Post # 1
I’m saddened that my first post to weddingbee has to be a sad one but I genuinely need some advice. My fiance and I have recently begun to spread news of our engagement to first our families and then our closest friends. My family is, by nature, large and welcoming and have recieved our engagement joyfully (regardless of any personal concerns). Our closest friends have as well. We work hard to have a relationship with his family but have not truly been successful. I don’t vibe well and, while that makes things strained, we do get along peacefully.
When we told his family at brunch they fell silent before only his sister-in-law (out of brother, father, step mother present) offered a quiet congratulations. His brother then changed the subject and everyone pretended we hadn’t spoken. Later that day his brother called out of genuine concern to say that he thought the wedding was a bad idea, I make my fiance a worse person, that my fiance doesn’t really love me and is marrying me for comfort AND if we get married that it will effectively end any relationship my fiance has with his family. Additionally, he is not now and will not provide his “blessing” to the wedding nor will his wife (the sister-in-law). However, I think these fears stem from ingnorance of our relationship but will be hard to sway as they are based in “facts and personal observations.”
I refuse to allow other people’s hate to steal my joy but I am at a loss as to handle this. Can anyone provide insight from my future family’s perspective to help me understand or suggestions how we should handle this?
Thanks in advance!
Post # 3
First, welcome to the bee! I see so many bees (myself included) that finally take the plunge and join to ask a question that has been weighing heavily on them. I am sorry that the reason for your first post isn’t happy, but hopefully they will soon be bragging about a dress and showing off a ring 😉 In the meantime….
I would love to help you get into their heads, but I have no idea if they are just crazy, if they have seen changes (my future Step Mother-In-Law hated me because my Fiance no longer hangs out with her as often– from 3-4 times a week to dinners once a week by his own choice, and that made me someone “who needs attention on her all the time”.), if they are racist, don’t like your religion, against the fact you have a child, etc. Sorry! Need more details!
Have you talked to Fiance about this? What does he think? Were they always this distant with you, or were you previously close? Is it the marriage that has become a bad idea, or were there other instances where they didn’t give approval? Think long and hard and you MIGHT be able to come up with something.
In the end, when it is all said and done, you may never know for sure what they are thinking. You might have to live out your days with in laws that don’t approve. Be sure you are ready and willing to deal with this, and I hope against hopes that your Fiance will support YOU in this battle. Good luck!
Post # 4
With out having more details all i can say is kill them with kindness. So sorhey they are stealing your joy…. And welcome to the bee!
Post # 5
I am sorry you are going through this! This is a joyous time for you and your Fiance. I can’t give much advice on how to make his family more accepting (I’ve been married to my Darling Husband for 6 years and I’m still waiting for his mom to warm up to me). I think you are just going to have to be cordial to them and they will have to deal with their issues on their own. Unfortunately, you can’t make them happy for you but don’t let them ruin your engagement.
Post # 6
Thank you everyone for your responses!
I am happy to say that my Fiance is 150% with me on this. For those who requested more information, yes they have always been this distant. When my fiance has asked what about me they dislike he recieves the “answer of the day” (I talked too much at dinner, I didn’t talk enough at dinner, etc.). Eventually we gave up asking. However, this is definitely the first time they have out right said that they don’t approve. Sadly, there are no concrete answers.
What I am most glad to hear is that despite negative family expereinces that other bees are having happy and successful weddings/marriages! I shared your responses with my Fiance and he felt the same relief. It also made us consider for the first time that it could be “them” rather than “us” who needs to sort through the issues.
Thank you again! At least the hardest thing we’ll face in this process is over and everything from here will feel so small in comparison (I hope!).
Post # 7
I went through a lot of this – it’s really, really difficult and while you ultimately control your emotions – it’s hard not to have it suck some of your joy. The thing is – you have to acknowledge his family is NOT what you want. They have their issues and are doing what they feel is right for them. All you can do is now alter your expectations and continue with your life.
It’s awesome that your Fiance is behind you. But, how does he feel about his family doing this? Is he ok with ending his ties to them? Has he known of their disapproval? Do you feel supported by him?
If your Fiance doesn’t need any of his family members approval to feel good about moving forward and understands what may or may not entail (meaning, them cutting him off), you are ahead of things, to be sure. If his family decided to not attend the wedding or took things further, it could certainly lead to disappointment on his part – not knowing how much you and Fiance have talked about it or where he’s at makes it hard to know what may lie in your future. But, I will say, often times, family has a hard time with change and often figures out how to deal with it. I hope your Fiance has support from other sources – so he won’t be left feeling alone. I’d also suggest some good pre-martial counseling – that was very helpful for us to understand extended family issues and how it relates to the foundation of our new family of two.
The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication going with your Fiance and to be on the same page with him. At the end of the day, it’s HIM that’s most important.
Post # 8
I’m in the same situation. SO just told his parents that he’s going to propose and they flipped out. I never did a single thing bad to them. In fact, my happy demeanor is what they hate so much. This is all new to me as I’ve never had family not like me before.
My advice is to be happy, be proud and be yourself in spite of what others think. It’s sad to know that the world has sucky people in it. I come from a loving, hippie-like family and this is all completely foreign. My parents have been divorced for nearly 30 years and they still like each other. I am buddies with all my exes and still talk to some of their family. It’s bizarre that I met the most amazing man in the world and our happiness is tainted by his PARENTS. I thanked God every day for bringing my SO to me. I thought our love was invincible. Sorry to get off on a tangent but I want you to know that I understand your pain. PM me if you ever want to vent! xo
Post # 9
Be nice, be kind, be honorable, always take the high road. It isn’t your job to make them like you, or to mael them happy. Just make a effort so that at the end of the day, you know you did what you could to improve the relationship. If they do not make an effort on their side, there isn’t much you can do about it. But at least you won’t have anything to regret.
And, congrats on your engagement 🙂