- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
Hi bees. I’m having a bit of a dilemma, and I’m sorry that this will probably turn out to be a long post.
I’m married to a very nice man, who I love very much. However, his behavior seems to be increasingly selfish, and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’m sure that it’s somewhat my fault just for letting him get away with acting the way that he does, but, in my defense, I have talked to him about this many, many times. I’m also reconsidering TTC because I feel like, at this point, I will be the one left to take care of a baby while he continues to do whatever he pleases.
DH’s first love is sports (especially football). This wouldn’t be a problem if it didn’t consume him all the time, or if he even put anything that I cared about on the same level that he puts football. For example, he can break plans or be “too tired” to do anything with me, but if FOOTBALL is on, I had better know not to expect him to be around, no matter what. He is insanely loud during the football games, so unless I leave the house (which is pretty large, so I SHOULD be able to muffle it a little) I can’t get away from his temper tantrum of stomping around and yelling at the top of his lungs (which is how he watches football).
Lately, I’ve noticed that this extends beyond football, but I’ve really fixated on football as the problem in the past. It’s becoming clearer to me that we always do what HE wants to do, and I end up tagging along, but it is never reciprocated. I’m pretty easygoing in general, and agreeing with what he wants may not have bothered me in the past, but now I’m realzing that everything we do, we do on his schedule. Frankly, it sucks the fun right out of any plan I have wanted to do when his immediate answer is he’s “tiiiired” and tomorrow we can do what I want (and then he turns on sports or whatever he wants to watch on tv). I’ve made it a point to at least TRY to be involved with his interests (I had never been to a football game before dating him, for example, but I went to several with him), but he refuses to do things with me that I’ve always wanted to try.
He also has a habit of flat out ignoring what I want. He’ll agree with me, and then pretend it never happened. For example, we were going to possibly get a puppy, which was my idea, but he agreed. The plan was just to look around, and we didn’t HAVE to get one right away. Well, anytime that we have planned to go, or I suggest that we stop to look somewhere, he refuses. It’s driving me insane that he doesn’t seem to care about my feelings or what I want, especially because he will drag his feet when we have planned to go somewhere and look at puppies, and then act like he never said he would go.
Additionally, I’m having a very tough time with my self esteem, and he has been less than supportive. I’m waiting to see a doctor, but I suspect I have PCOS, and one of those reasons is very rapid weight gain. I started out very skinny but I’ve packed on a decent amount of weight recently, which has really devastated my self confidence and made me generally miserable, especially because I’ve been CONSTANTLY working to get it off, but keep gaining. Any time I try to talk about this to him, just because I feel horrible about myself and need support, he dismisses it. It has been especially hard for me during the holidays because I would like to look nice for different parties, etc, but none of my clothes fit properly anymore. When we were on our way somewhere recently, I told him that I’m frustrated and upset about this, and it’s hard for me to face people that I know, because all that I can think about is how uncomfortable I am and how bad I must look. I was upset and just needed to say it to SOMEONE and he replies by saying “so do you just want me to turn around and take you home?”.
I know that he has never been great with words, or knowing what to say, but it feels like he doesn’t even try, or care anymore, and I NEED him to care. I don’t know if there is any advice that anyone can give me, and I hope that I don’t sound too whiny and awful. I promise, in real life I don’t talk about this all the time, but it’s really becoming all that I can think about, and I’m generally unhappier because of it…. yet Darling Husband doesn’t seem to care as long as I leave him alone when football is on. He really is a nice person, but he seems to be more and more involved with what HE wants only, and I’m left feeling unsupported and unimportant to him.