(Closed) Came out to FI about bisexuality, and his response was… (long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
1776 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@mumeishi:  I’m glad he was so supportive!  You don’t need to label yourself unless you want to!  I think they mean different things to different people.  For me, I see bi-sexual as a person who would be equally happy having a relationship (and sex) with a man or a woman.  I see bi-curiousity as a person who wants a relationship with the opposite sex, but might like to have sexual relations with the same sex (but not an emotional relationship). As long as you are happy with yourself, that’s what matters!

Post # 48
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@mumeishi:  Your Fiance is awesome! Seriously, how adorable is he?! I came in here expecting some horrible reaction from him and then he completely proves me wrong. That is a standup guy right there!

I think he has a good point though. I think that a lot of women are attracted (to varying extents) other women or, at the very least, can appreciate when someone is beautiful or attractive.

Personally, I have always found myself curious about being with a woman. . . but I have never had the desire to actually make it a reality. I’m more than happy with my Fiance and don’t want to be with anyone else. Sounds like you feel the same.

Post # 49
10635 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@mumeishi:  Thanks for explaining!  That makes sense to me.  Sometimes the simple term is too simple.

Post # 50
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think it’s awesome that you finally explored and admitted this about yourself. I bet it’s a huge weight off your shoulders. And your Fiance sounds fantastic. You picked a great one! Kudos to him for “getting it” – for understanding that even though you may be attracted to the same sex, you are still committed to him. A lot of people don’t understand how that’s possible.

You mentioned a few times about coming out to your family. I’m not sure that’s necesary. I mean, I’m attracted to guys with Mexican gang tattoos. My husband is not a Mexican gangster. He knows about my little attraction, and he knows I’d never act on it. But no one else in my life needs to know that. All they need to know is that I am happy with my husband. I’m not being dishonest with them by not sharing it; I’m just not making my personal preferences their business. Granted, being bisexual is a much bigger part of your identity than being attracted to cholos, but I still think it’s no one ele’s business now that you’ve found someone you’re spending your life with anyway. if you were single, that’d be different. If someone point blank asks you, or a relative wants to have a frank conversation about his/her sexuality or something, I’d say it’s cool to be open about it. But I just don’t see the need to “come out” to anyone whom it doesn’t affect.

As far as the bi vs queer label…it’s  your identity – you pick the word you’re comfortable with.

Post # 52
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@mumeishi:  I just wanted to say this was awesome to read! You have a great Fiance for being so understanding and making you laugh during what sounds like a tense and nerve-wracking moment =)

I think alot of women are attracted to other women as well. My first sexual type experience was actually with a girlfriend when we were both very young at a sleepover at her house. I’ve since dated one other woman for not much time but I never thought that sexuality was black and white and that a good chunk of the population is bi but society and family and religion hold them back from ever exploring that part of their sexuality. 

Post # 53
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

to clarify – i don’t think there’s any reason to hide it or that you should be at all ashamed. I hope it doesn’t sound like that. I just don’t know if it’s worth the stress of other people’s negative or confused reactions at this point. But I’ve never been burdened with this kind of secret, so, I could be wrong

Post # 54
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’ve always found these definitions limiting because I don’t know where I fit. I’ve been with a woman – well, several – but I always knew I wanted my life partner to be a man. I don’t know what I am (other than a panda, of course). 

OP, I’m glad this all went well for you! Guys have never had an issue when I told them. In fact, many thought they would be getting threesomes (some did, some didn’t). I’m not sure it’s important for me to define it. I’m happy, that’s all that matters. 

Post # 56
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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@AB Bride:  Queer studies is intimately related to feminism. It is one pathway of many which explores how gender is not innate but is a construct which is biological, social, cultural, and many other things.

“Queer” is used here in the sense of “unfamiliar”… as in: “I don’t remember seeing that car on the driveway earlier. Isn’t that queer?”. The idea is to make the familiar (eg gender, sexuality) unfamiliar by questioning its surface appearance as natural and innate.

Once gender and sexuality are unmasked and are no longer considered to be natural, this acts as a platform from which to explore alternate meanings and social constructions of human relations.

The opposite of queer, as OP points out, is “cis”. To be “cis gendered” is to fulfil the social and biological expectations of your sexual and gendered social role in an unproblematic and expected manner.

I don’t consider myself to be cis gendered, particularly, and I think a lot of people feel the same!

Post # 57
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@mumeishi:  Your Fiance sounds so sweet, and I’m so happy for you that he responded the way he did!

Post # 58
6571 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mumeishi:  That’s a really great reaction of your Fiance. You are lucky! I could see that going very badly. Good for you guys.

Post # 59
1283 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@sillysillybee:  Ah! Yeah, I’m sure you’ve already read other replies to this, so I won’t jump in again 🙂

Post # 60
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I know for a fact that I’m not sexually or romantically attracted to women, so I find his comment rather offensive.

And my Fiance is bisexual. 

But of course, it is far more acceptable for a woman to be bisexual than a man.  

From what I have seen on here in the past, the replies wouldn’t have been even near as supportive if it had been your Fiance who had told you he was bisexual.


Post # 61
441 posts
Helper bee

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@BrandNewBride:  Yup.  That’s what I was going to say.  Some things make wonderful fantasies but are just kinda ‘eh once you try them out. OP might need to ask SO for permission to smooch.  It only took a few kisses for me to realize that while women are sooo much more attractive than men (we smell good, we aren’t hairy) that I wasn’t really interested.

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