Can a rocky relationship ever lead to marriage?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee

I can tell you I literally know nobody who broke up with their boyfriend at your age who had any regrets about it. 

Post # 3
Member
6502 posts
Bee Keeper

It was reasonable for him to want to explore life as a single man in his early college years–he was honest with you. If you can’t be okay with what happened when the two of you were not together you should end the relationship.

You are both still so young. He didn’t cheat on you, he wanted to experience more before settling down. That’s pretty normal. It’s a big reason why high school romances rarely lead to marriage. 

You made your own choice to not explore other relationships while you were broken up. Now you have to choose if you can get past his other relationships or not. If you’re not sure, let him go and get out into the world a bit before contemplating marriage. If you do decide to accept him as he is, past and all, then really do it or you will ultimately destroy your relationship. 

Post # 4
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I feel like if you were 30 then it would be different, because you would have time to explore everything that’s out there. But coming from my own experience, I think that it makes relationships really hard when one person had a year of experimenting and trying new experiences and the other didn’t. Especially when the person that didn’t was patiently waiting on the person who did. Whether your relationship will work or not, that’s more dependent on whether you can move on from the rockiness, rather than the rockiness itself. But remember that you’re young and if there are doubts there is no reason (barring a child) to try and make it work. You can always come back to each other if you’re truly meant to be. 

Post # 6
Member
9608 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

younginlove96 :  an ex of mine couldn’t handle the fact I slept with another guy while we were broken up.  I eventually dumped him because, among other things, I was sick and tired of him holding it against me when I did nothing wrong.  He’d act like he was clearly the better person/more committed person/bigger person in the relationship because he managed to “get past” my “infidelity” (and therefore he apparently had a trump card to win every single argument).  No thanks.

Oh, and like your boyfriend I did use the excuse of I was drunk/high.. because despite the fact I really didn’t need an excuse somehow he backed me in to a corner with all his caterwauling.  Truthfully? I was just sad and angry my then-boyfriend had broken up with me and decided to find someone to distract me.  

So my advice is get over it–and I really mean OVER it, or move on.  It’s toxic and unfair for you to hold him getting together with someone else while you were broken up against him.  I personally am leaning towards moving on for you.  First because I don’t know how you’re supposed to get over it (like me just telling you to get over it clearly wont do the trick) and second because I think some experimenting of your own sounds like it’d be for the best..

Post # 7
Member
6502 posts
Bee Keeper

younginlove96 :  You are both still in college, I assume? 

Based upon your posts your resentment is clear. Perhaps the two of you should take a long break and explore the world on your own. If you are meant to be you will come back to one another. 

Post # 9
Member
6502 posts
Bee Keeper

younginlove96 :  It sounds as if you each had a chance to sow your oats. Only you know if you can truly put the past where it belongs or if this will become something you bring up every time you argue until you kill the relationship anyway. 

People change so much in their early 20s — it’s hard enough to take a relationship from college to a lasting marriage as it is without this baggage. If you really don’t think you can let it go then move on.  

Post # 10
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2020

You said it all here:

My problem is, I dont know how to get over the past. I dont know how I could eventually marry someone that at the very beginning of our relationship didnt prioritize me or respect me honestly. I know he’s not like that anymore…and would never do those things again, but I am not sure how I can get over it. I love who he is TODAY and has been for the last year, but I HATE who he was the first year of our relationship. 

I hate to be negative here, but yes, you can marry him.  Will you have a good marriage?:  probably not.  You both need healing, couple’s counseling and time.  Don’t rush it.  You may find that though you love someone, it does not mean that “he’s the one–the right one.”  

I can only speak from my experiences and this happened to me.  I was married for a year to a man I was so in love with, my head was always spinning.  We were both young an inexperienced.  After marriage, it was worse than ever.  It lasted one and one-half years.  I had to have my father and a cop escort him out of our apartment (which I paid for, incidentally — yes $ issues).  I will always have a place for him in my heart, but so happy I moved on.  Four years later, after lots of therapy, moved to a new location, new job, worked out, got trim, healthy and sexy– took care of MYSELF, for a chang–I met the man of my dreams.  

God bless us all!  Good luck.

 

Post # 11
Member
4864 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It doesn’t matter if anyone else had success after a bad start. That doesn’t guarantee anything for you. 

Marriage is not an end goal, it’s a continuation of a relationship. It’s the next step. It’s not like once the knot is tied everything is guaranteed to be just fine going forward. 

You don’t need to get married right away. Take time to let the relationship develop. See if you can work through the past or if this is not what you want. You don’t need to decide right now. That being said don’t waste too much time in a relationship if you are sure his past is a problem for you. 

Post # 12
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

I know it’s so hard to let go of something when you are IN it. I have to tell you though, the resilience that you build with heartbreak will continue to serve you. I’m in my late 20’s and tried to hold onto some serious relationships from my early 20’s. I thank the STARS those didn’t work out. As you get older, what is attractive to you changes. I’m not trying to be a know it all but I guarantee everyone at 30 is different than at 20. You’re going to be just fine. Use this time to focus on yourself, not for him but really and truly for you. Right when you least expect it, someone else could come and notice what you have to offer and you get a fresh start…

Post # 13
Member
1380 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

If you are going to stay with him then my suggestion is to not put your dreams after your relationship. You are young and you will want to get life experience after school. Work,friendships,travel,living alone/with roommates etc…go and do all the things you want to do! Your partner should grow with you and should not want you to miss out on opportunities. If he’s the real deal he will be right along side with you even if he can’t be there in person. Encouraging each other to chase their dreams and still be connected.

It can be done but if you grow apart or end up not wanting the same things that’s ok too, it’s almost expected for that to happen and should it not then you can proudly say you are the exception and that it was all a natural progression.

But the thing is, you have to get over your resentment. Go to therapy alone and together. Work on your relationship and if it’s meant to be it will be.

I am an example of high school sweeathearts making it but I know for a fact I am an exception and what a journey it’s been! Looking forward to the rest! No one person can tell you what you should do and no one knows what the future holds. Trust your gut and live your life. Good luck! You have much to look forward to (with or without him) 😊

Post # 14
Member
23 posts
Newbee

I also am young (born in 95) and I think you should meet somebody you are more compatible with. I disagree with the ‘you should get over it’ remarks. Off again on again relationships almost never work long term, especially when the person sleeps with anybody else. The fact that he was willing to lose you at any point in my opinion means it should’ve been permanent. In a good relationship, you don’t want to live without each other- and in marriage, you’re committing yourself to that idea. If that can’t be the way it is before engagement or marriage, I don’t really feel like it’ll get better after either. 

Post # 15
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Hi Bee, I’m not sure what is right for you, but here are my two cents:

I dated a guy in high school and had a rocky time when we went off to college. We eventually broke up because he cheated, got back together after about a year. He was also seen as a catch. He was very devoted and sweet after we got back together. Eventually I broke it off. I’m not sure why or how to explain it but things just didn’t feel right for me, even though I loved him. Looking back I don’t regret it at all, I had lots of amazing life experiences I definitely wouldn’t have had with him, and I ended up marrying a truly fantastic guy who has many many qualities I didn’t even know I wanted from that first relationship. So I’m happy that that rocky relationship did not lead to marriage.

Just remember, it’s not like a toy you can’t put down because then other kids will want to play with it – meaning don’t just stay with him because you think it’s what you should want since everyone else seems to want it. It’s your life. Trust your gut and so what is right for you. 

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