(Closed) Can a relationship work if you love but you're not in love with someone?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
42 posts
  • Wedding: January 2007

Wait a few years and you’ll fall head over heels for him and you won’t even know how or when it happened. Not to undermine fiery passion, but it’s nothing compared to long term companionship. Real love only gets stronger with time, so strong that your S/O becomes a part of you. it will take a few years, but it’ll happen if you’re both compatible.

Post # 62
2 posts
  • Wedding: June 2013

rhapsodos :  Oh, I absolutely agree that it’s not all about passion but there should still be some after the bubbles settle. Attraction on all levels is important.  If you find yourself looking at this person and asking “who is this and what the hell just happened to my feelings for them?” I think that throws the comparability question out the window.  Does it mean you give up all at once? No. I believe in giving the dust time to settle and seeing where the heart is after it all, unless mental or physical abuse is at play. In my case, mental abuse changed my heart for my husband.  Does it mean you can’t love them in a different way?  No.  But you have to assess that ability to relate and decide how hard you want to work to relate and how much it’s worth it in the end because you vowed to. You have to decide what you’re willing to accept and settle for.  Resistance resonates truth and love does change. It either grows stronger or it shifts into another level and sadly, sometimes it shifts into loathing. If you’re lucky,  when it becomes absolutely necessary to move on,  you know it and hopefully,  you can remain friends through it and accept the shift. Vows are not worth breaking of spirit or unhappiness.

Post # 63
36 posts
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Ironwoods Beach, Maui

My dad always said, “Don’t marry someone that you can live with.  Marry the person you can’t live without.”

To me, that says it all right there.  A few other PP’s stated something along those lines: “I could/couldn’t live without him.”  When it’s real love, I don’t think it’s the feelings you have when you are together that matter (those can fade but the love can still be there), it’s more the feelings you have when apart.  The “OMG, if I lost him I’d be crushed” sentiment.

If you’re in doubt, try some time apart.  The time apart will either draw you back in towards him if it’s real or it will cause you to drift further apart.

Post # 64
392 posts
Helper bee

I think there are many different ways to experience being in love. I was married once before my current marriage. I was eighteen. He was my first love. We were obsessed with each other, but it was a very unhealthy relationship. I’ve since compared other relationships to what I had with him and wondered if I’d ever feel anything like that again. The answer, it turns out, is no I won’t. But then again, I’ll never be eighteen and in love for the first time ever again either. 

Ive been with my current husband for sixteen years. It’s a very different kind of love. Less dramatic, but much deeper, and at the end of the day better. I am absolutely in love with my husband, by throughout the years I think we’ve both fallen in and out of love with each other, while always still loving each other, if that makes sense. Hope this helps! 

Post # 65
19 posts

I think you need both passion and friendship for the ideal combo. Not to say it cant work but great sex and getting “your type” is really important. I had to do some sneaky buisness and dump a few “nice” guys until I finally found one that is not only nice but has that passion and style I wanted. It really is worth the wait in my opinion. I cant imagine how miserable I would have been if I settled. 


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