- 2 years ago
Hi, I’ve been lurking around on this site for quite a long time now and finally made an account. 🙂 I apologize if this turns out to be quite long but I have a lot bottled up inside.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now, so not long in the grand scheme of things, but I knew from the second date that he was the man I wanted to marry. I fell hard and fast for him and have never been happier in a relationship and the same for him. I’m his first serious girlfriend since he’s only had 2 before and they were online and only met them a couple of times and they didn’t last long. I’m 26 and he’s 31. We both have stable jobs and savings and are talking of living together next year. We constantly tell each other we love each other and he is the most kind caring, paitent genorous man I have ever met and is so accomodating to making time for me when our work schedules clash so much (I’m a chef working weekends and late nights whilst he has a weekday 9-5 job) We are very open and honest to one another and we are both on the same page when it comes to children (we don’t have or want them) and we both want to get married, not because of religious reasons but as a symbolic event and the value we hold to marriage. We both only want one partner for life and we have discussed themes, styles and joked around about what sort of cake we’d have.
I’m just so so desperate to get engaged though and it’s hurting me so much inside. My 2 best friends both got engaged before I met my boyfriend, and one got married after we had been together a month and the other is getting married in May and i’m her bridesmaid. Everytime she mentions her wedding, dress or details I try so so harrd to be happy for her but I just want to cry. I am someone who if i’m not happy with something in my life, then I am very headstrong and stubborn and I will do everything in my power to solve it, but this isn’t just down to me. I am not a very paitient person and don’t like waiting.
I just feel like I’m at the stage of my life now where I want to settle and just have one serious relationship. Marriage has always been my ultimate life goal and I refused to date anyone who didn’t want marriage in the future or thought it was pointless.
I’ve tried tallking to my boyfriend about timelines, like I’ve always envisioned that at this age I would be engaged and then married about 28/29 and buying a house after (something I would never do without being engaged or married to someone). My boyfriend says he doesn’t like a timeline since he says he wants to propose when it feels right and not just because there is a date on the calender he has to rush towards. He wants it to happen naturally and make it special. He told me if he were to propose now, it would be more because he feels it’s expected of him and that’s not the reason he wants to propose to me. He’s mentioned to me that right now a ring won’t change our relationship at all since we wouldn’t be married yet.I’ve told him that it’s more I want that ‘promise’ and stability that it’ll bappen~ I’m not ready to get married yet at all and as I said to him I want a long engagement so we don’t need to plan quickly and can go at a more relaxed pace and just enjoy the engaged phase.
I told him the other day that even if we got engaged now it doesn’t mean we have to get married yet, so nothing would really change. He has mentioned though ideally he’d like to live together first.
I guess I’m just so scared of ending up like some women you see who have waited years for a proposal that’s never arrived. My boyfriend has anxiety issues and i’m worried that might affect him and when he’ll propose.
He lets me burble on about weddings and dresses to him a lot and goes a long with it and says that the wedding will be wonderful. I have tried keeping all my desperate thoughts inside and always end up spilling them out to him and I’m just so scared of pesterign him and pushing away but he’s nothing but reassuring.
Sometimes I wonder if he tries to throw me off, like he knows how stressed I am at work and engagement thoughts and envy consuming my mind and he mentioned the other day when we see each other on Friday he’ll give me an early christmas present and it’ll be something to help calm my nerves. I know that could be anything and 99.9% not likely to be a ring, but there is a small irrational part inside of me thinking it just could be?
It feels as if i’m constantly have wedding shoved at me, engagements all round and even at work, my collegues (all male so not expected!) asking when I’m getting engaged and wht will our wedding be like, and talking about a collegues proposal he’s planning next year and their stag night!
Thank you for reading this, I guess it’s not really a question I’m asking but more of a mini rant? I’d appreciate any adivice you may have for me or thoughts? 🙂
P.S: if anyone believes in zodiac signs I am a Scorpio (Aries moon and Cancer rising) and he’s a Capricorn.