:  

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@mumeishi:  

Ok just to clarify where I am coming form…in MY mind (and my mind only), if someone is queer then that means they are gay, homosexual. Which is why I asked whether she would still marry her Fiance since she considered herself “queer”. I guess the word can mean different things to different people.

Post # 39
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mumeishi: Good for you! So glad you were able to feel comfortable telling him and so awesome that he responded positively and is supportive. That would totally confirm for me that I was marrying the right man.

Post # 40
Member
10635 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@mumeishi:  Why queer instead of bi?  I’m fine with whatever term someone chooses to use for themselves, but personally I would go with the simplier one, and to me bi would be the more understood one.

Post # 42
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t know if this will be a popular opinion, but just know that’s it’s mine and it’s just that, my opinion. I went to a liberal arts college where I took a whole class on bisexuality as well as prejudice & discrimination, modern day sexuality, etc. not that makes me qualified by any means but that I’ve thought about these issues deeply for years.

I’m a little concerned about FI’s response that it’s no big deal. While I agree that it’s good he’s accepting, I’d be concerned he doesn’t understand what it means for you, for him, and it sounds like a bit of a brush off. Thinking all girls are bisexual is troublesome in and of itself and illustrates his ignorance about it. Women being attracted to women is something that society and the media perpetuates as women are used as tools for men’s enjoyment. Which is why it’s OK for girls to like girls (to an extent), but not guys liking guys in the same way women are used.

I would have a heart to heart with him about all you told us. About your journey, your struggled, your questionning. And explore it together.

Post # 44
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@mumeishi:  That’s great that you finally feel comfortable talking about your identification!

I am bisexual (pansexual actually) and only really admitted it to myself after meeting my now-husband (I was 19 when we met and in serious denial). I now comfortably sit right in the middle of the kinsey scale ๐Ÿ™‚

Before we were married we had some serious discusisons because I was so afraid of marrying him and feeling like I was shutting down half of my identity – like I would no longer be welcome in the LGBTTQ community because I presented outwardly as straight since I was marrying a man. I talked a lot, to a lot of friends as I tried to sort this internal struggle out. The most helpful was one of my best friends who is trans. He helped me understand that being married wasn’t shutting one side of me down, but allowing for a strong relationship where I could potentially express all sides of me with my husbands support (my husband supported my urges and we are experimenting with having a woman join us in the future – slowly easing into it). 

Knowing that I was supported on all sides really helped me come to terms with my struggle and when we were married this past October all my fears and worries were settled. I didn’t have to have everything figured out and neither do you. Just work with and communicate with your partner and whatever is best for you two is what’s best. 

Congratulations on coming out! It feels great doesn’t it?

Post # 45
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@mumeishi:  Ok gotcha. That makes much more sense to me now. Ok in that case then I think it’s great that you were honest with your Fiance and I find it funny (in a very good way) that he already knew. How comforting to realise that he knows you so well and also loves you so much.

Post # 46
Member
2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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@sillysillybee:  Someone once explained to me that being bisexual and being monogamous are two completely different things…so just because OP is bisexual it has NO bearing on her being monogamous with her partner…which her partner already seems to understand.

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