Can anyone help make this easier for me?

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think you should get engaged when you’re both ready to get married.  It seems silly to me to say will you marry me, sure but not for a couple of years…Imagine- will you date me, sure but let’s not start for a few months or will you move in with me, sure but it’s too fast so I’m going to sign another lease and we’ll talk about it in a year.

You want what your friends have because you have a great partner who you’re dating just as so many around you are getting engaged/married/talking about/asking about marriage.  This is normal.  Try to get over it.  Y’all are barely past the honeymoon stage, breathe, enjoy the smaller steps for a while.

Post # 3
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds like you want a ring and a story more than anything. Why get engaged if you aren’t ready to get married? 

Post # 6
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

I have to say – there is absolutely no reason to rush at your age. Especially since you do not want children.

The fact that your best friends are getting engaged and married and that work colleagues are asking you when you will get engaged is not a good reason to get engaged. It is not any kind of reason to get engaged. You have to discipline yourself to see your own relationship as separate from other people’s relationships and other people’s expectations.

At one and a half years into the relationship you are only just seeing who the other person really is – their flaws, their habits, their likes and dislikes, etc. When you live together, you will discover even more that you did not know before.

It sounds as if you just want a proposal and to get married for the sake of it and not because there’s a pressing reason to do so – and trust me, you do not want to rush into a marriage just because it seemed like a good idea. It is worth taking a bit more time to be sure. Talking about weddings and future goals is one thing, pressuring is quite another, and in this scenario, I think you might genuinely be at risk of pressuring.

Try to give it another 6 months, and then see where you are at.

Post # 7
Member
2284 posts
Buzzing bee

On the one hand, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to get engaged after 1.5 years. My husband and I got engaged after 1 year when we were close to your ages. That said, we also had already moved in together and both agreed we wanted to get married around the 2 year mark. We were ready to start planning our wedding soon after we got engaged, and we were both fully on board with marrying each other. I agree with PPs that it’s odd to be rushing toward engagement if you don’t even want to marry for a few years. Also, as someone who also had a ~50 person wedding — you definitely don’t need 3 years to plan it. I planned my wedding in under a year in a major metro area during a year when I was really busy studying for major exams in my grad program, and it honestly wasn’t that much work. 

I’m also side-eyeing this explanation of why you want to get married in 3 years: “I’ll be 29 and he’ll be 34 and I know i’ll be ready to marry at about that age.” That doesn’t make ANY sense. Age is not an indicator of readiness, so I don’t see how you know you’ll be ready to marry by the time you’re 29 and 34. Especially since he’s already in his 30s and is clearly not ready yet. I also don’t agree with you that engagement would mean a “gauranteed commitment that it will happen.” Plenty of people get engaged and still break up, so I don’t think you should get engaged for a guarantee. It honestly does make it sound like you just want to be married before you’re 30, but I’m not sure why — especially given that you don’t want kids, so your biological clock shouldn’t be a factor. 

The biggest red flag to me is that your boyfriend seems unwilling to even discuss timelines at all. You’ve been together for a year and a half, and he’s in his 30s. He doesn’t have to be ready right now, but he should be willing to discuss his feelings with you honestly and be willing to make plans about your joint future together. Where does he see you both in 3 years? In 5 years? When does he see settling down? “When the time is right” wouldn’t cut it with me. Neither would excuses about his anxiety. Plenty of people have anxiety and get married. You have a right to know where things are going and at roughly what pace, and I’d be wary of a guy who is vaguely promising marriage but shutting down any concrete conversations about it. 

 

Post # 8
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I would strongly suggest living together before deciding to get engaged. Lots of things can come up once you live together that will let you know if you are really compatible for the long-term. 

It does sound a bit like you are just wanting to be engaged and married for the sake of it, even though your boyfriend has said he is not ready and he wants to live together first. You also mentioned that this is his first long-term relationship, so I think it is understandable that he may take a bit longer to be ready for that level of committment. Can I ask why there is a big rush if you do not want to have children?

Post # 9
Member
2277 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

flyfromtheinside :  My husband and I got engaged around the 1.5 year mark, then got married 4 months later. We had a small ceremony followed by a party with about 70 people. You don’t need three years to plan a wedding, especially for the size you’re talking about.

I don’t think anyone should get engaged when they know they’re not ready to get married, you guys should wait till you’re both ready, then get engaged, and plan a wedding together. Don’t get engaged, wait to be ready to get married, then plan a wedding.

I understand your boyfriend not wanting to be pressured into proposing, but talking about your future is not the same as pressuring him for a strict timeline and he should be open to having a conversation about your future and where it’s headed.

If he wants to move in together before getting engaged, and you’re on board with that, are you guys taking steps to move in? From what you’ve written here it’s hard to say if he’s as serious as you think he is.

Post # 10
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

OP, I m so sorry to say this, but a year and a half is not a long time. It takes mch longer to get to know someone. It is a little silly to me when you say you knew he was the one on the second date. It sounds absurd to me. Sure, you may like him a lot, but wanting to mrry someone/knowing that theyre the one on a second date sounds a little obsessive, this is just my opinion, you don’t have to agree.

Like PP mentioned above, what is the rush if you dont even want to have children, anyway? Just enjoy oyur life with him and get to know each other, THEN get married when you’re both ready.

Post # 11
Member
2277 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

hachi :   blushingbee2019 :  Why does she have to want children to get married? I’m not saying she’s not rushing things a bit, but I have no idea what not having kids has to do with anything?

Not everyone gets married to have children.

Post # 12
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t think that marriage should be a “ultimate life goal,” as it is it not an accomplishment. I would focus on setting some goals and ambitions related to your growth as an individual. In the meantime, nurture your relationship and see how things go – it’s only been 1.5 years.

Post # 13
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think wanting to discuss timelines at this stage is perfectly valid. I think you and your boyfriend should sit down and discuss what feels right for both of you. Describe how you want a long engagement and how you want to have a rough idea of when marriage could happen. Him refusing to give you even a rough timeline isn’t fair or grown up. It doesn’t ruin the proposal or make it seem less special or genuine. 

Post # 14
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

futuremrs2020 :  No, no. I definitely don’t think that having children is the only reason to get married, and absolutely people who are CFBC are just as deserving as marriage if that’s what they want. What I meant is why is it a rush if the boyfriend clearly isn’t ready (and has said so).

Post # 15
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think it’s great that you’re so in touch with what you want, but you may want to practice letting go of expectations a bit. A 3 year engagement, 50 person wedding, and amethyst stone is awfully specific. Is there room in this plan for change to accomodate what he wants/doesn’t want? It almost sounds like you want a promise of something you can depend on and plan towards (kind of like locking down this prospect, but without the negative connotations since you two sounds like lovely) and want a guarantee that this time won’t go to waste. The unfortunate thing is that your prospective timeline and all your wants just can’t be guaranteed. Engagements can be broken. Things can change. Work on trusting this guy and trusting your relationship. It sounds like he is very concerned with making you feel good and that he cares a lot. It’s scary to have something that great because the thought of losing it is scary, but…that’s kind of what life is like. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors